Tom Keane

We're All Journalists Now

Yes, the media aren't winning public favor these days. But when we limit their freedom, we undermine everyone's.

Anyone who had ever gone through law school - and I count myself among those poor souls - knew instantly that Superior Court Judge Merita Hopkins had gotten it wrong. WHDH-TV (Channel 7) had a scoop: Autopsy results of two Boston firefighters killed in the line of duty showed one was intoxicated, the other had cocaine in his body. Hopkins, the onetime chief of staff to Mayor Tom Menino, blocked the station from airing the story. The legal term for what she did is prior restraint. Ever since the Pentagon Papers case in 1971, it's been (with extreme cases of national security being the only possible exception) a big and obvious no-no.

Presumably Hopkins - who for 11 years was also the city's corporation counsel - knew that as well. But her decision, while legally wrong, may well reflect a new sense of just how far the government can push the press around. The First Amendment, sad to say, is in tough shape.

Hopkins's ham-handed stab at censorship was hardly isolated. Judith Miller of The New York Times spent 85 days in jail in 2005 for refusing to reveal sources in the Valerie Plame case. Blogger Josh Wolf last year got seven months in prison because he wouldn't turn over videotape he shot of a protest at the G8 Summit. Reporters for the San Francisco Chronicle almost went to jail for reporting on the steroid scandal. And in Arizona, a district attorney in October arrested two reporters for revealing grand jury information. I'm not cherry-picking here. The well-respected organization Reporters Without Borders now ranks the United States 48th out of 169 countries in terms of freedom of the press. It's embarrassing.

I know. Reporters are obnoxious and intrusive. Maybe, you're thinking, the media deserve a comeuppance. Indeed, after Hopkins made her decision, online comment boards made clear that many agreed with her. And that echoes national sentiments. According to polling by the Pew Research Center, for example, over the last 12 years, Americans have become more critical of the news media. Fewer think the media are moral (46 percent, down from 54 percent), more think they are inaccurate (53 percent, up from 34 percent) and where once a majority thought the press helped "protect democracy," now those who believe so is down to 44 percent.

That last finding is perhaps the most disturbing and reflects a fundamental misconception about the role of the press. Look at the original text of the First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press." There's a reason speech and the press are mentioned together. To the framers, our ability to say what we wanted (that is, speech) went hand-in-hand with our ability to communicate those words to others (using the press). Today, though, the two have become disconnected. Freedom of the press now seems like a special privilege that applies not to us but to distant, powerful, and impenetrable corporations.

Admittedly, the growth of big media - first, newspapers, later, radio and television - makes this thinking easy. Yet technology is changing that. Anyone with an Internet connection can now not only be a reporter, but a publisher as well (blogs and YouTube being obvious examples). Increasingly, media are becoming more democratized - and more like what the Founding Fathers envisioned.

This plays into the debate in Washington over a so-called shield law to protect journalists from revealing sources. Part of the debate involves this question: Who is a journalist? Someone for whom reporting is a full-time profession? Someone working for an established media organization? Or anyone?

I think it should be anyone. If you report, investigate, or opine - even part time - then you're doing journalism. That's not to say that every blogger's work is necessarily as good as that of traditional news organizations. There are huge advantages to having training, editors, a code of ethics, and the resources to be able to dig deeply into a topic. But the First Amendment was never designed to protect only professionals. It was designed to defend everyone's ability to communicate. And that's what so worries me about the Merita Hopkinses of the world. When they take on the First Amendment, they're not just striking a blow at some well-coifed talking head on a TV newscast. They're going after all of us.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, December 2, 2007.

Nothing to write home about

The Fortnight That Wasn't

HOLLYWOOD WRITERS went on strike, shutting down or sharply curtailing production of many popular television shows and movies. The action-adventure show "24" was cut to "6," "Heroes" was temporarily reduced to "Hero," and late-night talk shows had to be conducted largely in pantomime. more stories like this As the work stoppage spread into its second week, fallout from the strike intensified. "We rely on these writers to provide the clever banter and repartee one then hears repeated the next day around the water cooler," said one analyst in comments that appeared to have been scripted by a scab. Office workers told tales of having to endure stale conversations about the weather and the antics of co-workers' children. "It's terrible, I know," said one woman after recounting an incident involving her 3-year-old and a mashed banana, "but without the writers feeding me material, I really have nothing else to say."

In Pakistan, dictator General Pervez Musharraf declared a state of emergency, placed opposition leader Benazir Bhutto under house arrest, and announced that he was ready to hold elections. Musharraf said that final returns from the elections would show him with 90 percent of the vote, but that out of respect for the "democratic process" he would not formally release the results until after the elections were held in January.

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France made his first visit to the White House and was warmly greeted by President Bush as the two leaders announced the two nations were once again fast friends. Caught up in the excitement, congressional leaders renamed freedom fries back to french fries, the National Park Service announced Boston's Freedom Trail would now be called the French Trail, and executors of Janis Joplin's estate released a redubbed version of her most famous lyric, "French is just another word for nothing left to lose."

In Washington, an emboldened Congress overrode Bush's veto of a $23 billion water bill that the White House said was stuffed with unnecessary projects. Democrats said the override - the first ever in Bush's seven-year-tenure - proved their mettle. "When it comes to matters of pork," said Senate majority leader Harry Reid, "we're not going to let this president push us around."

In campaign news, Republican Mitt Romney said he had decided against giving a Kennedy-esque speech explaining that he wouldn't allow faith to interfere with his secular responsibilities as president. "It turns out that it just wouldn't be true," he explained. "I and every other GOP candidate will do everything we can to kowtow to the religious right - and that's certainly not going to stop if one of us is elected president."

Retailers began advertising for Christmas immediately after Halloween in what may be the earliest start ever to the holiday shopping season. "This isn't about us," said a spokesperson for the National Retail Federation. "This is about giving Christians more time to contemplate the birth of their savior than they would get if we only allowed them the traditional four weeks."

After drought conditions reached critical levels, Governor Sonny Purdue of Georgia designated Nov. 13 a statewide day of prayer for rain. Purdue said he was sure God would deliver and was surprised the technique had never been used before. "We next plan to ask him to solve the state's budget shortfall," he said. "In fact, I'm real surprised the folks in Louisiana didn't ask him to stop that hurricane and I can't figure out why the president just didn't ask him to put WMDs in Iraq. After all, he's God - there's really nothing he can't do."

In local news, the business community cheered plans by the Red Sox to raise ticket prices for the 2008 season by 9 percent. "No matter what the price, it's difficult for our members to obtain tickets," said an official with the Greater Boston Chamber of Commerce. "Our hope is that this newest increase will shake some loose from all of those families with kids that are taking up the seats we need."

And finally, the ousted head of the Boston Public Library, Bernard Margolis, slammed Mayor Thomas Menino as "anti-intellectual." Menino said that wasn't true but that it would have been nice if Margolis had let the library buy more books with pictures.

Published on November 18, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Bad Bet

The governor's estimates on casino revenue fail to account for one big issue: other states have cards they've yet to play.

"Together we can" has somehow morphed into "place your bets here," as casino gambling now threatens to become Governor Deval Patrick's signature issue. One can understand why: The lure of hundreds of millions of new state dollars would make any free-spending pol salivate. Yet the whole thing is an illusion, a combination of wishful thinking and bad economics.

I don't say this because of some moral compunction. I once played bingo in a church hall and since I don't want to be thought a hypocrite, I've fallen down that slippery slope of believing that if people want to play slots or spin a roulette wheel, then they should be allowed to. And frankly, unless you've never bet in a sports pool, bought a lottery ticket, or taken a bus ride to Foxwoods, you're in the same position as me. As the old joke goes, we know what kind of people we are. Now we're just haggling over price.

And the price certainly seems right. The governor estimates three new casinos will bring in between $1.5 billion and $2 billion a year. In turn, the state hopes to collect as much as $900 million in upfront fees and possibly another $450 million annually - perhaps $5.4 billion over 10 years. Think of it as a sales tax, a stunningly high one that skims off one-third of the casinos' revenues. It sounds great, but there's a fatal flaw: Massachusetts thinks its casinos will have a monopoly. In fact, it will be just one of many competitors.

Start with this observation: Our capacity to gamble is not unlimited. In fact, it appears we already may be close to it. That explains why lottery sales are stagnant and why, despite heavy advertising, gaming revenues at the five existing New England casinos grew less than 2 percent (after inflation) from 2005 to 2006. (Indeed, imagine the outcry if the governor said that his scheme depended on persuading people who never gamble to now pick up the habit!) So where will the $1.5 billion to $2 billion in casino revenues come from? Some will come from the lottery, as those playing Keno or MegaMillions switch allegiances to slot machines. That's not new money, of course. It's just spent in a different venue.

But, casino advocates argue, there is a source of new money: Massachusetts residents who now gamble out of state. UMass-Dartmouth professor Clyde Barrow estimates that Bay Staters in 2006 spent about $1.1 billion gambling in Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Maine. Once we build our own casinos, runs the thinking, we'll no longer "lose" that money to other states.

Really? Does anyone seriously believe that Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun will sit idly by while a vast chunk of their business disappears? As the Massachusetts Taxpayers Foundation pointed out recently, like any good competitor, they'll fight back. They'll drop room rates, improve entertainment, and spruce up the buffet tables. Most important, they - and the states they're in - will be compelled to offer gamblers better odds. Think about it. If I were the state of Connecticut, and I saw that gamblers from Massachusetts were no longer crossing my borders, here's what I would do: I'd cut the amount I was skimming so that more of it could end up in my patrons' pockets. You see where this goes. Massachusetts would eventually have to follow suit. Meanwhile, other states - upset at "their" residents going to Massachusetts to gamble - would also start to add new casinos. New Hampshire, in fact, is already talking about it.

It's called competition. It's good for consumers, driving prices down (or, in the case of gaming, winnings up). But it means that revenues won't be as high as the governor hopes and profits - that is, the amount the state can skim off - will be a lot less. My guess is that, over time, our casinos will start to look like most other businesses, generating some jobs and some economic growth, but nothing exceptional. That's been the experience in the rest of the country, as persuasively documented in a 2005 study by Phineas Baxandall and Bruce Sacerdote from Harvard's Kennedy School. Perhaps we'll look somewhat like Arizona, where casinos generate almost $2 billion in revenue while the state collects $92 million, or about 5 percent. That's not pocket change, to be sure. But this notion of gambling magically paying for property tax relief and rebuilding our infrastructure? No way. It's as real as the jackpot dreams that crowd casino floors.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, November 11, 2007.

Fired Up

The fortnight that wasn't

CATASTROPHIC WILDFIRES in Southern California threatened the homes of dozens of celebrities, forcing many to evacuate their mansions and take refuge in Holiday Inns and other chain hotels. Actors told tales of eating mediocre hotel food, sharing hot tubs with families and children, and being forced to endure rooms decorated with Thomas Kinkade prints. "When something like this happens, it really brings people together," said one Hollywood star. "You begin to realize that we're almost the same as everyone else."

Meanwhile, having learned its lessons from Hurricane Katrina, the Federal Emergency Management Agency moved rapidly to provide assistance to those affected by the fires, delivering 10,000 inflatable boats and more than a million sandbags to the drought-stricken desert area.

For its part, the Modern Language Association said it was linguistically pleased with the rapid proliferation of the fires. "We have a crisis in clichés in America," said a spokesperson. "For example, 'to eat like a bird' doesn't make sense because birds eat up to one-half of their body weight daily. 'The sky's the limit" isn't true since we've been to the moon. But as it turns out, wildfires, well, they really do spread like wildfire."

In world news, the United Nations voted unanimously to take immediate action on global warming after news reports that autumn leaves in Vermont was significantly less colorful than in previous years. "Things like extreme weather, the melting of the polar ice caps, and a rise in worldwide temperatures seem pretty much removed from our everyday lives," said a UN spokesperson. "But a crisis in foliage touches us all."

In Washington, an FDA advisory panel recommended banning cough and cold medications to children under 6 since the medications are almost completely ineffective. However, the panel said that, while the drugs are worthless, research appeared to support claims that parental kisses of boo-boos to make them "all better" still work wonders.

On the campaign trail, Republicans assailed Hillary Clinton for saying that, while she had many ideas, the nation couldn't afford to pay for them all. The GOP candidates promised that, unlike Clinton, they would make the nation pay for every idea they had. However, they added, since they anticipated they would have very few ideas, the country nevertheless would be able to afford them all.

As polls continued to show Clinton with a strong lead, rival Democratic candidates started to attack her personally, accusing her of "double talk" and challenging her ethics, honesty, and sincerity. The men pledged their harsh critiques would continue unabated until Clinton won the nomination, at which point they would take it all back and say that she clearly was a paragon of virtue and the best person possible to lead the nation for the next four years.

In local news, Boston held a massive political rally Tuesday, a week in advance of elections for City Council. A parade of candidates made their way from Kenmore Square to City Hall, carried atop duck boats and passing through hundreds of thousands of cheering spectators. "This is the most exciting thing I've ever seen," said one onlooker as she reached across a barricade trying to touch the candidates' outstretched hands. Secretary of State William Galvin said he estimated voter turnout would be at record levels because of the extraordinary importance the upcoming election had for the future of the city.

Motorists from the South Shore said they were amazed by almost nonexistent traffic during rush hours after Wednesday's opening of the Greenbush commuter rail line. "It's like I'm on an empty country road," marveled one commuter driving south on Interstate 93 at 5:00 pm. "I now feel so embarrassed to have ever doubted the wisdom of spending a half-billion dollars just so a few hundred people a day could ride the train into the city from their beachfront homes in Cohasset and Hingham."

And finally, after the New England Patriots beat the Washington Redskins by a lopsided score of 52-7, the National Football League asked coach Bill Belichick to resume illegally filming opposing teams' defensive calls. "Our hope is that once the Patriots begin cheating again, perhaps they'll lose a game," said a league official, "or at least cut down on their victory margins."

Published on November 4, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Irate Mothers

The fortnight that wasn't

AFTER A new national poll showed Mitt Romney stuck in fourth place, the former Massachusetts governor vowed to shake up his campaign by taking new positions on hot-button issues on which he had previously taken new positions. "Abortion, gay rights, immigration - you name it. I'm ready to be firm, resolute, and unwavering on whatever you want," Romney told audiences.

Meanwhile, the same poll showed over 50 percent of Democrats now support Hillary Clinton for president, attracted to the former first lady largely because of her warmth, compassion, and sense of humor.

President Bush met in the Oval Office with the Dalai Lama for a private conversation about peace, love, and understanding. Bush said he had enjoyed the respite from his daily affairs as he turned his attention afterward to sustaining his veto of a children's healthcare program and circumventing congressional restrictions on torture.

Archaeologists discovered an 11,000-year-old wall painting in an underground cave dwelling in northern Syria. The scientists said only a portion of the drawing had been preserved as it appeared that much of it had been erased by an irate mother upset at her child for defacing the family's home.

French citizens were upset after President Nicolas Sarkozy said he was divorcing his wife, Cecilia. "This has never happened before," said one observer. "Our leaders are supposed to take lovers, not split up." Commentators said Sarkozy's refusal to honor the French tradition of maîtresse en titre showed he really was far too beholden to Americans.

The Nobel committee was sharply attacked for politicizing the Peace Prize after awarding it to former vice president Al Gore. Critics acknowledged that some former recipients, such as Poland's Lech Walesa, Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres, and former secretary of state Henry Kissinger were also political, but said they were different because they were politics with which they agreed.

TJX Cos. settled a class action lawsuit filed after hackers accessed personal information for up to 45 million customers. The company said it would issue all those affected $30 vouchers good for merchandise at its stores. To get the vouchers, TJX said shoppers merely had to provide their Social Security number, bank account numbers, home and cellphone numbers, and two credit cards.

A consumer watchdog group said there is lead in many popular lipsticks and warned that the contaminant could affect the brains of those kissed by women wearing the products, potentially making them incapable of rational thought. The lipstick manufacturers defended their products. "Of course they have that effect," said a spokesman. "That's why women use them."

A jury awarded $6.1 million to a woman who said she was forced to strip and have sex in a McDonald's back room after someone called the restaurant posing as a police officer. McDonald's said it would expand the warning currently printed on its coffee cups to discourage others from attempting the same ruse: "Caution: Coffee is hot. Employees are not."

Boston's Tobin Bridge was closed to commercial traffic after inspectors discovered cracks in a support beam. Emergency crews were immediately dispatched and filled in the cracks with green putty laced with red specks that blended in perfectly with the rusty steel. "The cracks are now completely invisible," said a spokesman. "Problem solved!"

Over 25 percent of Massachusetts students failed the new MCAS science exams. Students said the test was unfair because the available answer choices did not include spells, divination, transfiguration or potions.

In sports, George Steinbrenner fired himself as owner of the Yankees after the team failed to make it past the divisional series for the third year in a row. "I've had a great 34 years," said Steinbrenner, "but the real question is, 'What have I done for me lately?' And the answer is, not much." Steinbrenner said that the suddenness of his termination had surprised him and he still was unsure of his future plans. "I'm not worried, however," he said. "There's a good chance that later in the winter I'll change my mind and hire myself back."

And finally, the 2007-2008 NHL hockey season got underway with a 4-1 loss by the Boston Bruins to the Dallas Stars. Both viewers of the NESN telecast said they thought it was a good game.

Published on October 21, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Not So Fast

After public tragedies, snap judgments rule the day. Will we ever learn?

A bridge collapses in Minneapolis, and we all know why: We've been skimping on maintenance of our infrastructure, and our tightfistedness has cost 13 lives. A stripper claims lacrosse players from Duke University gang-raped her, and we see it as proof that virulent racism is alive and well. A restaurant fire in West Roxbury kills two firefighters, and the cause is clear: The city has fallen down on its inspections, leaving deadly firetraps waiting to explode.

Each one of these incidents follows the same pattern. A dramatic event occurs, and we rush to judgment. The problem is that those judgments were not based on facts.

In Minneapolis, preliminary investigation by the National Transportation Safety Board now raises doubt on whether maintenance was actually at fault. Rather, a design flaw from 40 years ago may have hampered the bridge's ability to carry the weight it was supposed to hold. The Durham rape accusation, of course, turned out to be a false claim, made first by the alleged victim and later by a prosecutor run amok. And August's fire at the Tai Ho restaurant came two days after a prominent story in this newspaper about cutbacks in city restaurant inspections. While the problems in that report involved food safety, that seemed almost irrelevant to some politicians and commentators, who immediately focused on fire inspections, blaming the tragic deaths on underfunding in that area and reliance on private firms.

However, recent reports present the possibility that inspections wouldn't have mattered. I tread carefully here, because, as of this writing, a formal investigation is ongoing. But questions about the firefighters' competence have been raised. Regardless of that, others theorize the double-ceiling design of the kitchen itself would have made it difficult for an ordinary inspection to have caught the problem.

"Facts are stupid things," Ronald Reagan once misspoke, and while he was mercilessly ridiculed for that (he meant "stubborn"), it does sometimes seem that we conduct much of our public discourse the same way. There are some issues - matters of liberty, the distribution of wealth, or the role of the welfare state - where values drive the debate. But on a host of other topics - why a bridge falls, whether someone is guilty, or the reasons for a fire - facts should be paramount. Too frequently, they are not. None of this is to suggest that we shouldn't maintain our bridges or that we shouldn't fight racism or that stepped-up fire inspections are a bad idea. But it is to suggest that these measures probably wouldn't have stopped these particular tragedies. Perhaps as important, it also suggests that focusing on dramatic public events prevents us from coming up with the right solutions.

Critics say that in Massachusetts, we've shorted maintenance of our infrastructure by tens of billion of dollars. That may be, but, in fact, almost all major bridge calamities have nothing to do with maintenance and everything to do with design or construction flaws or natural disasters. More attention to bridge-building standards might save more lives. Similarly, according to the FBI, the number of violent racist incidents is decreasing. If battling discrimination is the goal, more attention to the subtleties of, say, day-to-day working conditions might yield better results.

And in Boston, a more intrusive and expensive inspection system may not make much of a difference. In 2005, just 14 fires (of 28,793) were related to restaurant hoods and ducting, according to the state's Department of Fire Services. If one were to conclude that more money should be spent on fire protection, other measures (residential sprinklers or better training for firefighters) might be more worthwhile.

Still, this is analysis in the cold light of day. In the passion of the moment, it's hard not to point fingers, to use one instance to press a favored cause or to find partisan advantage. How can one deny human nature?

The answer, I suppose, is to learn from history and, when the next tragedy occurs, take a deep breath, study the facts, and figure out what happened. It's possible to do. Even as local pols were jumping to assign blame for the restaurant fire, Mayor Tom Menino held back - refusing, for example, to take the bait of blaming state budget cuts. It's less viscerally satisfying, perhaps. But it's the right thing to do.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, October 21, 2007.

Silenced Mime

The Fortnight That Wasn't

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY president Lee Bollinger upset many when he caustically introduced guest speaker and white supremacist August Kreis III at a school forum. Audience members said Bollinger's comments - calling Kreis "petty and cruel" and "astonishingly uneducated" - were impolite. "After all, he is a head of state - in this case, the Aryan Nations," said one student, "and he should be accorded the same degree of respect we'd give, for example, to the president of Iran."

Meanwhile, members of the religious right began planning a fact-finding trip to Iran after learning from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the country has no gays. "For the most part, we rely upon the power of Jesus to convert our gays here in the United States," said a spokesperson for Love in Action, which runs homosexuality reeducation programs. "In Iran, we're told, they rely on beheading. Imagine how powerful it would be to combine the two!"

In a related story, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said in an interview with The Advocate that she is not a lesbian, but refused to say whether she had ever visited Iran.

In other campaign news, Clinton announced that she had raised $22 million for the primary races in the third quarter, $3 million more than Senator Barack Obama. Obama said that the shortfall proved that, unlike him, Clinton was beholden to the rich and powerful. Obama added, however, that he was ahead of Clinton in fund-raising for the entire year - $75 million to her $62 million - which proved he was far more popular with ordinary folks than the former first lady.

White House officials said that while they sympathize with the pro-democracy protesters who have been getting arrested and killed in Burma, there is little they can do. "Invasion is out of the question," said a spokesperson. "International law prohibits us from interfering with another nation's sovereignty unless, of course, that nation has threatened to assassinate the father of the president." Foreign policy specialists confirmed that Burma's military dictators had, in fact, confined their death threats to the country's indigenous population.

In business, the US dollar fell to new lows and for the first time ever was worth less than the loonie, Canada's term for its dollar. Canadians said they were thrilled with the news but embarrassed that the entire world now knew they had such a dumb name for their currency.

The Gap confirmed that a vendor had lost a laptop containing confidential information for about 800,000 job applicants. In what may be a related development, the unemployment rate dropped sharply when about 800,000 of the once-unemployed told the Department of Labor they no longer needed work after having been contacted by widows of former Nigerian heads of state who needed assistance in moving large sums of money.

New home sales fell nationwide to a record low. White House officials said the drop proved that it had solved the problem of homelessness. "Thanks to this administration's policies, no one who needs a home is without one," explained a spokesperson. "That's why people are no longer buying new homes."

In local news, the president of MIT warned that, while the university encouraged the tradition of so-called "hacks," students had to be careful not to commit any crimes while carrying out the elaborate practical jokes. "Our students are just as subject to the laws of the land as everyone else," said an MIT representative. "And that really won't change until after their first successful IPO."

A new poll showed that, although a majority of Bay State residents supported casino gambling, none wanted the casinos located near where they live. The governor's office said that shouldn't be a problem and submitted legislation to annex New Hampshire.

Red Sox Nation looked longingly toward Brooklyn as the Sox readily clinched the American League's East Division title while the Mets collapsed during September and failed to make the playoffs. "It brings back fond memories," said one wistful fan. "I envy those Met fans: anxiety, despair, and depression. That's what we once wallowed in and now it's ours no more."

And finally, in sad news, famed mime Marcel Marceau died at age 84. He had no last words.

Published on October 7, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Message from Myanmar

Myanmar was nation of Burma.
Now it’s Myanmar, not nation of Burma.
Been a long time gone, nation of Burma.
Why did nation of Burma get the works?
We’re the junta and we’re nasty old jerks.

Osama's new look

The Fortnight That Wasn't

JUST FOR MEN named Osama bin Laden the new spokesman for its line of hair-coloring products after a newly released video showed the Al Qaeda leader sporting a jet-black beard. "Just a year ago, people were saying Osama was old, tired, and ineffectual," said a company official. "With the gray gone, he now looks youthful, energetic, and ready to take on the Western world once again." The company said that bin Laden's lengthy career as a terrorist had no bearing on its decision. "I'm sure we all can find things about which we disagree," said the official, "But there's no disagreement when it comes to looking your best."

Meanwhile, at White House ceremonies marking the sixth anniversary of Sept. 11, President Bush proposed observing the anniversary of the attacks every three months. Bush noted that the remembrances helped Americans focus on the worldwide threat they face from global terrorism, and said more frequent commemorations would prevent the country from being distracted by irrelevant issues such as the ongoing civil war in Iraq or increasing domestic surveillance. The president added that the quarterly annual remembrances would continue indefinitely or at least until January 2009.

Congress battled over which pun best described General David Petraeus. "He's really General Hooray Us, because he represents the best about America," argued one Republican. "Or maybe General Allay Us because his wisdom should bring us together." Democrats sharply disagreed, offering up General Delay Us, General Dismay Us, or even General Passé Us. The legislators did agree that once they had settled upon the appropriate pun, they would proceed immediately to reading the general's report about the current situation in Iraq.

The owners of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun casinos urged Massachusetts legislators to reject Governor Deval Patrick's bid to build three casinos in the Bay State. "Casinos have caused enormous problems here in Connecticut," the owners said. "Hordes of gamblers show up at all hours, spend enormous amounts of money, and leave state coffers so bulging that the government doesn't know how to spend it." The owners identified numerous other negatives from gambling, including senor citizens gaining weight from the vast free buffets, constant tourist traffic overcrowding local retail stores, and catchy television advertising jingles annoying viewers because they can't get them out of their heads.

Residents of Weston, Sudbury, Duxbury, and Dover said, however, that they were thrilled to learn that the revenues from the proposed casino gambling would be earmarked to reduce their property taxes. "For too long, the liberals in Massachusetts have taken from the rich to give to the poor," said one resident. "Finally we have a governor who's going to help us turn the tables."

After he and his team were penalized $750,000 for cheating, Patriots coach Bill Belichick apologized for getting caught and promised he wouldn't be caught again. Owner Robert Kraft said he too was upset by the scandal. "We know this is something that deeply hurts our loyal fans," he said. "After all, they're the ones who next year will have to pay more for their tickets so we can cover the costs of the fine."

Meanwhile, the cheating scandal seemed to widen after rumors circulated that undercover Yankees players had secretly infiltrated the Boston Red Sox. Both teams formally denied the reports, but after meeting with Commissioner Bud Selig, the Yankees promised to reimburse the Red Sox for half of outfielder J.D. Drew's salary and agreed not to count any runs scored in innings where Eric Gagne pitched.

In other baseball news, controversy ensued when television cameras caught Red Sox manager Terry Francona spitting onto the ground while sitting in the dugout. In a post-game news conference devoted to the incident, Francona called it a onetime event and apologized. "I am personally embarrassed by my behavior that night and ask everyone out there - especially the kids who so much look up to our players and staff - to understand it was a thoughtless, isolated matter for which I ask your forgiveness," a tearful Francona said.

And finally, OJ Simpson denied he was guilty of armed theft and kidnapping in Las Vegas. Simpson vowed that, once freed, he would devote the rest of his life to hunting down the real robbers.

Published on September 24, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Remembering Katrina

The Fortnight That Wasn't

IN THE WAKE of revelations that Idaho Senator Larry Craig had been arrested in a public restroom, political analysts predicted the public furor might force Congress to ban the use of the facilities by elected officials. "Sure, these bathrooms - free and close by - have their allure. But just as with taking a complimentary meal from a lobbyist, use of one inevitably creates the appearance of impropriety," said one commentator.

In a related development, all eight of the GOP candidates at a presidential debate held Wednesday in New Hampshire took "The Pledge," vowing never to relieve themselves in public restrooms and challenging Democrats to hold themselves to the same high standard.

In other national news, Americans celebrated the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina with anguished breast-beating, finger-pointing, and loud laments about the nation's failure to restore New Orleans. "It was a terrific chance to spend the day wallowing in guilt," said one participant. "I'm hoping we'll have the opportunity to do this every year from now on."

In Washington, Alberto Gonzales submitted his resignation effective Sept. 17. During his six-year tenure, the White House counsel and US attorney general was instrumental in politicizing justice, expanding the use of torture, and increasing domestic spying. "Chaos, panic, fear," Gonzales told his staff. "My work here is done."

In a touching display of camaraderie, businesspeople joined with labor to celebrate Labor Day. "Many of us once feared unions and what they represented," said one CEO in an address to a Teamsters local. "But with your membership down from one-third of all workers to just 12.5 percent, we've learned there's nothing to be afraid of. All I can say to you union leaders is, keep on doing what you've been doing. We're behind you all the way."

Boeing unveiled the first aircraft to be powered by solar energy. "Our customers have been demanding a way to get to their destinations rapidly while not contributing to global warming," said a company spokesperson. "We think we've found the solution - as long as they're willing to land before dusk and know that any passing clouds will mean their instant doom."

In local news, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick returned from a 3 1/2-week vacation at his country estate in the Berkshires and requested two additional weeks to make a decision on casino gambling, saying he hadn't finished going through all of the materials provided him on the issue. "We're sure every student out there will understand," said a spokesperson. "It's tough to get around to your summer reading when there's a swimming pool right outside your door."

Framingham State undergraduates protested the college's plans to adjust its schedule to include more classes and tests on Fridays in order to curb heavy partying on Thursday nights. Students said they were outraged at the school's effort to shrink their weekends to two days. "If all I had wanted was an education," explained one student, "I wouldn't be going here."

Stung by public anger over a $1.2 million bonus to chief executive Josiah Spaulding amid deep cuts to popular programs and allegations of ethical improprieties, Citi Performing Arts Center a hired crisis management firm to mount a public relations effort defending its actions. "We faced a choice: Either reform ourselves internally, or try to bluster our way through this mess," said a board member. "Having watched the success achieved by organizations as diverse as the pharmaceutical industry and the Christian right, we decided to try the latter."

And finally, a report in the Archives of General Psychiatry claimed the diagnosis of bipolar disease, sometimes called manic-depression, had climbed 40-fold since 1994. "We were on top of the world when we made this discovery," said the study's researchers. "But then as we thought about it we got very, very gloomy because we didn't really understand why the increase had occurred." However, after a few days of angst, the scientists said they got extremely excited when they remembered their work would soon be published in the prestigious journal.

Published on September 9, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.