Tom Keane

So who, exactly, voted for Putin?

The Fortnight That Wasn't

TIME MAGAZINE named Vladimir Putin its "Person of the Year." Time Inc. officials said they were surprised at the choice, since the Russian president hadn't been nominated for the honor and no company staffers would admit to having voted for the man. "But an election is an election," said a Time Inc. spokesperson. "The guys we hired from Little Odessa to count the vote said there was no doubt - Putin got 98 percent."

With the Iowa caucuses just four days away and the New Hampshire primary a week from Tuesday, Americans braced for the possibility that the nominating contests of both major political parties could be over by the second week of January. "For months, we've been inundated with baseless allegations about Edwards's affairs, Obama's drug taking, Mitt's religion, Hillary's sexuality, and Rudy's mistresses. It's been great entertainment," said one New Hampshire voter. "Now, sadly, all of it may be going away." Voters said the only bright spot was that at least the Spears family was back in the news.

Skepticism greeted Mitt Romney's claim that he had seen his father, George Romney, march with Martin Luther King Jr., and in a clarification Romney said it was possible he was actually remembering an incident when the late Michigan governor took the family maid through the house pointing out various rooms that needed dusting. "The point is," a Romney spokesperson said, "Mitt did see his father with an African-American and they were walking together."

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton continued to emphasize her experience, pointing out that while at the White House she had been deeply involved in decisions relating to furnishings and interior decorations. "I left everything just as I wanted it," the former First Lady said. "As president, you won't see me distracted trying to redesign rooms or worrying about what colors to paint the walls. I'll be ready to go to work."

And in a touching display of bipartisanship, the presidential candidates united to condemn the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and offered their help. John Edwards volunteered to lead malpractice suits against Bhutto's doctors, Barack Obama promised an inspirational message, Rudy Giuliani vowed to travel to the scene of her murder and glower at people, and Fred Thompson said he would spend the evening learning where Pakistan is on a map.

After a disappointing Christmas shopping season, the nation's retailers cheered recent scholarship that suggested Jesus was actually born in March, and urged Americans to celebrate a newly created "Springtime Christmas." "In deference to those who would like to maintain the traditional date of Dec. 25, we think we should all celebrate two Christmases a year," said a spokesperson for the retailers, adding that research is underway to determine if Jesus might have been born in the summer and fall as well.

Here in Massachusetts, Governor Deval Patrick signaled he was willing to consider cutting the state's corporate income tax rate in an effort to boost economic growth. Unlike similar proposals from previous Republican governors, Patrick's plan was not corporate welfare, administration officials said, because it was being proposed by a Democrat.

Massachusetts Lottery officials unveiled plans to make lottery tickets available at major retail chains such as Home Depot, CVS, and Dunkin' Donuts. Officials predicted that the new locations would dramatically increase lottery revenues, but added they also planned to boost funding for addiction counseling. "We think this strikes the right balance between encouraging people to gamble while not appearing to harm the most vulnerable," the officials said, adding that since anti-gambling programs were largely ineffective anyway, they doubted they would be cutting into their customer base.

Longtime Boston pol Albert "Dapper" O'Neill died at age 87, ending one of Boston's last links to the era of James Michael Curley. Bostonians fondly remembered "The Dap's" legendary intolerance for immigrants, feminists, and gays. "You don't find many more around here like him," said one local politician. "Instead, they're all running for the Republican nomination for president."

And finally, as 2007 wound to a close, Americans resolved for 2008 to elect a government that is decent, compassionate, principled, and respected around the world. Experts said that, like most New Year's resolutions, they expected this one to be forgotten by February.

Published on December 30, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Securing the peace

The Fortnight That Wasn't

A NUMBER of Americans sort-of-remembered "a date which will live in infamy" about an attack that happened on December something-or-other 60 or 70 years ago when some country attacked a US harbor way out west in California or maybe even in Hawaii.

The Bush administration said that after unrelenting and escalating pressure by the United States in 2006 and 2007, Iran finally stopped its nuclear development program in 2003. "This marks a major victory in the president's efforts to secure peace," said a White House spokesperson, who added that the president's next major diplomatic initiative would be to mount a campaign to force East Germany to tear down the Berlin Wall in 1989.

Vladimir Putin offered to assist Hugo Chavez in future elections after the Venezuelan president narrowly lost a contest to revise his country's constitution. The Russian president, who recently won a lopsided vote in his favor, said he would send technical advisers to help Chavez better intimidate opposition parties and manage vote counting. "With our expertise in these matters, we'll make sure that next time around President Chavez turns this disappointing defeat into an overwhelming victory," Putin added.

The CIA announced a major technological breakthrough in evidence destruction. "Thirty years ago, the best we could manage was 18-minute gaps in tape recordings," officials testified in closed-door hearings before Congress. "Now, we've learned to wipe out videotapes altogether." Members of Congress said that while they felt compelled to appear upset at the news, their seeming rage would diminish once they were provided with access to the same know-how.

As the Iowa caucuses loomed, the presidential race began to heat up. With Oprah Winfrey stumping for Barack Obama, Curt Schilling campaigning for John McCain, and Madonna backing Hillary Clinton, other candidates began scrambling to secure their own celebrity support. Polls showed the endorsements mattered. "If these candidates aren't good enough for a celebrity, they certainly aren't good enough for me," said one typical voter. A major beneficiary of this attitude appears to be Fred Thompson, who, as a well-known actor, is in the unique position of being able to endorse himself. Thompson's staffers said they hoped such an endorsement would be forthcoming, but had not yet awakened the candidate to ask him.

In a major speech, Mitt Romney spoke to conservative Christian ministers, assuring them that his religion was no more outlandish than theirs. "You believe the Earth began less than 10,000 years ago; I believe an angel gave golden tablets to a 17-year-old," Romney explained. "You believe the Bible is literally true; I believe in baptism of the dead." The ministers said they were impressed by Romney's words, but still thought their beliefs less preposterous since they happened a long time ago.

Republicans said they were embarrassed by a YouTube/CNN debate that featured questions about the Bible, gays in the military, the North American Union, and the size of their gun collections. "Sure, this is what we talk about with our true believers," said one candidate, "but we certainly didn't want all of America to know."

Rounding out the campaign news, the major presidential candidates all agreed to suspend campaigning during Christmas week. "There comes a time when we all need to pay attention to the things that really matter," the candidates said. "So our message to Americans this season is, please, go to the mall. We'll be back with you on the 26th."

And finally, a group of climatologists released a pessimistic report on the newly observed phenomenon of solar dimming, confirming widespread observations that periods of sunlight appeared to be getting shorter by about two minutes every day. "Back in June, we had over 15 hours of sun. Now, just six months later, we're down to nine," the scientists said. "If these trends continue, by next September it'll be perpetually dark." The scientists could offer few solutions. "There's not much we can do but put a brave face on things. Light candles; sing hymns; gather together as families. The truth is, though, we're all doomed."

Published on December 16, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Giving thanks for sales

The Fortnight That Wasn't

MILLIONS OF Americans celebrated Thanksgiving by forgoing the traditional turkey meal with friends and family and lining up early outside of malls for Black Friday sales. A spokesperson for the nation's retailers said the industry was thrilled by the turnout. "Having already effectively ruined the spirit of Christmas, we're pleased at our success this year in our new campaign to undermine the meaning of Thanksgiving."

With the Iowa caucuses just over a month away, the Democratic presidential candidates hastily began focusing their attention on domestic economic issues after disturbing news emerged that the war in Iraq may be going well for the United States.

New polls showed that voters ranked Hillary Clinton lowest of all candidates in terms of "honesty." Clinton said there had to be some sort of mistake. "They're obviously confusing me with my husband," she told reporters.

Meanwhile, John Edwards unveiled a website, PlantsForHillary.com, which mocked Clinton's use of staged questions during campaign events. Edwards's strategists said they could have been spending their time improving the former senator's healthcare plan, but that it was a lot easier to taunt other candidates than deal with hard policy issues.

On the Republican side of the presidential race, Mitt Romney came under attack for appointing as a judge a woman who had 18 years of experience as a prosecutor while Rudy Giuliani was criticized for befriending Bernard Kerik even though he didn't know that Kerik was allegedly corrupt. Romney said that he would make sure any future judicial appointments had at least 19 years of prosecutorial experience while Giuliani vowed never to be friends with anyone again. Analysts were dubious about Romney's promise but felt certain Giuliani could keep his.

Hopes for a breakthrough in the Iraq war rose briefly after Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized for heart irregularities, but faded when he was released three hours later.

US education officials said they were unworried by a Boston College study showing reading skills for the nation's fourth graders falling even further behind those of children from other countries. "America is the land of opportunity," said a spokesperson. "And just because you're a bad reader doesn't mean you can't achieve whatever you want - heck, you can even become president."

The cruise ship Explorer struck an iceberg in the Antarctic and sank. Rescue workers said they had been able to save all 150 people on board, and discounted reports that one young man, supposedly an artist and drifter, died in the frigid waters while holding hands with a 17-year-old female passenger who had been traveling in first class.

As the writers' strike entered its fourth week, entertainment-starved television viewers turned their attention to the news, only to find reruns of the California wildfires and the O.J. Simpson trial.

Pop singer Neil Diamond revealed that his love song "Sweet Caroline" was inspired by picture he saw of 12-year-old Caroline Kennedy sitting on a horse. Massachusetts public safety officials said it was still OK for the Red Sox to play the song during home games but added they thought Diamond might need to register as a sex offender.

Boston police announced a program to search homes without warrants. City officials said protests by the ACLU to the plan were ridiculous since homes would only be searched if occupants gave their permission. "Of course, if they don't let us in, that's probably good enough for us to get a warrant," said a department spokesperson, who added that the program had been carefully crafted to target only poor, minority neighborhoods that would be too intimidated to object anyway.

Referenda questions to repeal the Bay State's income tax and decriminalize marijuana collected enough signatures to appear on the 2008 ballot. Although the tax question would slash state revenues - wiping out spending on schools, infrastructure, and human services - proponents said that shouldn't be a concern since by then everyone would be too high to notice.

And finally, the nation lampooned Massachusetts for a proposed law that would ban corporal punishment of children. "What's next?" asked one parent. "If I can't hit my kids, then I'll have to kick the dog. Are they going to ban that, too?"

Published on December 2, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

We're All Journalists Now

Yes, the media aren't winning public favor these days. But when we limit their freedom, we undermine everyone's.

Anyone who had ever gone through law school - and I count myself among those poor souls - knew instantly that Superior Court Judge Merita Hopkins had gotten it wrong. WHDH-TV (Channel 7) had a scoop: Autopsy results of two Boston firefighters killed in the line of duty showed one was intoxicated, the other had cocaine in his body. Hopkins, the onetime chief of staff to Mayor Tom Menino, blocked the station from airing the story. The legal term for what she did is prior restraint. Ever since the Pentagon Papers case in 1971, it's been (with extreme cases of national security being the only possible exception) a big and obvious no-no.

Presumably Hopkins - who for 11 years was also the city's corporation counsel - knew that as well. But her decision, while legally wrong, may well reflect a new sense of just how far the government can push the press around. The First Amendment, sad to say, is in tough shape.

Hopkins's ham-handed stab at censorship was hardly isolated. Judith Miller of The New York Times spent 85 days in jail in 2005 for refusing to reveal sources in the Valerie Plame case. Blogger Josh Wolf last year got seven months in prison because he wouldn't turn over videotape he shot of a protest at the G8 Summit. Reporters for the San Francisco Chronicle almost went to jail for reporting on the steroid scandal. And in Arizona, a district attorney in October arrested two reporters for revealing grand jury information. I'm not cherry-picking here. The well-respected organization Reporters Without Borders now ranks the United States 48th out of 169 countries in terms of freedom of the press. It's embarrassing.

I know. Reporters are obnoxious and intrusive. Maybe, you're thinking, the media deserve a comeuppance. Indeed, after Hopkins made her decision, online comment boards made clear that many agreed with her. And that echoes national sentiments. According to polling by the Pew Research Center, for example, over the last 12 years, Americans have become more critical of the news media. Fewer think the media are moral (46 percent, down from 54 percent), more think they are inaccurate (53 percent, up from 34 percent) and where once a majority thought the press helped "protect democracy," now those who believe so is down to 44 percent.

That last finding is perhaps the most disturbing and reflects a fundamental misconception about the role of the press. Look at the original text of the First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press." There's a reason speech and the press are mentioned together. To the framers, our ability to say what we wanted (that is, speech) went hand-in-hand with our ability to communicate those words to others (using the press). Today, though, the two have become disconnected. Freedom of the press now seems like a special privilege that applies not to us but to distant, powerful, and impenetrable corporations.

Admittedly, the growth of big media - first, newspapers, later, radio and television - makes this thinking easy. Yet technology is changing that. Anyone with an Internet connection can now not only be a reporter, but a publisher as well (blogs and YouTube being obvious examples). Increasingly, media are becoming more democratized - and more like what the Founding Fathers envisioned.

This plays into the debate in Washington over a so-called shield law to protect journalists from revealing sources. Part of the debate involves this question: Who is a journalist? Someone for whom reporting is a full-time profession? Someone working for an established media organization? Or anyone?

I think it should be anyone. If you report, investigate, or opine - even part time - then you're doing journalism. That's not to say that every blogger's work is necessarily as good as that of traditional news organizations. There are huge advantages to having training, editors, a code of ethics, and the resources to be able to dig deeply into a topic. But the First Amendment was never designed to protect only professionals. It was designed to defend everyone's ability to communicate. And that's what so worries me about the Merita Hopkinses of the world. When they take on the First Amendment, they're not just striking a blow at some well-coifed talking head on a TV newscast. They're going after all of us.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, December 2, 2007.