Securing the peace
The Fortnight That Wasn't
A NUMBER of Americans sort-of-remembered "a date which will live in infamy" about an attack that happened on December something-or-other 60 or 70 years ago when some country attacked a US harbor way out west in California or maybe even in Hawaii.
The Bush administration said that after unrelenting and escalating pressure by the United States in 2006 and 2007, Iran finally stopped its nuclear development program in 2003. "This marks a major victory in the president's efforts to secure peace," said a White House spokesperson, who added that the president's next major diplomatic initiative would be to mount a campaign to force East Germany to tear down the Berlin Wall in 1989.
Vladimir Putin offered to assist Hugo Chavez in future elections after the Venezuelan president narrowly lost a contest to revise his country's constitution. The Russian president, who recently won a lopsided vote in his favor, said he would send technical advisers to help Chavez better intimidate opposition parties and manage vote counting. "With our expertise in these matters, we'll make sure that next time around President Chavez turns this disappointing defeat into an overwhelming victory," Putin added.
The CIA announced a major technological breakthrough in evidence destruction. "Thirty years ago, the best we could manage was 18-minute gaps in tape recordings," officials testified in closed-door hearings before Congress. "Now, we've learned to wipe out videotapes altogether." Members of Congress said that while they felt compelled to appear upset at the news, their seeming rage would diminish once they were provided with access to the same know-how.
As the Iowa caucuses loomed, the presidential race began to heat up. With Oprah Winfrey stumping for Barack Obama, Curt Schilling campaigning for John McCain, and Madonna backing Hillary Clinton, other candidates began scrambling to secure their own celebrity support. Polls showed the endorsements mattered. "If these candidates aren't good enough for a celebrity, they certainly aren't good enough for me," said one typical voter. A major beneficiary of this attitude appears to be Fred Thompson, who, as a well-known actor, is in the unique position of being able to endorse himself. Thompson's staffers said they hoped such an endorsement would be forthcoming, but had not yet awakened the candidate to ask him.
In a major speech, Mitt Romney spoke to conservative Christian ministers, assuring them that his religion was no more outlandish than theirs. "You believe the Earth began less than 10,000 years ago; I believe an angel gave golden tablets to a 17-year-old," Romney explained. "You believe the Bible is literally true; I believe in baptism of the dead." The ministers said they were impressed by Romney's words, but still thought their beliefs less preposterous since they happened a long time ago.
Republicans said they were embarrassed by a YouTube/CNN debate that featured questions about the Bible, gays in the military, the North American Union, and the size of their gun collections. "Sure, this is what we talk about with our true believers," said one candidate, "but we certainly didn't want all of America to know."
Rounding out the campaign news, the major presidential candidates all agreed to suspend campaigning during Christmas week. "There comes a time when we all need to pay attention to the things that really matter," the candidates said. "So our message to Americans this season is, please, go to the mall. We'll be back with you on the 26th."
And finally, a group of climatologists released a pessimistic report on the newly observed phenomenon of solar dimming, confirming widespread observations that periods of sunlight appeared to be getting shorter by about two minutes every day. "Back in June, we had over 15 hours of sun. Now, just six months later, we're down to nine," the scientists said. "If these trends continue, by next September it'll be perpetually dark." The scientists could offer few solutions. "There's not much we can do but put a brave face on things. Light candles; sing hymns; gather together as families. The truth is, though, we're all doomed."
Published on December 16, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.
