Lovin' Large

News item--A new study conducted by Duke University psychologist Martin Binks shows that heavy women feel less sexually attractive.

Playboy Enterprises, Inc. (NYSE: PLA, PLA.A) announced today a new strategic direction for its flagship publication, Playboy Magazine, as well as related video and live entertainment business lines. “The magazine has suffered through several years of declining circulation figures. In addition, viewership of our Spice video products is off as is attendance at the company’s network of Playboy Clubs,” said chief financial officer Linda Havard. “Thanks to new research from Dr. Martin Binks, however, we believe we have found the answer.”

Bink’s study, publicly released this week at The Obesity Society conference in Vancouver, involved 145 overweight women enrolled in a diet program at the Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis. Initially, 68 percent of women said they felt sexually unattractive and 63 percent said they did not want to be seen naked. A year later, after losing weight, just 26 percent said they felt unattractive and only 34 percent said they did not want to be seen without clothes.

A follow-up study of 200 male subjects, specially commissioned by Playboy, found the women’s self-perception to be accurate. “When first viewing these women, 98 percent of our test subjects -- all ranging from ages 18 to 25 -- said they too did not want to see them naked.  After the weight loss, however, the figures nearly reversed, with 95 percent of the men now saying they were eager to see the women undressed,” said Binks.

“This contradicts everything we believed to be true,” said Playboy CEO Christie Hefner. “We thought today’s man liked real women -- women who are curvy and Rubenesque, with flesh and blood on their bones. That’s why we brought out innovative new pictorials such as “Girls of the Pork 10” and the new extra-wide centerfold. That’s why we introduced the new Thunderbunnies at our Playboy Clubs and brought out our new video line, ‘Double the Woman, Double the Fun.’ Indeed, it’s why we recently redesigned our Rabbit Head logo to be fluffier.”

“Given this new data,” Havard said, “We now plan to trim things down.  Pictorials will feature svelte woman and we’re going to reduce the amount of cellulite. It doesn’t seem fair, but you can’t argue with the data.”

“It turns out the old reprobate was right,” added Hefner.  “Dad liked them skinny and apparently tastes haven’t changed.”

Hefner denied charges that the gender of Playboy Enterprises’ aging senior management team, which is dominated by women, had anything to do with the Company’s recent miscues. “Look at those ads for Dove Firming Lotion,” said Hefner, “We’re not the only ones who thought that big was beautiful.”