Tom Keane

If Lincoln Had Used PowerPoint When Giving the Gettysburg Address

Click on the image below and either open or download the presentation to your computer.  Requires Microsoft PowerPoint.

City Games: Old Beats New; Men Trounce Women

Old Boston scored a decisive 10-4 victory over New Boston in yesterday’s biennial Games, confounding political-sports analysts who had speculated that New was poised for a win. The thumping administered at the polls underscored Old’s continued domination of the Games, one that has lasted for more than a century.

The Games, a Boston tradition, included two matches this year, one for Mayor and a second for City Council. Old won the Mayor’s contest 1-0 and the battle for Council by a lopsided 9-4. Still, the slight improvement by New -- two years ago, it managed to score only 3 -- provided some consolation to New stalwarts. “At this rate, it is entirely possible that New scores a victory in 2011,” said Robert Taylor, a close observer of city-sports.

Others scoffed at the claim. “New has no bench to speak of,” pointed out analyst Gill Jackson. “Of the 17 or so players in the Games this year, New was only able to field a handful. You’re never going to win as long as that is happening.” Other New strategists glumly agreed, noting that potential New recruits seem to have little enthusiasm for playing poli-sports, preferring to go to school, start a business, or do other useful things with their lives.

In a second contest held yesterday, Men routed Women 13-1. While Men have never lost the biennial games, they did see their margins erode a decade ago to a low of 10-4. In 2001, however, Men bounced back, winning 12-2. This year's results prompted exultation. “Next time it’s a shutout!” said one fan of Men. If so, that might mark a return to the Games held prior to the 1960s, when Men were so powerful that Women frequently would not even play.

Candidate calls

So I’ve got Sam Yoon on the phone, telling me about how he wants to keep housing costs affordable when – beep – another call comes in.

“Hold that thought, Sam,” I say as I click the flash button.

Whoah.  It’s city councilor Steve Murphy.  “Steve, I’m on the line with Sam. Can you call…?” But no such luck.  Steve’s got some things to say and he starts his spiel.

I click back.  Yoon’s gone. But – beep – there’s another call. “Sam?” I ask, thinking maybe he’s calling back.  But no, it’s Patricia White.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hello back at you, Patricia,” I respond.  Then she starts talking to me about education. “Patty, wait!” I say, hoping to cut her off and get back to Steve. No luck.  She plows ahead.

A few minutes later it’s Matt O’Malley. “I want to know what you think,” he says.  I start telling him but he still keeps on talking. Maybe he didn’t hear me.

For weeks, it’s been like this and I’ve been loving it.  Sam, Matt, Patricia, Mike, Felix, Maura, John, Steve, Eddie – we’re on a first name basis now.  I have to admit, it’s made me feel good to know all of the candidates cared so deeply and personally about me. I don’t get many calls as it is, so they’ve really made me feel connected, really made me feel important.

Curious, though, how one sided those calls have been.  I think I understand – the intensity of the campaign, the constant demands on their time – but you’d think these candidates would stop a moment and have a conversation. But no.  Once they’re on the line, they just let loose. 

Funny, too, how they sometimes repeat themselves.  Last week Maura called about the number of cops on the street. Yesterday?  Cops again.

Oh well.  At least they call.  And that makes today, Election Day, somewhat bittersweet.  I’ve enjoyed these calls and with campaigns ending, I guess they’re going to end too. But they don’t have too. I’ll still be here, guys, waiting by the phone.  Even with the election over, I’d love to hear from you again.

Health Care Crisis Solved

Massachusetts legislative leaders agreed today on a breakthrough plan to provide universal healthcare coverage while avoiding the imposition of any new taxes or fees on businesses or consumers.

At the heart of the proposal is a scheme to dramatically reduce payments to physicians to an amount roughly equal to the state’s minimum hourly wage.  “Have you ever seen the kinds of cars these doctors drive?” asked House speaker Sal Dimasi. “BMWs, Mercedes, Jaguars. And their houses – stately mansions on manicured lawns in Weston, Wellesley and Concord.  This is where all of our money has been going, and quite frankly, it’s an outrage.”

The shockingly high payments to physicians were uncovered only after extensive analysis by aides to Senate president Robert Travalglini. “We were stunned,” Travaglini said.  “For years we’ve been trying to figure out why health care costs so much. And it was right under our noses.”

“All of the time, these docs were telling us they’re doing what they do because they love humanity and want to do good for the world,” added John McDonough, executive director of Health Care for All. “But then you take a look at the loot they’re bringing home and it’s like, I don’t think so.”

Under the proposal, which is expected to pass both Houses quickly, reimbursement to general practice physicians would be limited to $6.75 an hour.  Specialists would be entitled to more depending on the complexity of their practices.  Heart surgeons, for example, would receive an extra $1.00 an hour for the amount of time they actually spent in surgery.

The new regime is expected to cut the Commonwealth’s healthcare costs by more than half, saving money not only for the private sector, but also for the state. “We figure our Medicaid bill – now about $7 billion -- will drop to $3.5 billion,” said DiMasi. “There are so many other priorities in this state that have gotten short shrift because of out-of-control medical costs – including artificially depressed legislators salaries, I might note. Now is our opportunity to take care of all of them.”

One anomaly of the new plan is that physicians’ wages will be significantly below those of nurses and other health care personnel. “True,” admitted Travaglini. “But have you seen the commercials their unions run?  There’s no way we’re going to cross them.”

The new Ameriprise ad

(click image for full size picture)

Surge in city vacation days

Boston city officials today reported a stunning rise in the number of employees seeking vacation time in early November.

“Usually we see vacation days scattered pretty evenly across the year, with an expected rise during the summer and around school vacation weeks in December, February and April,” said Dennis A. DiMarzio, the city’s chief operating officer. “But this year nearly 70 percent of our employees have requested leave for next week. It certainly is a puzzle.”

Equally curious, it appears from city records that almost all of the requested leaves are for one day only. “That’s a surprise too,” added DiMarzio. “You’d think our employees would want to take a week or two off when they had a chance.  Instead, all they’re seeking is just a day. You’ve got to give them credit. They’re a dedicated, tireless bunch and they probably need a break.  But they are so in love with their jobs that they simply take the minimum time off and then jump right back into the thick of things.”

Many city employees interviewed said they planned to spend their vacations in the city, enjoying the autumn day.  “I thought I’d wander over to the library in Copley Square and hang out, talking to my friends and neighbors,” said Marie Curley, an employee with the city’s Park’s Department. South Boston resident and Transportation specialist Andrew Mulligan had similar thoughts, with plans to spend the day outside of the Gate of Heaven CYO on Fourth Street. “I just hope it’s not raining,” he said.

Mayor Thomas M. Menino said that, while he too was mystified by the sudden rise in vacation days, it was fine by him. “Employees have the right to take vacations when they need them,” he said. “It's been a difficult year and they're hard workers. I’m certainly not going to discourage them from spending a day or so relaxing with their families and neighbors.”

Virtually all of the vacation days appear scheduled for Tuesday, November 8, which also happens to be the city’s Election Day. DiMarzio termed that “a complete coincidence.”

Why Theo Left

The following conversation was recorded at the Cask ‘n Flagon, a bar on Brookline Ave by Fenway Park, at around 11 PM on Wednesday, November 2, 2005. Speaker A is believed to be Theo Epstein, former general manager of the Red Sox.  Speaker B is unidentified, but appears to be a long-time friend.

<Transcript begins>

B: ….a lot of cake, man.

A: Yeah, but Mom and Dad have plenty.  Besides, how many flat screen TVs do you need?

B: Still, you always told me this was your dream job.

A: Right, and I did it. I always wanted to win a series for the Sox and I did it. Been there, done that. 

B: But even at Brookline High, even when we were kids, you said this was what you wanted to do when you grew up.

A: Actually, when I was a real little kid, I wanted to be a fireman.  But I grew out of that. And I grew out of baseball too. Let me tell you something.  I look out at that press conference at these grown men -- and some grown women -- and all I can think is how pathetic they are.  Shaughnessy lives and dies by it.  Lucchino has spent his entire life in it.  And even someone like Henry -- who actually seems to have a brain -- falls gaga over it. It’s just a stupid game. A stupid game. But they treat it like it’s real life. And the fans, living and dying over every friggin’ detail. Don’t get me started.

B: You were always a fan too.

A: Yeah, but I never thought it was the real world.  You know, all they say is how young I am. But I’m 31. I’m at the age when everyone else in baseball starts shilling for Fords or flopping on beds at Bernie & Phyl’s. Living on past glories, trapped in some sort of delayed adolescence. Not for me, man.  It’s time to grow up. Time to do something meaningful with my life.

B: Around here, most people think the Sox are the most meaningful thing there is.

A: I know, I know.   Sad, isn’t it? I didn’t have the heart to tell them how foolish and empty their lives are.  So I just mumbled stuff about ‘my whole heart and soul’ and left it at that. Truth is, I want to accomplish something lasting, something that changes people’s lives.

B: Any ideas?

A: I don’t know.  Maybe soft-core porn…?

<Transcript ends>

Holiday Savings Time

A plan to create “Holiday Savings Time,” a new scheme intended to save people time and money, is circulating Capitol Hill, getting rave reviews from legislators and national interest groups alike.

Under the proposal, each significant national holiday would be held on the subsequent significant national holiday.  Thus, Halloween would be held on Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving would be held on Christmas, Christmas on New Year’s Day, New Year’s on Valentine’s Day, and so on.

"By holding holidays later, we’d give people extra time to plan their parties, do their shopping and decorate their homes,” said Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA), a supporter of the plan. 

“Just last week I was talking with constituents who said that it seemed as if Halloween had come upon them so suddenly,” said Rep. Mary Whitaker Bono (R-CA), who described herself as “intrigued” by the scheme. “They hadn’t had time to make costumes for their kids, buy candy for trick-or-treaters or carve their pumpkins. With Holiday Savings Time, they would have had almost a month extra.”

The National Psychiatric Association, a supporter of the plan, noted that holiday stress is one of the leading causes of depression, sometimes even leading to suicide. “Christmastime is especially bad,” said NPA spokesman Dr. Alan Freudenstein. “How many times have we thought, in the frantic last-minute rush to buy gifts, ‘If only I had a few more days.’' This idea will do that, giving us the greatest gift of all: a little more time.”

Extra time is only one of the virtues of Holiday Savings Time, say advocates.  The National Retailers Association argues that an additional month or so of shopping will be a boon to the economy.  "Econometic models we've developed show the number of purchases at major holidays could more than double,"  said spokeswoman Erica Bushner.

The Consumer Federation of America also signaled its support, saying the plan could help consumers. “Just look at the sales that happen right after a holiday.  On November 1, it’s 50 percent off all Halloween candy. The day after Christmas, the price cuts are huge.  And they’re practically giving away diamonds on February 15,” said CFA’s Gene Eidelman. “Delay the holidays a few weeks, and we figure consumers could save billions.”

The scheme has its detractors. One implication of the new plan is that the Fourth of July would occur on the first Monday in September, a change that has already upset a few conservatives who are unsure of what the holiday would then be called. Others, such as Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), question whether the plan will work at all. “This is simply stupid,” McCain told reporters at a press conference. “It won’t fool anybody.  Stores won’t hold sales in advance of a holiday, no matter what day you say it’s going to occur on.  And all people will do with a few extra weeks is put off their planning and shopping even further.”

Advocates disagree. “Holiday Savings Time is no more moronic than Daylight Savings Time,” said Rep. Jim Cooper (D-TN). “After all, when we ‘spring forward’ or ‘fall behind,’ all we’re doing is moving the hands of a clock back and forth. The American people have an enormous capacity for self-deception. If they think an act of Congress can alter time, then they’ll probably buy into this as well.”