Tom Keane

2005 Fails in Bid for Second Term

Voters have overwhelmingly rejected 2005's bid for a second term, meaning that challenger 2006 will assume control of the new year on January 1.

2005 had argued that it deserved re-election for its exceptionally strong economic performance.  The number of jobs in the United States increased by over 1.8 million in 2005, while productivity rose, inflation remained in check and average wages increased by almost 50 cents an hour, 2005 said.  That proved unpersuasive to voters however. “2005 was a disaster,” said one voter, citing the year’s toxic mix of “tsunamis, hurricanes, wars, and corruption.” Even 2005’s claims to a better economy met with scorn. “My house has gone down in value by over 20 percent since 2004,” noted one suburban voter.

This latest contest marked the 2,005th time that incumbent years have lost to challengers, a phenomenon that has the makings of a “trend,” said one analyst. 2006’s victory, however, was by an exceptionally wide margin, comparable to the easy wins challengers had against incumbents 2001, 1963, 1929, 1861 and 1776.  In most cases, it appears voters were justified in turning out old for the new. Sometimes, however, history has proven them wrong. Challenger 1930, for example, delivered an even worse depression than 1929 had initiated.  And many voters called for a recount after ousting 1776 when they later discovered that Gen. George Washington had managed at the end of the year to win a significant battle, thereby altering the course of the Revolutionary War.

Challenger 2006 lured voters with the promises of “peace and prosperity,” a slogan that has been used to great effect by many previous challengers. So far, however, none have delivered on their campaign pledges. 2006, young and inexperienced, may grow into the job and prove the exception, but most observers are already anticipating that 2006 will face a tough battle against expected candidate 2007 just 12 months from now.

Economists Propose Longer Year

A blue-ribbon group of Nobel Prize-winning economists proposed today that the calendar year be lengthened by a week to make up for the lost period between Christmas and New Years.

“The seven days between Christmas and New Year’s Day are virtually worthless,” the group’s report said. “People wake up on the 26th mildly depressed by the end of Christmas. They return all of their gifts -- which is essentially negative economic growth -- and then spend the rest of the week calling up their friends and trying to figure out what they’ll be doing on New Year’s Eve.” According to the report, many people take the entire week off.  Those that do not come into work late, take longer lunches, spend much of their time chatting with co-workers about what they did and did not receive, and then leave early.

“In order to maintain a robust economy,” the economists said, “We need a solid 52 weeks worth of work.  Right now, the end of the year interregnum is cheating the economy out of precisely 1.9 percent of the economic activity it deserves.”

The economists acknowledge that the two holidays are so embedded in the nation’s culture that it is probably unlikely they will be abolished.  One possible remedy is to require Christmas and New Years to fall on consecutive days. But the economists’ preferred solution is simply to increase the year by seven days. “In effect, we can have our cake and eat it to,” the report continues, “Taking a week off while still getting a full year’s work.”

The economists acknowledged that the longer, 53-week year may eventually prove a cosmological problem as the start of each new year gradually shifts forward to spring, summer, fall and then back to winter again. “Much like Social Security,” they said, “That’s a problem we leave to future generations to solve.”

Damon Returns to Sox

The Red Sox announced today a new behavior code for players, prompting centerfielder Johnny Damon to renounce his just-signed contract with the New York Yankees and say he would play with Boston in 2006.

“I was tired of being an idiot,” Damon told reporters. “I was the guy with long hair and a scraggly beard, the fool who threw water balloons from his apartment, the moron who dumped his wife and kids, and then hooked up with surgically-enhanced blondes. I felt trapped when I was in Boston, because everyone expected me to keep on being the same loosey-goosey clown. Going to New York was never about the money. I wanted to change and the Yankees offered a way out.”

In response to the Yankee offer to Damon, the Red Sox drew up a personal conduct code modeled on that of the New York team, but vastly tougher. The new code not only touches on matters of personal grooming, including boy’s regular haircuts, daily bathing and the use of deodorants, but also regulates personal behavior off the field, such as drinking, dancing, and dating.

It was the new code that caused Damon to change his mind.  “I need discipline, I need someone to take me by the hand and tell me how to behave,” Damon said.  “This new Red Sox code is even better than the one the Yankees have and will help me turn my life around.”

Still, don’t count the Yankees out. General manager Brian Cashman is reportedly spearheading an effort to rewrite the Bronx Bombers’ own player code, imposing standards on everything from the cars players drive to the kinds of women they can marry. One controversial regulation would require players to have a minimum of three cute young children available for charity events. “The tougher it is, the better our chances of getting Damon back again,” said one Yankee source. “We’ll do anything, even making him dump that bimbo wife.”

Doubts Rise on Korean Cloning

Allegations of fraud by South Korean cloning pioneer Hwang Woo Suk have raised questions about whether he and his team have ever really accomplished cloning. Hwang received worldwide attention last August when he unveiled “Snuppy,” supposedly the world's first cloned dog.  Yet proof of his most recent claim -- that he grew stem cells matching a patient’s DNA -- was undermined when other researchers discovered he had simply photocopied photographs of the cells and presented them as “clones.” The worry now is that Hwang’s efforts were simply cheap tricks, more in the way of bad copies than genuine cloning.

Allegations of fraud by North Korean cloning pioneer Hwang Woo Suk have raised questions about whether he and his team have ever really accomplished cloning. Hwang received worldwide attention last August when he unveiled “Snuppy,” supposedly the world's first cloned dog. Yet proof of his most recent claim -- that he grew stem cells matching a patient’s DNA -- was undermined when other researchers discovered he had simply photocopied photographs of the cells and presented them as “clones.” The worry now is that Hwang’s efforts were simply cheap tricks, more in the way of bad copies than genuine cloning.

Allegations of fraud by North Korean cloning pioneer Hwang Woo Suk have raised questions about whether he and his team have ever really accomplished cloning. Hwang received worldwide attention last August when he unveiled “Snuppy,” supposedly the world's first cloned cat. Yet proof of his most recent claim -- that he grew stem cells matching a patient’s DNA -- was undermined when other researchers discovered he had simply photocopied photographs of the cells and presented them as “clones.” The worry now is that Hwang’s efforts were simply cheap tricks, more in the way of bad copies than genuine cloning.

Allegations of fraud by North Korean cloning pioneer Hwang Woo Suk have raised questions about whether he and his team have ever really accomplished cloning. Hwang received worldwide attention last August when he unveiled “Snuppy,” supposedly the world's first cloned cat. Yet proof of his most recent claim -- that he grew stem cells matching a patient’s GPA -- was undermined when other researchers discovered...

Scenes from a Hollywood Studio

Act I

Establishing shot of exterior. Crane into and through window to a conference room.  Seated around a table are five people -- three men and two women.

A: Maybe you can explain Brokeback Mountain to me.  Who the hell thought this one up?

B: Sir, it’s the best of both worlds.  We figured red state folks would love cowboy stories. And the blue state people would go to anything gay…

C (cutting in): Plus guys love westerns.  And the love angle makes it a chick flick.

D: It’s our combo strategy. Instead of just going after one market segment – say women or adolescent males – we make a movie that appeals to both. One plus one – it can’t miss.

A: Except no one’s going. Have you seen the numbers? $3.5 million after three weeks? Did you ever think that maybe red staters would refuse to see a gay film?

E: And blue staters don’t like anything that reminds them of John Wayne.

A: Women aren’t going to go see a western…

E: And no way your straight hets are going to sit still while Ledger and Gyllenhaal lock lips.

B: But the critics loved it!

E: Great.  Once you can get them to start paying for their tickets, you may be on to something. Kill it.

C: Kill it! We can’t. It’s the whole premise behind our upcoming schedule.

A: How so?

C: Well, we’ve got a story in development, it’s an animated spin-off of The Big Sleep starring the characters from Toy Story.

A: You’ve got to be kidding me.

D: It’ll be great.  Family audiences and mystery fans all lining up for the same show.

E: Or not.

C: And then of course there’s Dawn of the Red – it’s a remake of the zombie flicks, but cast in the British Museum with Karl Marx feverishly writing Das Kapital.

D: Sort of political theory meets the undead.

B: Poli-sci students and horror fans will love it.

A: Tell me this isn’t happening.

D: And the Buddy Holly Story is close to release.

E: That sounds okay...

D: Well, Buddy’s a dog.

C: Chihuahua. We figure it appeals to pop music lovers and the PETA crowd.

A: You’re all fired.

B, C, and D (in unison): Fired? But how about the second act?

A: Forget it.  Movie’s over.

(Cut)

NSA Uncovers Terrorist Conspiracy

The National Security Administration today defended its domestic spying program, saying that, although possibly illegal, the effort had uncovered a massive and complex conspiracy to ship arms, munitions, and even terrorist foot soldiers to the United States.

The alarming communications monitored by the NSA were mostly in the form of letters addressed to an unidentified terrorist mastermind located to the extreme north of the globe. According to an NSA official, thousands of requests for materiel were sent to the individual, known only by the initials SC. The letters apparently caught the agency’s eye because the method of delivery -- at night and to be secreted under various topiary -- seemed especially suspicious.

Some of the requests were innocuous. However, said the official, “Others were clearly of a threatening nature,” and included requests for weaponry, such as pistols, submachine guns, and even bazookas. More disturbing were letters asking for “army men” or “GI Joes” intended, the NSA believes, to support domestic insurgency or to become double agents within the US Armed Forces. Of particular concern were requests for devices, evidently in the possession of SC and ready to be distributed, that are at the cutting edge of technology.  “Lasers, impenetrable armor, even something called Transformers -- so novel that we only have a prototype -- are apparently available just for the asking,” said the NSA official.

The mysterious SC, an older, hirsute man allegedly aided by a large crew of diminutive devotees, used sophisticated record-keeping procedures to make “lists” which he was “checking twice,” the NSA said. Curiously, some of the requests were denied by SC because they were “naughty,” the NSA said, although the exact nature of the shortcoming couldn’t be determined.  Most, however, were “nice” and there seemed to be an implicit promise that the goods would be delivered, via some sort of air transport, by the end of the calendar year.

The NSA said plans for SC’s deliveries have been in the works for almost a year and appear to be going forward notwithstanding recent newspaper revelations about the agency’s spying program.  Military jets have already been put on alert and the agency said it was confident it could thwart SC’s scheme. “Don’t worry,” said the NSA official, “we’ll nail the bastard, bells and all.”

Apparel Summit Targets Crime

In the wake of Tuesday's quadruple homicide in Dorchester, Mayor Thomas Menino unveiled new efforts to prevent teens and young adults from wearing inappropriate clothing.

Frustrated by the city’s escalating crime rate, a week ago Menino had demanded that stores stop selling T-shirts emblazoned with “Stop Snitchin’.” After the most recent tragedy, however, an angry Mayor, saying “clearly, we need to do more,” organized an “Apparel Summit” with representatives of the police department, District Attorney’s office, local field offices of the FBI, state police and lobbyists for the textile industry. The Summit concluded with a sweeping plan for clamping down on offending outerwear.

Under the plan, police and other officials will create a special “Togs Team” that will target retailers selling clothing that sends the wrong message to the city’s youth. “Butt patches, excessive bleaching, ripped or baggy jeans, double entendres on sweaters -- we’re going after the whole lot,” the Mayor said, citing as an example a shirt from Abercrombie & Fitch that says “Never A Silent Night.” “These clothes all encourage disrespect for society and the rules we live under,” he said.

In addition, the plan prohibits anyone under age 30 from wearing the offending clothing in public. Menino said that approximately 100 officers would be reassigned to locations where kids tend to congregate, such Faneuil Hall, Newbury Street, and Downtown Crossing. First time offenders would be forced to remove the banned article and would receive a $100 fine. Subsequent offenses could mean jail time.

Some merchants objected that the city’s new proscriptions could potentially make illegal over half of the products they sell. In addition, many parents protested that, because the ban applies to clothes their children already own, they would have to go out and buy new apparel. “Too bad,” Menino responded, “If I can save just one life by getting kids to dress a little better, it’s worth it.”

Menino also warned potential criminals of the possibility of even more drastic tactics. “If these new measures don't stop crime, then we'll go further. Pushup bras, bright colors, expensive athletic shoes, G-string panties -- there’s no limit to what I’ll ban. I don’t care if it means that the only thing everyone is allowed to wear is a suit and tie -- it’s time to make our city safe.

Voters upset as Galvin withdraws from race

Stunned voters across Massachusetts expressed deep disappointment after Secretary of State William Galvin. a Brighton resident, announced he would not be a candidate for Governor in 2006.

Should he have run, Galvin -- an electrifying and wildly popular politician -- would have been an instant front-runner for the post, according to interviews conducted by reporters in Brighton Square of a randomly selected sampling of voters assembled by the Secretary of State. “The good ones just don’t run anymore,” was one typical comment. Many praised Galvin for his most visible activity, predicting voter turnout at each election. “This is the kind of stuff we need from a governor,” said a randomly selected citizen.

Widely known as the “Prince of Darkness” for his behind-the-scenes machinations and his ability to manipulate media coverage in his favor, Galvin was seen as a refreshing alternative to Attorney General Tom Reilly and former Clinton appointee Deval Patrick, both candidates who have stressed open and accessible government. Galvin instead prefers to work secretively, with a minimum of outside scrutiny. He has, for example, been quietly trying to subvert efforts to move the state towards an open software platform, a position that has earned him much gratitude from the Microsoft Corporation.

“It’s the ruthless and nefarious stuff that makes government work,” said another randomly selected voter. “Reilly and Patrick are goodie two-shoes, honest this and straightforward that. What wimps. We need someone who’s willing to take the low road. ”

Galvin, secretary of state since 1994, has flirted with higher office before, most notably surfacing his name every four years as a potential candidate for Governor.  Each time there has been a massive outpouring of support for his candidacy, he assured reporters.  Nevertheless, Galvin has stayed where he is. “Of course I could win,” he said. “Yet politics is all about helping people. What better place to do that than from a position as genuinely satisfying and rewarding as Secretary of State?

Last Minute Panic

Since when did early December become last minute?

Little can compare to the adrenalin rush I get by putting off everything until December 24th. Right now, not only is my Christmas list unfilled but I don’t even have a Christmas list. The same (and frequently realized) hope of previous years -- that some friends would drop me, thereby relieving me of a shopping burden -- means that Christmas Eve isn’t just the last shopping day. It is, in fact, the only shopping day.

And then it’s pell-mell into the mad rush -- swarming counters, dashing from store to store, pulling stuff off shelves, desperately trying to find something perfect.

Well, maybe not perfect.  For the experience is not unlike late night at a pick-up bar.  One’s standards decay as the hours wane. By mid-afternoon, most any gift will do. The measure of success becomes merely the purchase of anything at all and I arrive home, laden down, wrung out from the exertion.

Now that’s last minute shopping.

But, as we all know, the Internet has changed everything. Oh what joy there was when Amazon.com came along. I was no longer slave to bricks-and-mortar retailers, forced to drive from place to place, battling irritable shoppers and enduring surly clerks.  Instead I could sit in the comfort of home, running through shopping ‘bots, merrily typing in credit card numbers. Such convenience. I vowed never to set foot in a retail store again.

Except that today is December 12 -- thirteen days before the big day, a veritable lifetime of gift-buying still left -- and LandsEnd.com is now telling me, in no uncertain terms: “Order now for Christmas delivery.”

They’re hardly alone. “Still time for that special last-minute gift,” says another site. “Last minute orders welcomed,” says a third. A fourth tells me a gift I was considering now can't be delivered until the 28th.

Two weeks to go and it’s last minute? I feel the bile rising in my throat, the familiar feel of sweaty palms, the tightness in the pit of my stomach. I’m beginning to panic. Must. Buy. Now.

No dammit. I take control of myself. I refuse to be intimidated.  “Last minute” should mean “last minute.” I don’t order two beers when last call is still three hours away; I hold out until the moment itself. And that’s what I intend to do this year.  If they won’t accommodate to me, then I’ll wait. And when the 24th rolls around, I plan to rebel, confounding modernity in a most non-Web, anti-Internet kind of way.

I’ll go shopping.

Bring Back the Happy Holidays

The deholiday-ization of the Happy Holidays proceeds apace.  Where once it was “Season’s Greetings” and a kiss under mistletoe, now it’s “Merry Christmas” and a manger. The nonsecularists are taking over, trampling underfoot our grand Happy Holiday traditions.

You can see it in the stores.  Last year I shopped for presents.  This year it’s Christmas shopping.  Where once I sang, "Fa-la-la-la-la," now it's “What Child Is This.” I used to put up a Holiday tree. Today they call it a Christmas tree.

That’s not how it used to be. When I was growing up, the Holiday Season wasn’t about Christmas.  It was about toys and elves and sliding down chimneys. The Season announced itself around Thanksgiving. TV advertising about breakfast cereals suddenly gave way to a blizzard of ads featuring one great new product after another from Mattel, Wham-O and Kenner. We made our lists for Santa Claus, we trouped down to Jordan Marsh to sit on his knee, and we stood in line for hours to see a 19th century version of the Happy Holidays at the Enchanted Village.

We learned about the intricacies of the Season: the helpful Mrs. Claus, the eight tiny reindeer, the busy workshop at the North Pole, the magical sleigh that somehow managed to hold enough presents for every boy and girl in the entire world. We watched the shows -- the Nutcracker, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Scrooge, Babes in Toyland, Frosty the Snowman and, of course, It’s a Wonderful Life. We spent an evening trimming the tree. We festooned the house with blinking lights and plastic snowmen lit from within. On nights and weekends, we’d go shopping, part of an energetic mass of humanity desperate to get that last-minute gift.

And then we’d wait, counting down the days until that special night when, tucked in our beds, we’d all swear we heard prancing on the roof overhead and we all dreaded the real possibility of coal in our stocking.

And now?  Now it’s all about virgin births and swaddling clothes. We’ve allowed religion to trump commerce, church to trump toys. And in the process, we have started to let the real meaning of the Season slip away.

So tell them loud and clear. The trees were never about Jesus. Santa Claus has nothing to do with salvation. And we'll drink egg nog whether or not the Magi ever show up. We want our Happy Holidays back!