Scenes from a Hollywood Studio

Act I

Establishing shot of exterior. Crane into and through window to a conference room.  Seated around a table are five people -- three men and two women.

A: Maybe you can explain Brokeback Mountain to me.  Who the hell thought this one up?

B: Sir, it’s the best of both worlds.  We figured red state folks would love cowboy stories. And the blue state people would go to anything gay…

C (cutting in): Plus guys love westerns.  And the love angle makes it a chick flick.

D: It’s our combo strategy. Instead of just going after one market segment – say women or adolescent males – we make a movie that appeals to both. One plus one – it can’t miss.

A: Except no one’s going. Have you seen the numbers? $3.5 million after three weeks? Did you ever think that maybe red staters would refuse to see a gay film?

E: And blue staters don’t like anything that reminds them of John Wayne.

A: Women aren’t going to go see a western…

E: And no way your straight hets are going to sit still while Ledger and Gyllenhaal lock lips.

B: But the critics loved it!

E: Great.  Once you can get them to start paying for their tickets, you may be on to something. Kill it.

C: Kill it! We can’t. It’s the whole premise behind our upcoming schedule.

A: How so?

C: Well, we’ve got a story in development, it’s an animated spin-off of The Big Sleep starring the characters from Toy Story.

A: You’ve got to be kidding me.

D: It’ll be great.  Family audiences and mystery fans all lining up for the same show.

E: Or not.

C: And then of course there’s Dawn of the Red – it’s a remake of the zombie flicks, but cast in the British Museum with Karl Marx feverishly writing Das Kapital.

D: Sort of political theory meets the undead.

B: Poli-sci students and horror fans will love it.

A: Tell me this isn’t happening.

D: And the Buddy Holly Story is close to release.

E: That sounds okay...

D: Well, Buddy’s a dog.

C: Chihuahua. We figure it appeals to pop music lovers and the PETA crowd.

A: You’re all fired.

B, C, and D (in unison): Fired? But how about the second act?

A: Forget it.  Movie’s over.

(Cut)