A Billion Little Pieces

Memoirs of a Life Reconstructed (real and entirely genuine, as seen on Oprah) 

I wake to the drone of an airplane engine and the feeling of something warm dripping down my chin. I lift my hand to feel my face. My four front teeth are gone, I have a hole in my cheek, my nose is broken and my eyes are swollen nearly shut. I open them and I’m in the back of a plane and there’s no one near me. I look at my clothes and my clothes are covered with a colorful mixture of spit, snot, urine, vomit and blood. I reach for the call button and I find it and I push it and I wait and thirty seconds later an alien appears. Her arms are long and spindly and she has three stalks of broccoli where her eyes should be.
Mxtahfpynd?
I don’t understand what you’re saying.
She affixes a universal translator to something that looks like a mouth but is in her belly.
We’ll be with you in a moment.
I watch as the aliens pass through the aircraft, disemboweling the passengers and taking their ears as souvenirs. I crawl on the floor under their long legs and make it to an emergency exit. Pulling hard on the door, I’m suddenly outside in the freezing air and falling faster than I’ve ever fallen before. As the ground rushes towards me a sleigh appears and I fall in the back, losing consciousness for a moment and, when I come to, finding myself in the arms of an extraordinarily beautiful woman.
I’m Santa.
I always knew the story about the fat man was a lie.
Thanks for the lift.
She deposits me in front of an aquarium and I walk in past the ticket-taker yelling at me and head for the dolphin exhibit. One shoots in the air, does a flip and lands with a splash.
Glad you could make it.
I’m looking for my Mom.
She was here earlier. Just wait.
A voice comes from across the concrete pavilion. Tom. Tom. Tom.
Please Mom. Not so loud.
Oh my God, what happened?
Let’s just get out of here Mom.
Not until you talk to the President first. Something about saving democracy.
I take a slug of spring water….