Captain’s Log

Chekov: Captain, we are approaching star Tau Ceti.

Spock: Correction, Ensign. That star is properly named Forever Tom.

Kirk: Since when, Spock?  That’s been Tau Ceti ever since my days at Starfleet Academy.

Spock: We’ve just received updated maps from Starfleet Command, Captain.  An Earth woman, Nicole Kidman, apparently named that star for her then-husband sometime between Stardate -344000 to -313000.

Kirk: That would be about 1979 to 2010 according to the calendar old Earth used before the Eugenics Wars.

Spock: Correct, Captain. It appears that the star was named as part of a program run by the International Star Registry.

Kirk: The ISR? That’s the predecessor to the Federation! It was founded by Rocky Mosele, one of my heroes back at the Academy.

Chekov: I know of him, Captain.  He was a Russian.

Spock: Incorrect, Ensign. Mosele was an American who persuaded tens of thousands of people to name stars as gifts for various loved ones, especially during traditional holiday periods such as Christmas and Valentine’s Day. The interest he sparked in the stars led directly to the development of the warp drive, phaser, and extremely short skirts on female starship crew.

Kirk: Why haven’t we heard of these names before, Spock?

Spock: The naming records were kept in a vault in the Earth city of Geneva and only recently were uncovered by Starfleet Command.  Of course, given the importance of the ISR in galactic history, Starfleet has ruled that all stars named as part of the ISR’s efforts must now be called by their correct names.

Sulu: Captain! Klingon warship dead ahead.

Spock:  Actually, Captain, that would be a Princess Diana warship.  Admirers of a member of the royalty of the old Earth nation of Britain named the Klingon star after her.

Kirk: Of course, Spock. I remember her.  She was assassinated by the Ricardo Montalban conspiracy that led directly to the Eugenics Wars!

Sulu: Captain! The Princess Diana warship has just been joined up with a Romulan cruiser!

Spock: That would be a Friends and Family of Edward ‘Eddie’ Smith cruiser, Mr. Sulu.

Kirk: Get us out of here, Sulu! Warp 6 to the Aldeban system!

Spock: The Bill and Susanna McCarthy system, Captain.

Kirk: Thanks, Spock. We’re lucky to have your Vulcan mind for precision.

Spock: You mean my Kristen Lombardy mind, Sir…