Tom Keane

Kerry Loses in Household Dispute

US Senator John Kerry came up short in a household dispute with his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, despite vows that he would outlast her in a debate over spending money.

The argument centered over the level of tips to be doled out to a local newsboy.  Kerry was adamant that a $1.00 a week tip was sufficient while Heinz Kerry insisted it should be more.  As Heinz Kerry attempted to make her case, Kerry kept talking over her, drowning out her words. Kerry had told aides earlier that he intended to, "out-talk, out-shout and out-last" his wife.  The strategy appeared to be effective for several minutes until Heinz Kerry glared at her husband and said, “John, shut up.” Kerry then relented.

The newsboy is now scheduled to receive a weekly tip of $2.00.

Goldberg Selects Running Mate

Deborah Goldberg, one of several Democrats running for lieutenant governor, announced today that she had chosen Miles Crawford, a frequent candidate for town meeting member in Belchertown, as her running mate for the upcoming gubernatorial elections. “With Miles at the top of the ticket and Deb playing second fiddle, we’ll be giving voters what they want: a team,” a campaign source said.

Goldberg’s move comes on the heels of an announcement by state attorney general and gubernatorial candidate Thomas Reilly that he had put together his own team, with state representative Marie St. Fleur his choice for lieutenant governor. The team approach is widely seen as a tactical strategy to balance strengths and weaknesses.  In Reilly's case, St. Fleur, who is Haitian-American, brings both racial and gender diversity.   

For his part, Crawford is a virtual unknown, brings no money to the race, and has never previously expressed an interest in becoming governor, the Goldberg campaign source acknowledged.  However, his rural heritage and abject poverty – Crawford is presently unemployed – balance well against Goldberg’s urban background and enormous wealth, the source said.

Shortly after Goldberg's announcement, Democratic candidates for governor and lieutenant governor started scrambling, trying to put together their own teams. Gubernatorial candidate Deval Patrick is now searching for a white, right-wing female to balance his African-American, left-wing, male credentials. Other candidates for lieutenant governor had reportedly taken out classified ads in local papers seeking running mates.

Hamas to Change Name

Disturbed by reports that its name has become synonymous with terrorism, Hamas announced today that it is renaming itself Peace and Love.

A spokesman for Peace and Love said that the Party wants world leaders to regard it differently.  “We just won an election in Palestine.  We are now poised to lead the Palestinian people, and we intend to be taken seriously by the international community.  We thought that a name change would help us accomplish all of that.”

The spokesman, brandishing a submachine gun and with a ten-inch knife lashed to his waist with a belt, stressed that the name change would not alter the organization's policy stances, however. “We still believe in the utter destruction of Israel and still intend to promote the use of suicide bombings and other violent action against innocents to achieve our aim,” he said. “But now when a bus blows up in a crowded shopping district, people won’t be blaming Hamas, they’ll be blaming Peace and Love.  But everyone is for peace and love, so we figure they won't be that upset.”

The spokesman acknowledged that over time the name change tactic could backfire, with Peace and Love becoming synonymous with terrorism.  “When that happens,” he said, “we’ll just change our name back to Hamas.”

A Billion Little Pieces

Memoirs of a Life Reconstructed (real and entirely genuine, as seen on Oprah) 

I wake to the drone of an airplane engine and the feeling of something warm dripping down my chin. I lift my hand to feel my face. My four front teeth are gone, I have a hole in my cheek, my nose is broken and my eyes are swollen nearly shut. I open them and I’m in the back of a plane and there’s no one near me. I look at my clothes and my clothes are covered with a colorful mixture of spit, snot, urine, vomit and blood. I reach for the call button and I find it and I push it and I wait and thirty seconds later an alien appears. Her arms are long and spindly and she has three stalks of broccoli where her eyes should be.
Mxtahfpynd?
I don’t understand what you’re saying.
She affixes a universal translator to something that looks like a mouth but is in her belly.
We’ll be with you in a moment.
I watch as the aliens pass through the aircraft, disemboweling the passengers and taking their ears as souvenirs. I crawl on the floor under their long legs and make it to an emergency exit. Pulling hard on the door, I’m suddenly outside in the freezing air and falling faster than I’ve ever fallen before. As the ground rushes towards me a sleigh appears and I fall in the back, losing consciousness for a moment and, when I come to, finding myself in the arms of an extraordinarily beautiful woman.
I’m Santa.
I always knew the story about the fat man was a lie.
Thanks for the lift.
She deposits me in front of an aquarium and I walk in past the ticket-taker yelling at me and head for the dolphin exhibit. One shoots in the air, does a flip and lands with a splash.
Glad you could make it.
I’m looking for my Mom.
She was here earlier. Just wait.
A voice comes from across the concrete pavilion. Tom. Tom. Tom.
Please Mom. Not so loud.
Oh my God, what happened?
Let’s just get out of here Mom.
Not until you talk to the President first. Something about saving democracy.
I take a slug of spring water….

The Brain Curse

I stood in the darkness under the stanchions of the Key Bridge. The traffic rumbled over me; the Potomac lapping at my feet reminded me of this blonde dame I had met at Lucky’s the night before. What a mouth. There was a cold wind at my neck and then I saw him, just a shadow, coming towards me.

“I need some information,” he said. As he got closer, I could see he still dressed well. Suit. Tie. Hair blown dry.

“Why me?” I asked.

“I figure I can trust you.” He paused and I waited, making him sweat. “It’s hell over there,” he said, a quaver in his voice, “You can’t believe it.  No one says anything.  We walk around eyes ahead, ignoring everyone else. No reading, no writing, no talking. Ends up you have no idea what’s going on.”

I said: “Yeah, so what else is new, Senator?”

He said: “It’s all new. Back when I was first elected all we had was information.  People on the phone, email, meetings in the cloakroom.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, parties, everyone in your face, telling you what they want, pushing their opinions, asking for changes. Now, I don’t know what they think. Hell, I don’t know what I think.”

I pulled out a stick of gum, carefully unwrapped it, stuck it in my mouth, and chewed. “So what do you need to know?”

“It’s the budget bill. There’s a provision in there…” he reached into his pocket, fumbled around and pulled out a piece of paper, squinting at it. “Section 2(g). Looks like it’s money for some day care centers, but I’m not sure…”

“And?” I said.

“I need to know how to vote.  Is this a good thing or bad? What should I do?”

“And you want me to tell you?” I asked.

“Yes, yes.” He was almost shouting. “That’s what you used to do, isn’t it? You were so good at it.  Always knew the arguments, helped me work my way through.” He paused and calmed down a bit.  “Please, tell me. Should I vote for it or against?”

I looked straight at him. “Sucker,” I said and gave a cough into the mike on my lapel.

Lights flashed on from overhead and there was the roar of machinery as a helicopter descended and cars screeched on the pavement. He backed away. “Oh my God!” he said. “It’s the Senate Ethics Committee.” He looked at me in a fury. “You sold me out!” he screamed. “Why?  Why?”

“Why?” I asked back, an edge to my voice.  “Because it was you who voted for the Federal Anti-Communication Act last year. You who voted for the Congressional Lobby-Free bill the year before. You who voted for the Abramoff Reforms in 2006. And all the while bragging about it, all the while trashing lobbyists, advocates, public policy professionals, hell, anyone who had an opinion -- me included.” I took a couple of chews on my gum. “Well, now it’s payback time, Senator.”

“No!” he wailed as they dragged him away. The lights went out, the cars left and I was alone in the silence. I stood still, the waves lapping at my feet. They reminded me again of the blonde.  Maybe I’d look her up.  I could use a good conversation.

Emily Litella Rejoins Red Sox

The Resurrection of Theo

From the Book of Papi, Chapter 20--

And so it passed in the mid-winter that some fans came early to the Park, after trading season, and saw the talent had been taken away from the team. So they ran and went to John Henry and the other partner for whom Theo had worked, and said to them, “They have taken the championship players out of the Park and we do not know who can fix it.”

So John Henry and the other partner went forth, and they went to the Park. The two were running together; and the other partner ran ahead faster than John and came to the administrative offices first. Stooping and looking in, he saw the resignation letter lying in tatters there; but he did not go in. And so John also came, following him, and entered the offices; and he saw the resignation letter lying there, and the ape costume which had been upon his head, not lying with the resignation letter but rolled up in a place by itself. So the other partner also entered, and he saw and believed that Theo might return.

But fans were standing outside the Park weeping; and so, as they wept, they stooped and looked through the metal gates into the Park, and they saw two co-GMs sitting, one at the head and one at the foot of the table in the Big Concourse where Theo had usually met. And the co-GMs said to the fans, “Rabid ones, why are you weeping?” The fans said to them, “Because Theo has abandoned us and no one else seems to know want they are doing.” When they had said this, they turned around and saw Theo standing there by the Ted Williams statue and yet did not know that it was Theo.

Theo said to them, “Rabid fans, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” Supposing Theo to be the janitor, they said to him, “Sir, if you know where our championship team leader is, tell us, and we will beg him to return.” Theo said to them, "Nation!" They turned and said to Him in Baseball-speak, “General manager!” (which means, “Savior!”). Theo said to them, “Stop pining for me, although I have not yet agreed to the exact terms of my employment with the Owners; but go to the fan-base and say to them, ‘I will talk to John Henry and the other limited partners and then ascend to the throne of Baseball Operations.’” The fans went forth, announcing to the Nation, “We have seen the return of Theo,” and that he had said these things to them.

Song for a Dominatrix

News item: Dominatrix Barbara Asher went on trial today for manslaughter for the July 3, 2000, death of 53-year-old Michael Lord. Prosecutors allege that Asher, a professional dominatrix known as Mistress Lauren M, chopped up Lord after he died during a kinky bondage session in Asher’s Quincy condo.

Try to remember it’s bad to dismember,
When heartbeat slows and they turn yellow.
Try to remember it’s bad to dismember,
When loud they scream and then to bellow.
Try to remember it’s bad to dismember,
When you snap your bullwhip and it's a deathblow.
Don’t you dismember, but if you dismember,
Then run-o.

(Run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o,
run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o.)

Try to remember that cops aren’t that tender,
They’ll find the blood upon your pillow.
Try to remember to phone your defender,
Before you chop them into jello.
Try to remember that for the male gender,
That leather and chains will scare from the get-go.
Don’t you dismember, but if you dismember,
Then run-o.

(Run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o,
run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o.)

Now a jail member you wish you'd remembered,
For many years you know will follow.
Now a jail member you wish you'd remembered,
They're not okay if they can't swallow.
Now a jail member you wish you'd remembered,
It's bad to dismember if they're known fellows.
Now a jail member you wish you'd remembered,
To run-o.

(Run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o,
run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o, run-o.) 

Evidence of King’s Frailties Mounts

New evidence of Martin Luther King Jr.’s all-too-human frailties has raised more doubts about his character and work.

In one incident, staff working with the civil rights leader described how after a meal in a Selma, Alabama restaurant on December 6, 1964, King developed a severe bout of hiccups.  “We were on the floor laughing,” said one of those who was there.  “No matter what he tried to do -- drink water, hold his breath -- he just couldn’t stop hiccupping.” The incident left many questioning King’s leadership, the source said. “That’s just not the kind of behavior you expect from a saint.”

In another case, the civil rights leader got angry at having to wake and change the diapers of one their infant children the night of June 3, 1961. “The baby started crying, Coretta woke up her husband, and apparently he started to complain,” said a family friend close to King’s wife. “‘Oh, it’s not my turn, I changed her last time,’ he kept saying.” King eventually did change the baby, the family friend acknowledged. “But still, it’s surprising, him with his own holiday and all,” she said.

These incidents are only part of an increasing volume of reports of King engaging in all sorts of activities at odds with his stature, from belching and burping after swallowing his food too quickly to acting grumpy until he had drunk his morning coffee and even to singing off-key in the shower. “Here you have a guy claiming he’s seen the Promised Land and he doesn’t even know how properly to chew his food,” said a former FBI agent who was part of a team tapping King’s telephone calls. “It really goes to show you that Hoover was right all along.”

King Holiday To Be Moved

In order to provide consumers with a better shopping experience,  Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday will be moved next year to the second Monday in April.

Since its inception in 1986, the holiday has proved problematic to retailers, who point out that it follows close on the heels of Christmas and  less than a month before President’s Day. “Except for the King holiday,” said a spokeswoman for the National Association of Retailers, “The ten federal holidays are spaced pretty evenly around the year, providing consumers with an opportunity to experience large ‘blow-out’ sales from a wide variety of retailers. The King holiday, however, has been a marked failure. People have no idea what they’re supposed to do. Shop for cars?  Buy new clothes? Instead, they mostly stay at home, thinking about racial justice and doing little to boost the economy.”

Economists have long noted that there is a large gap between the February 20 President’s Day and the next federal holiday, Memorial Day in late May.  Lobbyists for the association proposed moving the King Holiday to April to fill in the gap and federal lawmakers at an industry-sponsored retreat in Hawaii leapt at the opportunity.

Retailers are still unsure about which class of goods should be sold on the new April holiday, however.  “President’s Day has always been associated with cars,” said the spokeswoman for NAR. “So that’s out.  We’re thinking maybe computers.”