Tom Keane

Officials Set End to “Happy New Year”

The National Institute of Standards and Technology has announced that January 15 will be the last day people this year are permitted to wish each other “Happy New Year.”

The traditional New Year’s greeting, typically uttered instead of “Hello” or “Good day” as people pass by one another, is popular and appropriate for the first few days following a new year, officials explained.  But as the weeks wear on, people become increasingly uncomfortable with the greeting, unsure whether they should say it, how they should respond, or when they should revert back to the greetings generally used for the rest of the year. In some especially tragic cases, officials said, people have used the greeting well into summer. It was circumstances such as these that prompted federal action.

“As we all know, regulation is important for maintaining an orderly society,” said the director of NIST at a news conference.  “With today’s announcement, we are taking steps to avoid confusion and ensure a measured return to more common forms of greeting.”

The 15th is not always the cutoff date for the greeting.  In some years, the federal agency has permitted the New Year’s greeting until the end of January; in others, it has prohibited it after only five days.  “We like to see how the year is going,” said the NIST director. “Sometimes the year just seems to stay fresh, other times it’s off to a bad start and feels old in almost no time at all.  2006 isn’t one of the worst we’ve had, but it’s fair to say that the bloom is already off the rose.”

NIST, the federal agency responsible for setting and maintaining standards, has in years past stepped in on other difficult issues of measurement.  Three years ago, for example, it decreed that babies’ ages could be measured by months up to 23, after which children had to be measured by years.  That decision was followed in turn by standards relating to the height children needed to reach before they could be described as “tall” rather than “long.” Both regulations proved a godsend to parents who, for example, had been describing their teenagers as “206-and-a-half months and 72 inches long.” The correct description, NIST decreed, was “17 years and six feet tall.”

Schumer Questions Alito

Exchange between Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-NY) and Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr. at this week's confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Schumer: Judge Alito, in 1969, you wrote in a letter -- and these are your words -- that you “loved your mother.” Now let me ask you: Do they accurately reflect your view today? Do you stand by that statement? Do you disavow it? Do you embrace it? It's OK if you distance yourself from it, and it's fine if you embrace it. We just want to know your view.

Alito: Senator, it was an accurate statement of my views at the time. That was in 1969. And I made it from my vantage point as a son still dependent upon his parents for occasional spending money. If the issue were to come before today, the first question that would have to be addressed is the question of stare decisis. Having expressed love for my mother before, that precedent should have great weight in deciding the matter today.

Schumer: But, sir, I am not asking you about stare decisis. I'm asking you about your mother. As far as I know, she’s the same mother now as she was back in 1969 or indeed in 1950 at your birth. You stated proudly, unequivocally, without exception, that you loved your mother back then. Do you believe that now?

Alito: The answer to the question is that I would address that issue in accordance with the filial process of affection and respect as I understand it and as I have practiced it. That's the only way I can answer that question.

Schumer: Sir, I'm not asking for the process. Obviously, you'd use a filial mindframe. You've been a son for 56 years. I'm asking you -- you stated that you loved your mother. You didn't say you loved your mother just for a particular timeframe or just because she provided you with food or money or let you use the family car. It was a statement you made directly. You made it proudly. You still believe it?

Alito: And, Senator, I would make up my mind on that question if I got to it, if I got past the issue of stare decisis after going through the whole filial process that I have described. I would need to know the precise circumstances before me, and I would have to consider the arguments, and they might be different arguments from the arguments that were available in 1969....

Circus at City Hall Prompts Pun Fears

Yesterday’s announcement that New York’s Big Apple Circus will perform this summer on City Hall Plaza prompted immediate worries of a season of bad puns.

Today’s Boston Herald, for example, called the upcoming performances the first “unelected circus” at the site. City councilors and the mayor were already bracing for comparisons to “honked-off” “clowns” and political “contortionists” who “juggle” legislation and “talk out of the sides of their mouths” like ventriloquist Willer Nicolodi. The politicians also said they were prepared for descriptions of the weekly Council meetings as “three-ring circuses” and for Mayor Menino to be called the city’s “ringleader.”

On the other hand, some said they had hope that the puns might be favorable, describing them perhaps as men and women of “high wire” daring who practiced “big tent” politics. “And I certainly wouldn’t mind being called ‘ringleader,’” said council president and mayoral aspirant Michael Flaherty.

Nevertheless, outside observers warned that the presence of the circus could degrade the level of public discourse to unacceptably low levels.  “Remember the Democratic National Convention?” asked one, “When everything became ‘conventional thinking’ or, even worse because everyone who used it thought it was original, ‘unconventional thinking?’ There’s a real concern that will happen this time around as well.” Indeed, some are already predicting a spate of headlines such as “Quit Clowning Around,” “Can You (Big) Top This?” or “Pony Up” to describe mundane processes such as debating legislation, passing a budget, or collecting taxes. “By the time this is over,” warned one, “We’ll hate the circus as much as we learned to hate the DNC.”

Captain’s Log

Chekov: Captain, we are approaching star Tau Ceti.

Spock: Correction, Ensign. That star is properly named Forever Tom.

Kirk: Since when, Spock?  That’s been Tau Ceti ever since my days at Starfleet Academy.

Spock: We’ve just received updated maps from Starfleet Command, Captain.  An Earth woman, Nicole Kidman, apparently named that star for her then-husband sometime between Stardate -344000 to -313000.

Kirk: That would be about 1979 to 2010 according to the calendar old Earth used before the Eugenics Wars.

Spock: Correct, Captain. It appears that the star was named as part of a program run by the International Star Registry.

Kirk: The ISR? That’s the predecessor to the Federation! It was founded by Rocky Mosele, one of my heroes back at the Academy.

Chekov: I know of him, Captain.  He was a Russian.

Spock: Incorrect, Ensign. Mosele was an American who persuaded tens of thousands of people to name stars as gifts for various loved ones, especially during traditional holiday periods such as Christmas and Valentine’s Day. The interest he sparked in the stars led directly to the development of the warp drive, phaser, and extremely short skirts on female starship crew.

Kirk: Why haven’t we heard of these names before, Spock?

Spock: The naming records were kept in a vault in the Earth city of Geneva and only recently were uncovered by Starfleet Command.  Of course, given the importance of the ISR in galactic history, Starfleet has ruled that all stars named as part of the ISR’s efforts must now be called by their correct names.

Sulu: Captain! Klingon warship dead ahead.

Spock:  Actually, Captain, that would be a Princess Diana warship.  Admirers of a member of the royalty of the old Earth nation of Britain named the Klingon star after her.

Kirk: Of course, Spock. I remember her.  She was assassinated by the Ricardo Montalban conspiracy that led directly to the Eugenics Wars!

Sulu: Captain! The Princess Diana warship has just been joined up with a Romulan cruiser!

Spock: That would be a Friends and Family of Edward ‘Eddie’ Smith cruiser, Mr. Sulu.

Kirk: Get us out of here, Sulu! Warp 6 to the Aldeban system!

Spock: The Bill and Susanna McCarthy system, Captain.

Kirk: Thanks, Spock. We’re lucky to have your Vulcan mind for precision.

Spock: You mean my Kristen Lombardy mind, Sir…

Menino Asks Residents Not to Commit Crimes

After taking the oath of office for a fourth term yesterday, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino delivered an inaugural speech in which he boldly asked residents to stop committing crimes.

“'Personal responsibility must be our mantra,” Menino declared in his speech, as he told city-dwellers that they should stop shooting each other and also should tell on those who do. Menino supporters said the new plan shows that, despite being in office for more than 12 years, the Mayor is still capable of creative and daring thinking.

The city has been plagued by a rash of high profile crimes, with the murder rate for 2005 at a ten-year high. Criminologists called Menino’s new strategy unprecedented.  “We’ve traditionally tackled rising crime by trying to beef up police forces, convict more criminals and put offenders in jail longer,” said one. “Menino has broken new ground here.”

In a poll taken immediately after the Mayor’s speech, over 95 percent of residents agreed to comply with the Mayor's request not to commit serious crimes. “We’re happy to do whatever the Mayor wants,” said one. Another, who identified himself as a local gang leader, vowed immediately to stop killing rival gang members. “If the Mayor doesn’t want me to shoot anyone, then I won’t,” he said, promising also to turn in fellow gang members who don’t heed the Mayor’s request. “All he had to do was ask,” the gang leader said. “What surprises me is that no one asked us to stop committing crimes before.”

Chagrined city councilors, who have been pushing a solution to crime that would have required hiring up to 350 new police officers, immediately took their proposal off the table. “We liked our plan, even though the new cops would have cost the city more than $3 million annually,” said one councilor. “Now Menino comes along and says he’ll accomplish the same result just by asking. It’s stuff like this that shows why he’s running the city while we’re just stuck in meaningless debates over who gets the biggest office.”