Cheney Fails to Find Humor in Mishap

Vice President Dick Cheney said today he saw no humor in his recent hunting mishap in Texas, where he seriously wounded lawyer Harry Whittington.

“Some reporter says to me, ‘So now we know why you were able to avoid the draft -- you couldn’t shoot straight,’” the vice president said. “I had to explain that my deferrals all related to my years in college and that the Army had never given me a shooting test. Hmmm.  I would have thought he would have known that.”

Cheney said he had watched most of the late-night shows for the last few days and found them disappointing. “Usually I enjoy those boys. But of late their opening monologues have taken a more serious and very error-filled turn.”

“For example,” he continued, “David Letterman said one night, ‘We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.’ But really, one doesn’t relate to the other. I pretty much knew where Harry was, but we simply can’t find Osama anywhere. Meanwhile, Jay Leno starts talking about a new Dick Cheney cologne, and then says, ‘It’s called Duck!’ Wrong again.  We were shooting quail. Duck hunting is something else altogether. Then this fellow Jimmy Kimmel said that the accident was ‘part of the President’s new Social Security plan -- once you hit 78, kablamo.’ I even checked that one and there’s not a word in our proposed legislation about different treatment for those who turn age 78.”

“Hey,” the vice president said, “I like a good laugh as much as the next guy.  And I certainly understand that humor can sometimes show us larger truths about ourselves and the world in which we live.  But not here.  This was just a hunting accident.  It tells you nothing about foreign policy, military affairs, domestic spending, the proper role of attorneys in society or anything of the sort.”

“You want an example of an incident that does tell you something?” he asked. “Remember Jimmy Carter and the rabbit?  Now that was funny.”