Blonde, thin, and rich, Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey announced yesterday she intended to run for Governor. State Democrats immediately questioned her qualifications, saying a woman of her hair color was not fit for the corner office.
“Why aren’t blondes good governors?” asked a Democratic Party spokesman. “Because they keep trying to pay bills instead of sign them.”
“Just think,” the spokesman continued, “Someone questions
her, ‘What’s the capital of Massachusetts?’ She says. ‘That’s easy: M.’
Someone else tells her she’s a shoo-in. ‘High heels or flat?’ she asks. And someone else tells her he’s supporting her gubernatorial run. ‘But
I’m not running for gubernor,’ she says. ”
“And did you hear about her
energy policy? Solar flashlights for
everyone. Her solution to global warming? Buy everyone an air
conditioner. She said she plans to reach out to vets in her campaign
because she loves animals. Highest paid job in the administration?
Hairdresser-in-chief. And we heard she wants high schools in the
state to buy new textbooks: Cosmopolitan.”
A large group of Democratic Party members gathered at a press conference was equally critical. “I hear she used to be a Socialist because she liked parties,” said one.
“And then there's this story. Apparently Kerry Healey last month got a long ‘yes-no’ questionnaire from an interest group. She didn’t know any of the answers so she took out a coin and started tossing it, heads for yes, tails for no. She finished quickly. A campaign staffer came in and saw she was still flipping the coin. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked. ‘I’m rechecking my answers,’ she said.”
“That’s nothing,” said another. “A week ago, trying to prove she’s a woman of the people, blonde candidate Healey decided to take an MBTA bus to the State House. She called up an aide. ‘What do I do?’ she asked. ‘Take the number 54 bus,’ he said. Three hours later, he called back. ‘Where are you?’ ‘Still here,’ she said. ‘But it won’t be long. The 45th bus just went by.’”
A written statement from the State Democratic Party noted that both of its gubernatorial candidates are “proud” brunettes. “Deval Patrick has a good head of dark brown hair. And Thomas Reilly’s is gray. It used to be a brown -- a light brown, to be sure, but definitely not blonde.”
“Suppose Healey wins,” a Democratic Party official asked reporters. “First day of work, she’s driving in, sees a sign that says, ‘Statehouse Left’ and goes back home. Later she’s at a signing ceremony for some piece of legislation and where it says, ‘Sign Here,’ she writes, ‘Taurus.’ I can just hear her now: ‘I can’t balance the budget. It’s keeps falling off the edge of my desk.’ Or she calls up the office of the attorney general and says, ‘Actually, I’m looking for one attorney in particular.’”
“And how about her first State of the State speech?” he continued. “She spends the day wandering around, grabbing at the air with her hands. What’s she doing? Trying to collect her thoughts. They say she puts a can of orange juice on the podium. It reminds her to concentrate. I sure hope she doesn’t speak her mind. Then she’d be speechless.”
Upon hearing of the Democrats' press conference, a Healey campaign spokeswoman rolled her eyes. “Why do Democrats like blonde governor jokes?” she asked reporters. “Because they can understand them.”