Tom Keane

Interview with Hitler’s Ghost

Question:  You’re usually a reclusive shade.  What’s up?

Hitler’s Ghost:  It warms my heart what’s been going on in the United States over the last week and I just wanted to pay my respects.

Question: And that would be…?

Hitler’s Ghost: This fuss about an Arab company taking over management of some US ports.

Question:  Well, surely you understand it’s a legitimate concern. After all, we’re worried about terrorism.

Hitler’s Ghost:  Of course I understand -- and approve. We did the same back in my time.  Seize on a little fact and then start making connections.  Radical Muslims attacked the United States. Muslims live in the Mideast, the United Arab Emirates, home of Dubai Ports World, is in the Mideast, and so therefore, the US shouldn’t do business with them, or any Arab country, or really, when you think about it, any Arabs. Ah, I love it.

Question:  That’s ridiculous.  Members of Congress are just concerned. They just want heightened scrutiny.

Hitler’s Ghost:  Of course they do.  And it’s great to see the way Democrats and Republicans are coming together over this issue.  People unite when faced with a common enemy. It works well, believe me -- find a scapegoat and the people will follow.

Question:  Surely, you can’t be comparing this to what you did with the Jews.  The United States would never do anything like that.

Hitler’s Ghost:  Oh no.  Just like you never rounded up Japanese during World War II and put them in concentration camps.  Believe me, that was a delicious piece of hypocrisy. Let’s see. Today you’re banning Mideast businesses.  I wonder how long it will be before you start making the Muslims in Detroit wear identity badges?

Question: There is a far distance between that and simply making sure the right people are managing our ports.

Hitler’s Ghost:  Actually, the distance is shorter than you think.  Keep up the good work. I’ll be watching.

Foy, O’Malley and Summers Announce Job Switches

Massachusetts Chief of Commonwealth Development Doug Foy, Archbishop Sean O’Malley, and Harvard University President Larry Summers announced today that the three of them were all switching jobs with each other.

Foy, who Tuesday resigned his position, will become President of Harvard, while Summers, who also quit his post on Tuesday, will become Archbishop of Boston. O’Malley, who Wednesday was named Cardinal-elect, said he would simultaneously be assuming Foy’s duties in state government.

Although Foy has never run an institution as large as Harvard, it was thought that his strong environmental credentials would appeal to a largely left-wing, anti-capitalist faculty that never felt comfortable with a man whose signature appeared on the dollar bill.  Meanwhile, Summers’s secretive and brusque management style was expected to be a good fit with the culture of the Archdiocese, which rarely seeks outside opinion when making decisions. And it appears O’Malley’s religious background should serve him well within an administration that does not allow its senior officials much lattitude “Clearly, his ability to call down God’s wrath will help him get his way at Cabinet meetings,” said one political analyst.

The job switches pose some challenges, especially for Summers, who will have to convert to Catholicism. Still, employment counselors called the moves smart. “Here you have a number of high-profile men who suddenly found themselves ‘pursuing other opportunities,’” said one head-hunter. “Turns out, those ‘other opportunities’ were each other’s careers.”

Gillette Introduces Uno, a New Shaving Breakthrough

Terming it a “revolutionary advance in shaving technology,” the Gillette Corporation today unveiled the Uno™ and the Uno Buzz™, two new wet shaving systems for men featuring advanced blade technology.

“Unlike other shaving systems, which rely on progressively more and more blades to deliver a close shave,” explained the Company’s head of product development, “The Uno™ uses a single, extremely sharp blade, precisely positioned on the head of the shaver.  As the user drags the shaver across his face, the unique Uno™ blade slices into the hair, delivering an exceptionally efficient and close shave.” Similar to the Uno™, the Uno Buzz™ has incorporated within it a battery and a small loudspeaker that emits a patented “bzzzzz™” when turned on by the user. “The buzzing noise enhances the shaving experience, creating an unparalleled level of shaving excitement,” said a Company spokeswoman.

Gillette cited several advantages to Uno’s™ unique single-blade technology.  The single blade is far easier to clean than are shavers with multiple blades, it is less likely to clog with stubble, and it can be more precisely positioned on the face for accurate trimming.

Gillette’s announcement caught competitors by surprise, particularly the Schick Corporation, which had been hoping to one-up Gillette’s previous shaving breakthrough – the Fusion – with a seven-bladed razor it planned to call the Septum. A Schick spokesman promised the Company would soon bring to market its own single-bladed shaver to compete with the Uno™, but Gillette scoffed at the claim. “The Uno’s™ unique technology is protected by a welter of patents and trade secrets.  Duplicating the single-blade technology will simply not be possible,” said one Company attorney.

Gillette said that the Uno™ shavers themselves will be priced at 99 cents, while the blades will retail for $15.00 each.  “It may seem expensive,” said the spokeswoman, “but that’s the price one has to pay for being the best a man can get.”

Lottery to Institute Veteran’s Preferences

The Massachusetts State Lottery announced today it will provide preferences to military veterans who play the state-sponsored games.

“Our veterans have given us so much,” said state treasurer Timothy P. Cahill, “Surely we own them back a better chance than most at realizing the American dream.”

Under the program, veterans would have a 20 percent greater chance of winning any of the Lottery’s numerous games, including scratch tickets, Keno, and larger jackpot games such as MegaMillions. Cahill said the plan was a logical extension of current programs that provide veterans with preferences in hiring and promotion.  “Those programs are basically saying that we should do everything we can to make sure our vets have an opportunity to work hard and have a decent living. With the new Lottery preferences, we’re saying that vets also should have the chance to not work hard and have a spectacular living.”

While applauding Cahill’s efforts, a representative of the NAACP said that the program should also be extended to blacks. “African-Americans have traditionally been under-represented as winners of lotteries in America,” the spokesman said. “To rectify this, it’s important that they also be accorded preferences to make up for past winnings discrimination.” A spokeswoman for the National Organization for Women said that the same logic should apply to women. 

Cahill said he agreed with both organizations and said his office would begin making plans to extend the preferences to women, African-Americans, Latin-Americans, Asian-Americans, Native-Americans and other minority groups. An analysis prepared by an outside consultant predicted that after the new preferences were implemented, non-veteran white males betting on the games would have no chance of winning.  “However, we still expect them to play,” Cahill said.  “After all, they owe it to everybody else.”

Cheney Fails to Find Humor in Mishap

Vice President Dick Cheney said today he saw no humor in his recent hunting mishap in Texas, where he seriously wounded lawyer Harry Whittington.

“Some reporter says to me, ‘So now we know why you were able to avoid the draft -- you couldn’t shoot straight,’” the vice president said. “I had to explain that my deferrals all related to my years in college and that the Army had never given me a shooting test. Hmmm.  I would have thought he would have known that.”

Cheney said he had watched most of the late-night shows for the last few days and found them disappointing. “Usually I enjoy those boys. But of late their opening monologues have taken a more serious and very error-filled turn.”

“For example,” he continued, “David Letterman said one night, ‘We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.’ But really, one doesn’t relate to the other. I pretty much knew where Harry was, but we simply can’t find Osama anywhere. Meanwhile, Jay Leno starts talking about a new Dick Cheney cologne, and then says, ‘It’s called Duck!’ Wrong again.  We were shooting quail. Duck hunting is something else altogether. Then this fellow Jimmy Kimmel said that the accident was ‘part of the President’s new Social Security plan -- once you hit 78, kablamo.’ I even checked that one and there’s not a word in our proposed legislation about different treatment for those who turn age 78.”

“Hey,” the vice president said, “I like a good laugh as much as the next guy.  And I certainly understand that humor can sometimes show us larger truths about ourselves and the world in which we live.  But not here.  This was just a hunting accident.  It tells you nothing about foreign policy, military affairs, domestic spending, the proper role of attorneys in society or anything of the sort.”

“You want an example of an incident that does tell you something?” he asked. “Remember Jimmy Carter and the rabbit?  Now that was funny.”

Dull, gray, white males seek new gubernatorial candidate

Worried about the electoral prospects of gubernatorial candidate Thomas Reilly, state Democrats are reaching out to businessman Christopher Gabrieli as their new dull, gray, white, male standard-bearer.

Reilly, the Commonwealth’s attorney general, has seen his campaign falter in recent weeks after a series of political missteps. With Deval Patrick, a young African-American, in the Democratic primary and Kerry Healey, a woman, the likely Republican nominee, many dull, gray, white, male Party regulars began to think they needed a new champion for their interests. Gabrieli, who at one point was to become Reilly’s running mate until worries surfaced that the two might be indistinguishable, seemed a logical alternative. “Chris would be a perfect replacement for Tom Reilly,” said one dull, gray, white, male Party regular. “We suspect many voters wouldn’t even be aware of the substitution.”

Indeed, Gabrieli appears to have all of the qualifications that originally made Reilly’s candidacy so appealing.  Both are white males with gray hair. Each cultivates an image of studied seriousness and sobriety. Neither man is particularly photogenic or dynamic; the politics of both are centrist and designed to appeal to suburban voters. Each has identified specific issues that appear to break ranks with special interests while at the same time maintaining a general political posture that is reassuring to the Party establishment. As attorney general, Reilly has strong statewide name recognition and has managed to raise a campaign war chest of close to $4 million. But as a former nominee for lieutenant governor, Gabrieli too is well known and his personal wealth assures that his campaign would be at least as well funded as Reilly's.

"We’re excited about Chris’s candidacy,” said another dull, gray, white, male Party regular.  “Well, not actually excited, of course, but you know what I mean.”

Democrats Question Blonde’s Run for Governor

Blonde, thin, and rich, Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey announced yesterday she intended to run for Governor. State Democrats immediately questioned her qualifications, saying a woman of her hair color was not fit for the corner office.

“Why aren’t blondes good governors?” asked a Democratic Party spokesman.  “Because they keep trying to pay bills instead of sign them.”

“Just think,” the spokesman continued, “Someone questions her, ‘What’s the capital of Massachusetts?’ She says. ‘That’s easy: M.’ Someone else tells her she’s a shoo-in. ‘High heels or flat?’ she asks. And someone else tells her he’s supporting her gubernatorial run. ‘But I’m not running for gubernor,’ she says. ”

“And did you hear about her energy policy? Solar flashlights for everyone. Her solution to global warming? Buy everyone an air conditioner. She said she plans to reach out to vets in her campaign because she loves animals. Highest paid job in the administration? Hairdresser-in-chief. And we heard she wants high schools in the state to buy new textbooks: Cosmopolitan.”

A large group of Democratic Party members gathered at a press conference was equally critical. “I hear she used to be a Socialist because she liked parties,” said one. “And then there's this story. Apparently Kerry Healey last month got a long ‘yes-no’ questionnaire from an interest group.  She didn’t know any of the answers so she took out a coin and started tossing it, heads for yes, tails for no.  She finished quickly.  A campaign staffer came in and saw she was still flipping the coin.  ‘What are you doing?’ he asked. ‘I’m rechecking my answers,’ she said.”

“That’s nothing,” said another. “A week ago, trying to prove she’s a woman of the people, blonde candidate Healey decided to take an MBTA bus to the State House. She called up an aide. ‘What do I do?’ she asked.  ‘Take the number 54 bus,’ he said.  Three hours later, he called back. ‘Where are you?’ ‘Still here,’ she said. ‘But it won’t be long.  The 45th bus just went by.’”

A written statement from the State Democratic Party noted that both of its gubernatorial candidates are “proud” brunettes. “Deval Patrick has a good head of dark brown hair. And Thomas Reilly’s is gray.  It used to be a brown -- a light brown, to be sure, but definitely not blonde.”

“Suppose Healey wins,” a Democratic Party official asked reporters.  “First day of work, she’s driving in, sees a sign that says, ‘Statehouse Left’ and goes back home. Later she’s at a signing ceremony for some piece of legislation and where it says, ‘Sign Here,’ she writes, ‘Taurus.’ I can just hear her now: ‘I can’t balance the budget.  It’s keeps falling off the edge of my desk.’ Or she calls up the office of the attorney general and says, ‘Actually, I’m looking for one attorney in particular.’”

“And how about her first State of the State speech?” he continued. “She spends the day wandering around, grabbing at the air with her hands.  What’s she doing? Trying to collect her thoughts.  They say she puts a can of orange juice on the podium.  It reminds her to concentrate. I sure hope she doesn’t speak her mind.  Then she’d be speechless.”

Upon hearing of the Democrats' press conference, a Healey campaign spokeswoman rolled her eyes. “Why do Democrats like blonde governor jokes?” she asked reporters. “Because they can understand them.”

Christians Say They Are Sensitive Too

The National Council of Churches announced today that Christians too are easily offended by derogatory treatment from the media.

“Our members take great offense at any pictures or other portrayals of God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and any of the saints,” the Council said in a statement. “Our members also take great offense at any discussions of their religions that are in the least bit disparaging.” 

The United State Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a statement along similar lines, stressing that Catholics in particular took great insult at disapproving or critical treatment of Church hierarchy.

“The bar is low on this one,” said a spokesman for the Council. “Pretty much anything will make our members fly off the handle.”

"That goes double for anything relating to priests," added a spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops.  "Lawsuits, church closings, inappropriate behavior -- it's all off limits."

Media organizations around the country were quick to take notice and vowed to change their policies as a result. The Associated Press, which has refused to publish cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed because it won’t “distribute content that is known to be offensive,” said that in the future it would no longer publish any photos or drawings of Christian religious figures and would carefully vet all stories to make sure they are inoffensive to any members of one of the affected religions. The St. Louis Post Dispatch, which also refused to publish the cartoons “out of respect for possible sensitivities of some readers,” said it would follow suit, as did other major newspapers, radio stations and television networks.

The changes are bound to have profound effects on media treatment of religions.  At a minimum, work by artists such as Andres Serrano (“Piss Christ”), Renee Cox (“Yo Mama’s Last Supper”) or Chris Ofili ("Holy Virgin Mary") would no longer receive any coverage whatsoever.  In all likelihood, stories about religion or religion's influence on politics either would no longer be published or would be reworded to remove critical references. Even seemingly harmless work, such as the inevitable editorial cartoon showing some recently deceased society notable appearing at St. Peter’s Gates, would probably be banned under the new policies. Unknown would be the effect of the Christians’ sensitivities to portrayals of quasi-religious figures such as Santa Claus or angels. “At a minimum,” said the spokesman for the National Council of Churches, “We think the Los Angeles Angels need to find another name.”

The spokesman added the sensitivities were not new. “Christians have always taken umbrage at negative portrayals in the media,” he said. “It’s just that, up until now, we had no idea anyone cared.”

“We really didn’t know this stuff bothered them,” said a spokeswoman for the Associated Press. “Now that we do, of course, we’ll stop.  And while we’re at it:  Please, if there’s anyone else out there who’s upset by anything we’re doing, just let us know. We don’t want to offend.”

Republicans Burn Washington Post Offices Over Cartoon

Angered by a cartoon mocking President George W. Bush, a mob of unruly Republicans surrounded and set fire to the office building that houses The Washington Post.

The Republican crowd made for a striking sight, with men clad in suits and ties and women dressed in simple skirts with modest blouses and blazers. They had gathered in early morning at the Post’s main offices on 15th Street, NW, following publication of a cartoon that clearly belittled the President.  After receiving word that the cartoon had been reprinted in newspapers all over the country, the mob grew restive and, towards mid-day, ignited the building using kiln-dried fatwood kindling from Restoration Hardware and scented candles purchased from a nearby Crabtree & Evelyn.

“George Bush is a great man and this is simply another transparent effort by the liberal media to destroy our nation,” said one bejeweled GOP matron.  A man wearing a silk bow tie called for a boycott of all newspapers as well as the products -- trees, paper, ink, computers and trucks -- used to print and distribute them, a demand the assembled mob greeted with cheers and cries of "Huzzah!"

As Republicans from states as far away as California booked private jets into the nation's capital to join in the protest, political leaders appealed for calm.  “My friends, no one of course can countenance any insult directed at our politicians," said US Senator John Kerry, the Democratic nominee for president in 2004,  "Yet there is  a right way and a wrong way to express our displeasure. And I am certain that even though divided we as Americans can be united, whether poor or rich, soldier or general…” Meanwhile, as Kerry was speaking, cartoonists across the country were hastily backtracking, with many of them apologizing for past portraits of the nation's leader. "I promise never again be misled by the heathen lure of pen and ink," said one syndicated cartoonist.

Post publisher Caroline Little vowed after the fire that the paper would rebuild.  “But we’ve learned our lesson,” she said. “Politics, like religion, is something best left undiscussed.”

Many Say Jobs Not Their Strong Suit

In the wake of attorney general Tom Reilly’s admission that “politics is not my strong suit,” citizens across the country offered up that they too were incompetent in their chosen professions.

Reilly, the state’s top elected Democratic official and a candidate for Governor, had made the excuse after choosing a lieutenant governor candidate who less than a day later had to resign following revelations of unpaid taxes and federal school loans.

Others quickly said they faced similar problems. “War is not my strong suit,” said secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld at a press conference. “That’s why our presence in Iraq has been such a miserable failure.” Former Red Sox shortstop Edgar Renteria, who committed 30 errors during the 2005 season, issued a statement explaining that, “Fielding is not my strong suit.”  And former CEO of Enron Jeff Skilling’s attorneys offered up a glimpse of a new defense strategy, saying that, “Running a company was never Jeff’s strong suit.”

Other less prominent people also said they had the same flaws. Fred Johnson, a local plumber who managed to reverse hot and cold water lines in a 24-units condo development, explained that, “Plumbing was never my strong suit.” And florist Amanda Bishop, who sent out dozens of arrangements of brown and rotting flowers, explained that “Flowers were never my strong suit.”

Management consultant Priscilla Peate said that the admissions were not surprising. “Many Americans have no idea of how to do their jobs well,” she said. “And insisting that they be competent seems deeply unfair. What matters should not be how you perform, but rather the prestige and money attached to it.”

“Of course,” she added, “I might be wrong.  Management consulting was never my strong suit.”