State of the Union (abridged)

The 2006 State of the Union speech was 5,367 words.  Here it is at 10% its original length.

Thank you everyone.  Sorry to hear about Coretta.

Tonight the state of our Union is strong. You may disagree, but please be polite about it. Our big goal is to end tyranny and advance freedom. But radical Islam doesn’t like freedom. They like to kill, and especially they like to kill us. We love our freedom, and we will kill to keep it. No retreat, no surrender. That’s our motto. 

So we’re on the offensive against terror networks. We’re on the offensive in Afghanistan. We're on the offensive in Iraq. Let the world know clearly.  The United States will remain offensive.

But more than just killing, we’re spending money.  Building stuff in Iraq.  Training troops in Iraq. Desperately hoping we can leave soon. But not too soon.

Speaking of our troops.  Dan Clay -- good guy, killed last month.  Left behind a letter supporting me.  So there.

Freedom is spreading. Egypt, for example -- except they put the opposition in jail.  Palestine, for example -- except they voted for the wrong guys.  Iran, for example -- except they're building nukes. Don’t worry.  We’ll keep killing until they get freedom right.

We also care about HIV/AIDS, malaria, genocide, and slavery, by the way.  Unfortunately, we don’t have much money left for those, but we do have compassion. Lots of compassion. Hope that helps.

Meanwhile, there’s terrorism at home.  We are working hard to bring freedom elsewhere.  Let’s give up a little here. Please let me spy.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous. Sure, China and India are tough competitors, but protectionism isn’t the answer. And immigrants are good when they work cheaply. Here’s what we should do instead. Keep the tax cut.  Cut the deficit. Give me a line-item veto. Fix Social Security.

Last year I had a plan for Social Security. You didn’t like it.  This year, I have a new plan.  A commission to come up with a plan.

And now, having told you I oppose protectionism and like immigrants, it’s time to pander.  Buy American. Strengthen our borders.

Let’s fix healthcare, too, but only in bits.  Health savings accounts, tort reform, portable insurance.  You’ve heard it before, you’ve ignored it before, so let’s move on.

Although we’re in the Mideast killing because they need freedom, they wouldn’t need that freedom if we weren’t addicted to their oil, so here’s a cool idea: let’s use less.

Here are a few other ideas as well. More money for research. A research and development tax credit. Train new teachers.

A booming economy, smart kids, energy independence --  that’s all great but there’s a big new problem: we’re all immoral.  So stop sex.  Stop bribes. Stop cloning. Stay in school. Go to church.  And thank God Alito is on the bench. See ya, Sandy.

By the way, we’re spending $85 billion in New Orleans. That's a lot. We should also spend money on HIV/AIDS, but not that much, of course. Maybe that’s a topic best left to the faith-based groups.

In closing, allow me to wrap myself in the memories of Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. They were good guys.  So am I. Did I hear someone sneeze? God bless.