“And Many More” -- The Week of March 18-24 in Review

Bush administration officials this week celebrated the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq with cakes, party favors and a round of songs.  Among those attending were Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and the President himself.  As the cake was brought out, Bush led the group in singing, “Happy birthday to you,” concluding with the traditional refrain, “…and many more.” 

“And I can assure you,” Cheney told the gathered crowd, “There certainly will be ‘many more.’”

Meanwhile, a New Hampshire legislative committee voted unanimously that the state motto, “Live Free or Die,” must now appear on all highway signs welcoming tourists to the state.  After the vote, a small group of protesters rallying in support of the current slogan -- “You’re going to love it here” -- was promptly executed.

Also this week, Boston Archbishop Sean P. O’Malley traveled to Vatican City to be  elevated to Cardinal.  Bostonians pronounced themselves thrilled by the honor.  “In a way,” said a spokesman for SNAP -- the Survivors Network for Those Abused by Priests -- “This makes it all worthwhile.” Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney also flew to Rome for the ceremony, but denied his trip was a transparent effort to curry favor with Catholics.  “This is a fact-finding trip on behalf of the LDS,” Romney said. “We may be secretive and arcane, conducting weird rituals and wearing strange clothing, but we’ve got a lot to learn from the Catholics.  They’re still the best.” 

In business news, Tom’s of Maine, maker of natural toothpastes and other products, announced that it was being purchased by Colgate-Palmolive. Officials at Colgate said they were intrigued by Tom’s practice of not testing products on animals. “We may follow their practice and start testing all of our products only on human beings,” said a Colgate official.  “And why not?  People only seem to get upset when cute puppies or fuzzy bunnies are injured.  But some prisoner in a federal pen?  They couldn’t care less.”

And Microsoft announced this week that the release of its latest operating system, Windows Vista, would be delayed yet again, this time until early 2007.  Efforts to complete the new system had been undermined by constant hacker attacks that changed code and disrupted testing, company officials said.  However, they told analysts that they had corrected the problem and that the new release date was firm. “We’ve switched over to Linux,” said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.

In entertainment, rock band Aerosmith canceled the remainder of its American tour as frontman Steve Tyler was scheduled for throat surgery.  In addition to repairs on his vocal cords, doctors said they also planned to take in Tyler’s upper and lower lips by two or three inches.  “Maybe then fans will be able to understand what the guy is singing,” said the head of the medical team.

Finally, in sports, Patriot’s kicker Adam Vinatieri signed with archrival Indianapolis Colts, prompting a condolence call from President Bush.  “We’ve had our share of tough times,” Bush said, referring to the 2,315 US servicemen and women killed so far in Iraq.  “But I know that for New England, this is a real tragedy.”