Federal Agency Seeks to Eliminate “W”

Decrying “W” as an “unnecessary and foolish” letter, the Bureau of Alphabetization, part of the mammoth Department of Homeland Security, has published proposed regulations in the Federal Register that would seek to ban the letter from future use.

“‘W’ is an oddity,” pointed out a Bureau representative.  “Of all of the letters, it alone has more than one syllable. Moreover, if you really think about it, it should be ‘double-V’ not ‘double-U’.”

According to the Bureau, the “W” sound would remain an important part of the language, but would be handled by the letter “V.” “In fact, that’s the way it is in Latin,” said the representative. “In Latin, it’s ‘V’ that makes the familiar ‘wuh’ sound we now associate with ‘W’.”

The Bureau acknowledged that its proposed regulations meant the letter “V” would now serve double duty, making its original ‘vee’ sound as well as having to shoulder the burdens of the ‘wuh’ sound. However, it pointed out, other letters such as “C” face the same burden and have been able to manage well through the ages.

One potential upside to the reform, pointed out members of the Modern Language Association, which supports the new rule, is that it would provide grammarians with the opportunity to create a new letter with a new sound of its own. “There are many sounds, such as ‘tl,’ which is a dental stop with lateral release in the Bantu language Changana, that English might usefully adopt,” said a staff member of the MLS. “This would allow English to broaden itself into a world language that is not merely the product of the parochial thinking of dead white European men.”

Some members of the Bush administration oppose the rule and have accused the Bureau, which is staffed largely by holdovers from the Clinton administration, of engaging in “cheap political theater” aimed at banning the President’s well-known moniker.

“That’s not true at all,” said the Bureau representative. “As part of the Department of Homeland Security, uppermost in our minds is the safety and security of our great nation. If we fail to ban ‘W,” then the terrorists win.”