Tom Keane

The Week in Review

Under pressure to shake up his administration, which has seen a dramatic decline in support, President George W. Bush fired the only White House insider who had seemed able to bridge the divide between Democrats and Republicans. 

Andrew Card, chief of staff since Bush was first elected, had been seen as a moderate who consistently played the role of honest broker and refused to engage in harsh partisanship. Bush said Card’s departure should serve as a warning to his critics.  “Keep on harassing me, and I’ll get rid of Condi and put Rove in her place,” he warned.

On Capitol Hill, Congress began debating new restrictions on lobbying that would prohibit politicians from accepting any meals from lobbyists. Lobbyists said the changes would have little effect. “Luckily the bill says nothing about cash under the table,” said one.

Meanwhile, as the Senate Judiciary Committee debated changes to the nation's immigration policies, Latinos and other recent immigrants held massive demonstrations in cities around the country. Carrying children, waving flags, and bearing signs that professed their love for the country, the demonstrators represented, “Everything that’s wrong with the United States,” said Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO), the House’s most hard-line anti-immigrant voice.

In their own testimony before the Judiciary Committee, Native American groups urged Congress to adopt some of the toughest immigration restrictions yet.  Under their proposals, not only would all those from Latin America be sent back to their countries of origin, but so too would all those of European descent. “These people came here, took our land and our jobs, and destroyed our way of life,” said one witness before the Committee. “They never should have been here in the first place.”

Tancredo, the grandson of Italian immigrants, said the Native Americans’ arguments seemed logical and that he and his family soon would be moving back to Italy.

In international news, Americans were jubilant after the release of Christian Science Monitor journalist Jill Carroll. Upon hearing the news, Bush immediately responded by saying, “Thank God,” although he did not reveal whether his appreciation was directed at the Christian or the Moslem God. For her part, Carroll described three months of brutality that included being required to use the same bathroom and shower over and over again and having to eat all of the food and candy that her captors gave her. Now, she lamented to reporters, “I’m fat.”   Oprah Winfrey, a veteran of binge eating and dieting crises, said such treatment by Carroll’s captors was “sadistic.”

The country of Iran announced that it had successfully tested a new stealth missile that could evade US radar and anti-missile defense systems.  Defense Department officials scoffed at the claim. “Our superior technology allows us to find anything,” they said.  “Just look at our success in tracking down bin Laden.”

Closer to home, the Massachusetts State Lottery and the Boston Red Sox said they had teamed up to offer a new kind of instant scratch ticket emblazoned with the Red Sox logo and with prizes that included lifetime season’s tickets at Fenway.  Former Cincinnati Reds superstar Pete Rose said the move by the team represented a “long overdue step forward for major league baseball,” and announced that he would be moving to Massachusetts to "get into the action.”

Finally, in sad news, one-time Reagan Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger died this week at age 89.  He is expected to return to the public stage shortly, however, as a “friendly ghost.”

Polygamists Protest “Unrealistic” Depiction

An organization representing Utah polygamists decried the new HBO show “Big Love” as a “grossly unrealistic distortion” of their lives.

In the show, actor Bill Paxton plays Bill Henrickson, who is married to three women played by actresses Jeanne Tripplhorn, Chloë Sevigny, and Ginnifer Goodwin. “All three are exceptionally beautiful women,” said a spokesman for the group, Polygamists Associated. “It just doesn’t work out that way in the real world.  I mean, maybe one might be okay looking, but three hot women like this -- there’s no way.”

A representative from an anti-polygamy group, Monogamists Associated, said he was relieved to hear of the polygamists’ complaints. “We’ve been getting a lot of inquiries from our members about the show, with many wondering whether we might loosen up a bit.  I think Chloë Sevigny in particular got them all excited. Perhaps this latest news from the polygamists will calm them down.”

Naming Rights Cross New Hurdle

William Rossley and Melissa Finsterdom worked for months planning their wedding.  She bought dresses, designed invitations and decorations, made arrangements for services in an historic church, rented space in a downtown hotel, hired a band and a videographer, and engaged caterers.  He spent nights playing poker with friends.  Then the bills started to come in.

“It added up to more than $80,000,” recalls Melissa with William, now her husband, by her side. “We couldn’t afford that. Mom was a janitor and Dad a seamstress.  It had already wiped out their savings just sending me to finishing school. And sure, Bill’s family’s rich, but we didn’t think it right to ask the groom’s family to pay.”

“Absolutely not,” agrees William.  “That’s should be the responsibility of the parents of the bride.”

Then, coming home from Gillette Stadium one evening after a monster truck rally, they had a brainstorm. “Naming rights,” says Melissa.  “If the Krafts can do it, why not us?”

And after a few inquiries, the couple found what they were looking for. “It was a special moment,” says Bill, remembering the wedding day. “Everyone was seated and then the MC came to the mike and said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. William Texaco!’ You should have seen the look on their faces.”

Texaco paid almost half of the wedding cost.  “That plus the second mortgage my parents took out on their house covered everything,” says Melissa.  “Everything worked perfectly, although we did have to make some changes to the decorations.” Each table was adorned with a big red star and the wedding cake was shaped like an oil tanker.

“Plus, beer was poured out of a spigot that looked just like a gas pump,” Bill says.

The Texacos say they are pleased with the new family name and look forward to a large brood of little Texacos.  Indeed, Bill reveals, “The Mrs. already has one in the oven – or maybe that should be ‘in the tank.’”  The pregnancy is well along and the couple says it will be a boy.

“Still, babies are expensive,” says Melissa. “Diapers, formula and baby carriages really add up. But we’ve found a solution.  We’re going to be naming him ‘Walgreen.’”

“And Many More” -- The Week of March 18-24 in Review

Bush administration officials this week celebrated the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq with cakes, party favors and a round of songs.  Among those attending were Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and the President himself.  As the cake was brought out, Bush led the group in singing, “Happy birthday to you,” concluding with the traditional refrain, “…and many more.” 

“And I can assure you,” Cheney told the gathered crowd, “There certainly will be ‘many more.’”

Meanwhile, a New Hampshire legislative committee voted unanimously that the state motto, “Live Free or Die,” must now appear on all highway signs welcoming tourists to the state.  After the vote, a small group of protesters rallying in support of the current slogan -- “You’re going to love it here” -- was promptly executed.

Also this week, Boston Archbishop Sean P. O’Malley traveled to Vatican City to be  elevated to Cardinal.  Bostonians pronounced themselves thrilled by the honor.  “In a way,” said a spokesman for SNAP -- the Survivors Network for Those Abused by Priests -- “This makes it all worthwhile.” Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney also flew to Rome for the ceremony, but denied his trip was a transparent effort to curry favor with Catholics.  “This is a fact-finding trip on behalf of the LDS,” Romney said. “We may be secretive and arcane, conducting weird rituals and wearing strange clothing, but we’ve got a lot to learn from the Catholics.  They’re still the best.” 

In business news, Tom’s of Maine, maker of natural toothpastes and other products, announced that it was being purchased by Colgate-Palmolive. Officials at Colgate said they were intrigued by Tom’s practice of not testing products on animals. “We may follow their practice and start testing all of our products only on human beings,” said a Colgate official.  “And why not?  People only seem to get upset when cute puppies or fuzzy bunnies are injured.  But some prisoner in a federal pen?  They couldn’t care less.”

And Microsoft announced this week that the release of its latest operating system, Windows Vista, would be delayed yet again, this time until early 2007.  Efforts to complete the new system had been undermined by constant hacker attacks that changed code and disrupted testing, company officials said.  However, they told analysts that they had corrected the problem and that the new release date was firm. “We’ve switched over to Linux,” said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.

In entertainment, rock band Aerosmith canceled the remainder of its American tour as frontman Steve Tyler was scheduled for throat surgery.  In addition to repairs on his vocal cords, doctors said they also planned to take in Tyler’s upper and lower lips by two or three inches.  “Maybe then fans will be able to understand what the guy is singing,” said the head of the medical team.

Finally, in sports, Patriot’s kicker Adam Vinatieri signed with archrival Indianapolis Colts, prompting a condolence call from President Bush.  “We’ve had our share of tough times,” Bush said, referring to the 2,315 US servicemen and women killed so far in Iraq.  “But I know that for New England, this is a real tragedy.”

College Board Errors Raise Doubts About Meritocracy

The College Board, which administers the SAT Reasoning Test taken every year by millions of college-bound seniors, announced that a new investigation shows a pattern of scoring errors reaching back at least several decades. The findings come on the heels of embarrassing revelations that several hundred SAT answer sheets this year were miscoded, apparently because they were left in damp conditions.

The newest inquiry showed that over the last fifty years perhaps hundreds of thousands of students received scores well above those they actually achieved, the Board said.  Meanwhile, an almost equal number received results that were lower than they should have been. The average difference was 150 points, raising questions about the roles that merit and achievement play in American society.

“For many, 150 points means the difference between attending a great university instead of a community college,” said a spokesman for FairTest, a critic of standardized testing. “It means becoming a banker on Wall Street instead of a barista at Starbucks. It means landing the hot model who sat at one’s table at a fashion show instead of having to settle for Bill’s friend Julie who couldn’t get a date until you agreed at the last minute. Who knows how different we would be as a nation if these errors hadn’t occurred?”

A glimmering of an answer is beginning to emerge from more in-depth research now underway at the College Board.  Among those erroneously receiving higher scores than they deserved, the Board said, are at least 75 percent of the members of state legislatures, a majority of federal judges, and virtually every investment banker ever hired by Fidelity Investments.

“Meanwhile, it turns out that most cab drivers in major metropolitan cities received lower scores than they should have,” said the College Board in a press release. “In all likelihood, this explains why hackies always seem to know so much more than everyone else.”

Some have argued that the errors by the College Board may go to the highest reaches of the US Government, affecting even the President himself.  George W. Bush denied that was the case.  “SAT scores had nothing to do with my admission to Yale,” he told reporters.  “I’m proud to say it was all due to family connections.”

See Something, Say Something

MBTA employees spent Monday morning handing out flyers to commuters reminding them that Boston is a hotbed of terrorism -- and really has been since the Tea Party -- and that we need to keep our guard up.

“See something, say something” is the T's new slogan.  Anything unusual or suspicious should be cause for alarm.  In the past, we’d all be too embarrassed.  That ticking box tucked under the last row of the train, the one with “Danger: Dynamite” emblazoned on its side? We’d say nothing.  “Yeah, sure I saw it,” we’d tell the reporters swarming on the scene afterwards.  “But the driver seemed really busy explaining to customers that pennies weren’t accepted or showing them how to shove dollar bills down the tiny metal slot at the side of the token box. I really didn’t want to bother him.”

No, no, no, the T is telling us.  We want to be told.

“Hey,” I say to a bus driver.  “That man standing back there is acting very strangely.”

“How so?”

“Well, he just gave up his seat to a pregnant woman.”

“What’s the matter with that?”

“It’s suspicious.  People on buses give up their seats for nobody.  It’s part of the commuter code.  Keep your eyes down, ignore everyone around you.”

His eyes widen. “You’re right, Mr. Alert Commuter!” 

Moments later, the cops rush in. They grab the guy and take him down.  Turns out he has an explanation.  He’s from Los Angeles.  Didn’t understand the code.  Still, I’m not sure we want foreigners on our T anyway, so I feel pretty good about it.

And, I think, I will continue to keep my eyes open, continue to be alert.  On-time trains, drivers who announce upcoming stops in clear English, commuters who smile instead of scowl -- there’s probably no limit to the evil bag of tricks these terrorists have up their sleeves. Hey wait, there’s a woman over there talking politely to a complete stranger.

“Police! Police!”

Irish-Americans Mark Feast with Somber Contemplation

Irish-Americans across the country gathered in churches, meeting halls and private homes to commemorate the Feast of St. Patrick with a day of thoughtful introspection and reflection.

“Irish civilization has been a well-spring of arts, letters, and philosophy that has profoundly influenced world cultures,” said a representative of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. “On March 17 of every year, we pause from our busy lives to contemplate the wisdom of our forebears and ponder the on-going role that Irish-Americans play in the economic, political, and religious life of the United States.”

Many spend the day debating great works of Irish literature, reading poetry, and learning about the lives of prominent Irish men and women, the representative said. Others engage in a more personal level of self-assessment, meditating upon the course of their lives over the last year, atoning for their indiscretions and mulling the direction they should take over the next 365 days.

The Hibernian representative dismissed reports that many Irish-Americans spend the day inside bars, drinking green beer, loudly singing obnoxious songs, and downing a sulfurous mix of cabbage, potatoes, and corned beef. “I’ve heard those rumors too,” she said.  “They’re nothing more than vicious English lies.”

Bush Says He Now Understands What It’s Like To Be A Minority

With recent polls showing that less than one-third of Americans support him, President George W. Bush said he now empathizes with blacks, Latinos and other racial and ethnic minorities.

“It’s really tough,” said the President. “I realize that most of the people I run into these days just don’t like me.  And it got me thinking, heck, this is exactly what it’s like for minorities in America.”

Just two years ago, Bush received a majority of the popular vote against Democrat John Kerry.  “Now I’m a member of a minority group, being discriminated against by the majority,” Bush said, citing his falling approval ratings. His new status as a member of a minority group has wrought profound changes in his life, Bush said.  For example, when he goes to state dinners, he now congregates with other Republicans who still support him rather than wandering around the room shaking hands. “I’d always wondered at Yale why all the blacks sat together in the dining hall,” Bush said. “Now I understand.”

The newly empathetic President said he is even rethinking policies such as diversity training and affirmative action.  “People say the unkindest things to the minorities that support the President.  That’s just wrong,” Bush said. “We need a speech code to stop hateful stuff like that.  And while we’re at it, how about some hiring and promotion preferences for those who support the President?  With all of the discrimination coming from Democrats, they deserve a leg up.”

Bird Flu Fears Renew Feed or Starve Debate

Worldwide fears of an avian flu epidemic have provoked new debate among scientists over competing theories about whether one should “feed a cold” or “starve a fever.”

Public health officials backing the latter theory recently reported remarkable success in controlled experiments where birds were fed neither food nor water for a 60-day period.  “At the end of the two months,” reported the team of researchers who led the experiment, “None of the birds evidenced any sign of the flu.” According to the scientists, all of the birds in the experimental group were inert, with no  fever, nausea or other symptoms commonly associated with the disease. Applying these findings to real world circumstances, the researchers said, would require a concerted international effort to deny all form of nutrients to birds everywhere.  “It is an admittedly difficult task,” they conceded, “But if we successfully starve all birds, we have little doubt that avian flu itself will be eliminated.”

Meanwhile, proponents of the “feed a cold” theory point to recent research that appears to support their argument that high rates of consumption can work to reduce the disease’s spread.  In their own controlled experiments, birds force-fed a variety of high-calorie and high-fat foods became so obese that their ability to move, much less fly, was sharply reduced. The effect was to render the birds virtually immobile.  Although the obese birds did develop flu, the scientists said, the fact that they couldn’t move meant they did not infect other birds -- or other species, such as humans -- with the disease. The “feed a cold” scientists have consequently recommended a public health strategy that is almost exactly the opposite of that supported by “starve a fever,” saying that vast amounts of fatty foods be placed in locations birds frequent. Pointing to the recent successes fast food restaurants have had in dramatically increasing human obesity, they suggest that world governments joint venture with fast food vendors such as McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

Despite the two camps’ dirvergent approaches, they appear to agree on one thing: Current feeding patterns need to be changed. “If we continue to allow birds to eat as they have for millennia,” said one scientist, “We’ll just get more and more of them flying everywhere. Overfeed them, or don’t feed them at all: Doing either is better than doing nothing at all.”

Federal Agency Seeks to Eliminate “W”

Decrying “W” as an “unnecessary and foolish” letter, the Bureau of Alphabetization, part of the mammoth Department of Homeland Security, has published proposed regulations in the Federal Register that would seek to ban the letter from future use.

“‘W’ is an oddity,” pointed out a Bureau representative.  “Of all of the letters, it alone has more than one syllable. Moreover, if you really think about it, it should be ‘double-V’ not ‘double-U’.”

According to the Bureau, the “W” sound would remain an important part of the language, but would be handled by the letter “V.” “In fact, that’s the way it is in Latin,” said the representative. “In Latin, it’s ‘V’ that makes the familiar ‘wuh’ sound we now associate with ‘W’.”

The Bureau acknowledged that its proposed regulations meant the letter “V” would now serve double duty, making its original ‘vee’ sound as well as having to shoulder the burdens of the ‘wuh’ sound. However, it pointed out, other letters such as “C” face the same burden and have been able to manage well through the ages.

One potential upside to the reform, pointed out members of the Modern Language Association, which supports the new rule, is that it would provide grammarians with the opportunity to create a new letter with a new sound of its own. “There are many sounds, such as ‘tl,’ which is a dental stop with lateral release in the Bantu language Changana, that English might usefully adopt,” said a staff member of the MLS. “This would allow English to broaden itself into a world language that is not merely the product of the parochial thinking of dead white European men.”

Some members of the Bush administration oppose the rule and have accused the Bureau, which is staffed largely by holdovers from the Clinton administration, of engaging in “cheap political theater” aimed at banning the President’s well-known moniker.

“That’s not true at all,” said the Bureau representative. “As part of the Department of Homeland Security, uppermost in our minds is the safety and security of our great nation. If we fail to ban ‘W,” then the terrorists win.”