News item: “Being very attractive reduces a young adult's (ages 18-26) propensity for criminal activity and being unattractive increases it for a number of crimes, ranging from burglary to selling drugs.” Naci Mocan and Erdal Tekin, National Bureau of Economic Research, NBER Working Paper No. 12019, February 2006 (http://www.nber.org/papers/w12019).
The FBI and the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) announced today a joint task force to “wipe out crime as we know it” with specific, targeted measures to improve the national pulchritude.
Using the FBI’s massive database as well as the ASPS’s clinical expertise, the program will conduct an inventory of every person between the ages of 13 and 30, ranking each from 1 to 10 on a scale of physical attractiveness. Those ranking five or below will be offered free or reduced cosmetic surgery. Funded with federal grants, the aim of the program is “to increase the general level of beauty to such a level that crime will virtually disappear,” said a spokesperson.
“For a long time,” said an FBI analyst, “We believed that the propensity to commit crime related to one’s economic circumstances, upbringing, peer group influence or even an innate desire to be evil. We never really focused on the fact that criminals are just flat-out ugly.”
For their part, historians said the new research sheds light on the activities of some of history’s most pernicious characters. “Ghengis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler,” said one, “Imagine how different things would have been if we’d had dermabrasion, growth hormone injections, and better hairstyling?”
The program is subject to many criticisms, especially given that measures of beauty are difficult to quantify and often subject to personal bias. “We’re aware of that,” said a member of the task force, “and plan to have in place a screening committee of at least nine persons composed of men and women of diverse backgrounds. Scores will be averaged and then professional cosmetologists will be brought in to identify the specific improvements needed to enhance the subject’s beauty.”
The program will be voluntary and no individual will be compelled to undergo the recommended procedures, said task force members. However, those who refuse to participate and then commit a crime will face harder choices. “It’s easy to imagine a judge telling a rapist that it’s either ten years hard time or a nose job -- or requiring a bank robber to get a breast lift.”
One concern is that there are some individuals who are so ugly that even the best of modern medical science will not be able to bring them to a beauty level of six or better. “For that group,” said a task force member, “We would recommend incarceration for life. After all, we know they’re going to commit a crime eventually. Why take chances?”