Tom Keane

The Week in Review

With gas prices soaring and political fall-out deepening, President Bush revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney had given him permission to criticize the major oil companies. “There are rare occasions when we need to put the nation’s interests ahead of our own economic interests,” Cheney told the President, “and this is one of them.”

Bush immediately announced he was rescinding environmental regulations banning MBTE, a harmful additive. The prohibition on MBTE has been largely responsible for supply shortages and experts said they expected the move would cut prices at the pump. “It was a selfless gesture by the Vice President,” said Bush, “one that I’m sure the American people appreciate. But why hurt the oil companies when we can solve the problem by just damaging the environment a bit more?”

Meanwhile, Democrats stepped up their criticism of the President, arguing that the administration’s policies over the last six years had increased the nation’s dependence on oil. Seeking to encourage the use of alternative energy sources, Senators Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and Ted Stevens (R-AL) introduced legislation that would effectively kill a proposed windfarm in Nantucket Sound.  “Only through this ban can we truly make ourselves free of foreign oil,” said Kennedy, who dubbed his energy strategy “Newspeak.”

Calling it a “symbol of bumbling bureaucracy,” a Senate panel concluded that FEMA should be abolished and urged creation of a new disaster relief agency to be named NEMA. “We think that a NEMA will prove far more effective than a FEMA,” the panel’s report concluded, “Because ‘N’ is so much higher in the alphabet.”  The Senators warned that if the new agency proved unsuccessful, they were prepared to go as far as creating a ZEMA.

Jurors in the trial of Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 9/11 conspirator on trial for his life, asked for but were denied a dictionary Tuesday for use during their deliberations. The presiding judge said that jurors themselves needed to determine the meaning of “damned for all eternity.”

In entertainment, the Catholic Church braced for the release of The Da Vinci Code, starring actor Tom Hanks.  The movie, based on the wildly popular book, suggests that rather than dying on the cross, Jesus survived, married Mary Magdalene and then moved to France where the couple raised a family.  Church leaders worry that a French Jesus would no longer be perceived as a loving savior willing to sacrifice himself for humanity but rather as a simpering coward who looked down his nose at the rest of the mankind.

Closer to home, Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophomore accused of plagiarism in her debut novel, apologized for her actions.  “I can't tell you, and I can't put into words, how sorry I am about that. I wrote things that I wish I'd never written, and I did things I wish I had never done," she said, her voice breaking. “I am so very sorry, so very sorry for what has happened.” The apology was unsuccessful, however, when the Harvard Crimson revealed that it had been taken word for word from an apology delivered by Congressman Joe Kennedy to the Massachusetts Democratic Convention in June 1997. Viswanathan’s publisher, Little Brown, then removed the books from store shelves and sent notes to those who had purchased it asking them to forget what they had read. Nevertheless there was a bright spot for Viswanathan when Oprah Winfrey announced she had chosen the book as a featured selection for “Oprah's Book Club.” 

In Los Angeles, a judge issued a temporary restraining order requiring Charlie Sheen to stay away from the 300 million citizens who live in the United States.  “This is about more than spousal abuse and an uncontrolled temper,” the judge wrote in his order. “The defendant’s acting is of such a caliber as to pose a threat to the mental welfare of us all.”

And overseas, popular rapper Snoop Dogg stopped in London’s Heathrow Airport, got into a fight and was arrested. Although now out on bail, the music and film star will have to return at a later date for a court hearing. “Fo shizno, I dizzle know what happened doggystyle. I was J-to-tha-izzust travel'n through when these guys jumped me. Gangsta get shut up or get wet up. I’m innocent I tizzle you. Innocent cuz I'm fresh out the pen!” Dogg told reporters.

Book Review

Book Review
Evil: The Life and Times of Der Fuhrer
By Gregory Maguire
HarperCollins (422 pages)

When the Allies triumphed over the Nazis in the classic World War II saga, we heard only their side of the story. But what about their arch-nemesis, the mysterious Fuhrer? Where did he come from? How did he become so evil? And what is the true nature of evil?

Gregory Maguire, acclaimed author of Wicked, the fanciful retelling of the Wicked Witch and the Land of Oz, has triumphed again, creating a world so rich and vivid that forces us to rethink everything we thought we knew about at Nazi Germany.

Years before Eisenhower and his crew land at Normandy, Adolph is born -- a smart, sensitive and misunderstood creature who challenges all our preconceived notions about the nature of good and evil. The fourth of six children, only he and a younger sister, Paula, reach adulthood. The secrets of his life lie deep: Adolph’s father was the child of an illicit coupling, with his mother, Maria Schicklgruber, becoming mysteriously pregnant after working as a servant in a Jewish household in Graz. The shame of that is felt acutely by Adolph well into adulthood. The son seeks refuge in the arts, much against his father’s objections, and eventually rebels, leaving school at age 16.  Stung by rejections from art schools, he lives as a Bohemian, barely eking out a living painting even while producing more than 2,000 works. After the death of his mother, at just age 47, young Adolph falls into despair, running out of money and eventually winding up on the streets, homeless.

Adolph’s Germany is a cruel and unsettling place. The enemies of the Volk are everywhere. Young Adolph, wild and complex, is determined to protect the Aryans -- even it means combating the mysterious Jews, even if it means risking his single chance at romance. Even wiser in guilt and sorrow, he can find himself grateful when the world declares him a monster. And he can even make himself glad for that American general from Texas.

In Evil, Gregory Maguire has taken the largely unknown world of pre-War Germany and populated it with the power of his own imagination. Fast-paced, fantastically real and supremely entertaining, this is a novel of vision and re-vision. The Third Reich never will be the same again.

Harvard Tuition to Rise Significantly

The cost of attending Harvard University will be $1,249,999.99 for the 2006/2007 academic year, a whopping 2,763 percent increase over the current level of $43,655. The amount includes tuition, room, board, and mandatory fees.

University administrators said they expected that only perhaps “a dozen or so” families would be able to afford the new tuition and that most students would be on some form of financial aid.

“This really is the logical conclusion of a strategy we began several years ago,” said a University spokeswoman, “Where we admit students from all economic backgrounds and look to those of wealthier means to cross subsidize everyone else.” Right now, for example, all students from families making under $60,000 can attend Harvard under full scholarship.  “Next year we expect the cut-off to rise to an income level of $900,000,” said the spokeswoman, meaning that in excess of 98 percent of the student body will be receiving aid.

Aside from outright grants, the aid packages will include low interest loans and work-study programs.  The University is still struggling to find appropriate work-study jobs since most of those currently held by students pay under $10 an hour.  “We’re hoping to find positions -- such as professional athletics, rock stardom and movie acting -- that will allow our students to earn enough to make a meaningful contribution to their education,” the spokeswoman said.

In addition, the University’s student loan program will be secured by a requirement that graduates enter into lucrative fields such as medicine, law, or investment banking.  “Needless to say,” added the spokeswoman, “We’ll be less than thrilled to accept applicants who plan to go into government service or social work.  If that’s what you want to do with your life, then we’d encourage you to apply to Yale.”

The Week in Review

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief upon news of the birth of the Thetan baby Suri on Tuesday.  The daughter of Scientologists Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the child was born engram-free and is already functioning at Operating Level VIII. Believed to be the direct descendent of Xenu, Suri is expected to lead in the restoration of the Galactic Confederacy, with Teegeeack (presently known as the planet Earth) as its headquarters.

On Easter Sunday, children of gays and lesbians shocked the nation by participating in the traditional Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn.  Administration staffers observing the event were deeply disturbed by the breach in decorum. “This is so disgusting,” said one as he watched the children running around looking for eggs. “What’s next? Orphans?”

In politics, the White House announced yet another significant change in staffing with the resignation of press secretary Scott McClellan. Among those being considered to replace McClellan is Tony Snow of Fox News. Insiders stressed that, if that were to occur, the change would be titular only since, in fact, Fox News already is the White House press secretary.

Meanwhile, former U.S. Sen. Mike Gravel, who represented Alaska from 1969 to 1980, on Monday became the first person to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Gravel’s entry into the race was believed to be funded by a group of iconoclastic grammarians determined to revive the cliché that “the first shall be last.”

Closer to home, downtown Boston was in turmoil Tuesday morning when police shot a driver going the wrong way on Washington Street. Officials said the shooting marked the beginning of a new campaign to crack down on Boston’s reckless drivers and pedestrians.  Among the stepped-up enforcement measures are garroting those running yellow lights, beating passengers who fail to buckle up, and tying jaywalkers to ropes attached to police vehicles and dragging them at high speed through city streets.

A new report from the US Census Bureau said that Massachusetts lost an average of 42,402 people annually from 2000 to 2004, more than any other state but New York. State officials said they were unconcerned. “The good news,” said one, “is it’s much easier to get reservations at some of the area’s finest restaurants.”

Meanwhile, Governor Mitt Romney held a press event Thursday at Boston Latin School announcing an expanded effort by the state to promote abstinence in its sex education courses.  A spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood derided the plan and predicted it would be unsuccessful. “Our anti-abstinence program, which includes the entire 2006 television season as well as advertising for virtually every consumer product, will simply overwhelm anything the state can muster,” she said.

However, a new group calling itself the Unplanned Parenthood League used the occasion as well as the Census Bureau report to promote its own agenda.  “Rather than abstinence or contraception, we advocate unfettered and unprotected promiscuity.  That’s the best way to increase our population,” said a spokesman, who added the organization would soon mount its own campaign, “No means yes.”

Finally, the Massachusetts Office of Campaign and Political Finance issued a new ruling this week prohibiting politicians from making political statements when in government buildings.  Since then, the State House has been utterly silent.

A Conspiracy in Your Future

The following is a transcript of a recording recovered from 20 Temple Street, which was destroyed yesterday by a rapidly-moving fire. 

Q: Your name?

A: Madame Anna Rose, seer of all.

Q: Can you explain the paperwork I have on the desk here -- bank statements, stock certificates, real estate deeds...?

A: They’re all mine, honey.

Q: How much are they worth, do you think?

A: Well, I haven’t looked at stock prices today but, to hazard a guess, about $27 billion.

Q: Billion?!

A: That’s right, dear.

Q: And how did you get all of this?

A: I’m a psychic. I know what stocks will rise and I buy into them.  I know what will fall, and I sell it. It’s really quite simple.

Q: Is that all?

A: Sometimes I buy lottery tickets.  For a change of pace.

Q: That’s extraordinary.  You’re operating here, dressed in rags in a crummy little storefront on the third floor, and you’re one of the richest people in the world.

A: Aach, I’m nothing.  Some of the other psychics, they really pay attention to this stuff.  You should see what they’re worth.

Q: Other psychics?  You mean there’s a group of you?

A: Sure honey.  And there has been for a long time. We own probably 90 percent of the wealth in the world -- every successful company, all the gold and diamonds, pretty much every worthwhile piece of property there is.

Q: That can't be true.  How about shareholders? How about billionaires such as Bill Gates, Carlos Slim Helu, Ingvar Kamprad, Warren Buffet…?

A: All fronts.  They’re really just managing our money.

Q: But with wealth like that you could control the world.

A: We do, dear.  Every politician, every war, pretty much everything that goes on – we’re behind it.

Q: Unbelievable.

A: Hardly.  What’s unbelievable is you haven’t picked up on it. We’ve been telling you for years. We call ourselves fortunetellers, clairvoyants, mind readers.  But do you listen…?

Q: But if you’re so wealthy, then why do you work in this dump here, charging five bucks just to read someone’s palm?

A: Aach.  It passes the time, you know?  ... Oh, dear, it’s late.  If you’ll excuse me, honey, I need to leave. There's a fire.

Q: Fire? Fire?? I don’t smell anyth…

Criminally Ugly

News item: “Being very attractive reduces a young adult's (ages 18-26) propensity for criminal activity and being unattractive increases it for a number of crimes, ranging from burglary to selling drugs.” Naci Mocan and Erdal Tekin, National Bureau of Economic Research, NBER Working Paper No. 12019, February 2006 (http://www.nber.org/papers/w12019).

The FBI and the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) announced today a joint task force to “wipe out crime as we know it” with specific, targeted measures to improve the national pulchritude.

Using the FBI’s massive database as well as the ASPS’s clinical expertise, the program will conduct an inventory of every person between the ages of 13 and 30, ranking each from 1 to 10 on a scale of physical attractiveness.  Those ranking five or below will be offered free or reduced cosmetic surgery. Funded with federal grants, the aim of the program is “to increase the general level of beauty to such a level that crime will virtually disappear,” said a spokesperson.

“For a long time,” said an FBI analyst, “We believed that the propensity to commit crime related to one’s economic circumstances, upbringing, peer group influence or even an innate desire to be evil. We never really focused on the fact that criminals are just flat-out ugly.” 

For their part, historians said the new research sheds light on the activities of some of history’s most pernicious characters.  “Ghengis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler,” said one, “Imagine how different things would have been if we’d had dermabrasion, growth hormone injections, and better hairstyling?”

The program is subject to many criticisms, especially given that measures of beauty are difficult to quantify and often subject to personal bias.  “We’re aware of that,” said a member of the task force, “and plan to have in place a screening committee of at least nine persons composed of men and women of diverse backgrounds. Scores will be averaged and then professional cosmetologists will be brought in to identify the specific improvements needed to enhance the subject’s beauty.”

The program will be voluntary and no individual will be compelled to undergo the recommended procedures, said task force members. However, those who refuse to participate and then commit a crime will face harder choices.  “It’s easy to imagine a judge telling a rapist that it’s either ten years hard time or a nose job -- or requiring a bank robber to get a breast lift.”

One concern is that there are some individuals who are so ugly that even the best of modern medical science will not be able to bring them to a beauty level of six or better.  “For that group,” said a task force member, “We would recommend incarceration for life.  After all, we know they’re going to commit a crime eventually.  Why take chances?”

The Week in Review

Another wave of demonstrations by immigrants seeking the right to work swept the nation on Monday, with millions marching in cities from Boston to San Diego. Not to be outdone, French students held their own round of demonstrations protesting a French law that would make it easier for them to find work.  Noting the disparity, lawmakers from both countries proposed a grand compromise that would swap illegal US immigrants with French students, with the immigrants ending up in France and the students in the US.  American companies could then outsource their work to France while the French students could travel the fifty states criticizing American culture.

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney kicked off his presidential run Wednesday at historic Faneuil Hall when he signed the state’s landmark universal health insurance law while simultaneously vetoing provisions raising funds to pay for the expanded coverage. Romney said his position reflected his desire to bridge the gulf between the two political parties.  “Democrats want to tax and spend; Republicans want to cut and cut. As President, I plan to combine the best of both,” he said.

Meanwhile, the four multi-millionaires running to succeed Romney announced this week that they would refuse to release their federal and state income tax returns.  “They’re very complicated, with lots of big numbers, and we’re afraid they would just confuse voters,” said a spokesman for the group. “We’d rather people just paid attention to our glossy ads.”

Scientists this week were excited when the European Space Agency released exceptionally clear and revealing photographs of Venus. Taken from sophisticated cameras aboard the spacecraft “Venus Express,” many were startled by some of the details shown in the never-before-seen views. “Venus is so hot,” said one scientist, “And look, in this shot you can see she really does have two arms.”

The Christian Science Church -- beset by falling revenues and declining membership -- announced it was laying off 40 percent of its staff, halving its $190 million budget, and leasing out two buildings at its Boston headquarters. “The basic problem,” a Church spokesman said, “is people have finally figured out that when you’re sick it really does make sense to go to a doctor.”

In entertainment, actress Charlize Theron announced on television that she would not marry boyfriend Stuart Townsend until gays and lesbians throughout the United States also have the right to get married. In a striking display of solidarity, unwed fathers of illegitimate children across the country announced that they too would refuse to get married and – taking their principled stand one step more – would withhold child support as well. At the same time, in what appeared to be the beginning of an escalating stand-off, gays and lesbians in Massachusetts announced that they would stop getting married until Theron and Townsend tie the knot.

In sports, Accenture announced immediately after the 2006 Masters Golf Tournament that it was changing its company's advertising slogan to, “Go on, be a Phil.” Meanwhile, former Master’s winner Tiger Woods apologized for saying he was playing like a “spaz” during the tournament. “Sometimes I’m just such a retard,” Woods said in making his apology.

The Red Sox played their first home game on Tuesday, prompting the usual concerns about traffic overwhelming the tightly packed Fenway area.  At the same time, city officials were outraged at reports that some parking lots were charging $90 to park for the game.  “With rates like that, people might be forced to take public transportation,” said one city councilor.

Finally, in business, cell phone manufacturers, encouraged by the positive response to camera-phones and GPS-enabled phones, unveiled a new line of combination products.  Samsung’s “FaceFone” will include a “full-featured telephone as well as a compact make-up kit,” said the company in a press release. Motorola simultaneously announced the “MicroPhone” which, in addition to allowing users to communicate, has a built-in microwave oven to allow hungry consumers to prepare quick meals while on the go.

American Metaphor Society Creates Storm of Controversy

The American Metaphor Society said today it had seized the bull by the horns and lassoed the beast in an effort to bring down the house.

“A burning sun can’t be doused by water,” said AMS President “Dead as a Doornail” Strawman.  “There’s a lot on our table which a dog howling at the moon would gander in a split second.” The announcement swept through inner circles like a typhoon on steroids, leaving opponents up the creek without a paddle.

For their part, critics said there was too much on the Society’s plate to leapfrog like a May junebug jumping off a hot griddle. That made them suspect there were plenty of other fish in the sea and that the announcement was a recipe for disaster.

Strawman refused to be baited, however, saying the pot was about to bubble and soon they’d all be cooked out of a burning desire for the Rum’s Head Road. “And I mean that literally,” he added.

The Gospel of Judas

Hello, my name is Judas Iscariot and I was one of the thirteen apostles. In fact…I was the president of the apostles! President! Yeah! That's the ticket!

For years, I followed Jesus everywhere. We were friends.  In fact, we were best friends. Sure! And he relied upon me for everything. I was there when he did all of his miracles … in fact, I assisted him with the miracles. Sometimes when he was tired, I’d, I’d -- uh -- I’d do them myself! Yeah, that's it!

After a while, the Romans started to get angry with Jesus so they came to me because I was the weakest -- I mean, closest to Jesus. I said sure, no problem, just don't hurt me -- I mean, I said, of course not, never. But then Jesus, he told me that he … uh … he wanted to die. Yeah, that’s it! He said he wanted to die and as his betray- … best friend he needed me to make it happen. So I went back to the Romans and they offered me thirty … three hundred pieces of silver. Yeah! That night we’re at supper and Jesus is handing out bread and wine … I mean, I’m handing out bread and wine and he says, “Do this in remembrance of me … er, Judas, in remembrance of Judas.” Yeah, that’s what happened!

And then, later on he says, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me -- uh, be loyal to me.” Yeah, loyal!  So everyone is looking around, wondering who it is and he winks at me and says, “Dip your hand into this bowl with me,” to show everyone that I was his best friend and I did and they all despised -- uh, were envious of me. Sure!

So I left and later on saw him in the Garden and he looked so upset … uh, happy to see me! Yeahhh! I gave him a kiss on the cheek -- and a hug too! Sure! Then the Romans came and took him and led him out … but he gave me a big thumbs up as he left! Yeah!

And then the next day he died and I took it hard. Maybe too hard -- I tried to kill myself. Yeahh… I did kill myself! Sure! I was medically dead for a week and a half! Maybe longer.

Oh, you'd be surprised how connected Jesus and I were -- like brothers, sure! -- and it made everyone so resentful. In fact, he told me it would be better for me if I had not been born they’d be so jealous. But I wrote everything down and that's why now, I -- I’m in the New York Times and I even have my picture on the cover of National Enqui … Geographic magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah, that's the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

The Week in Review

Numerologists were excited this week as digital clocks read 01:02:03:04:05:06 at 1:02:03 PM and AM on Wednesday, April 4. Hailing it as “an alignment of the cosmos,” one group said it was a moment with as much significance as the “dawning of the age of Aquarius” from a generation ago. However, rival numerology groups disputed that claim, saying other, more important numerological events were about to occur. One, noting that clocks on June 6 would read 06:06:06:06:06:06 (6:06:06 AM and PM on June 6, 2006), pointed out that the repetition of numbers is “clearly of greater consequence than a mere sequence.” Still another group said that 20:06:20:06:20:06 (which, in military time, is 10:06:20 PM on June 20, 2006) was more important because the year -- 2006 -- is repeated three times.

Meanwhile, over a million French citizens took to the streets this week to demonstrate against a new law designed to make it easier to fire employees. “It’s already working,” said a senior French government official. “One ground for termination?  Not showing up to work for some frivolous reason such as -- heh heh, heh -- going to a demonstration.”

Back home, law enforcement officials cheered the recent arrest of Homeland Security official Brian Doyle for soliciting sex with a 14-year-old. They warned, however, that their strategy of posing as 14-year-olds on the Internet was encountering increasing difficulty.  “We’ve been doing this for a while, and have snared pretty much every guy who might be attracted to 14-year-olds,” said one undercover cop. Police said they may have to change their strategy and start posing as 15-year-olds.

Here in Massachusetts, the state legislature passed a landmark healthcare bill that requires everyone not eligible for Medicaid or Medicare to purchase health insurance.  “We are serious about this mandate.  No more leaching off taxpayers or dipping into some free care pool,” said one proponent of the law. When asked what would happen if those without insurance got sick, he said bluntly, “Then they’ll die. We mean what we say.” After a moment he said, “OK, you got me. We’ll give them free care, of course, just like we do now.”

On Thursday, multimillionaires across the state cheered as plutocrat Chris Gabrieli entered the race for Governor. “The odds of one of us winning are now incredibly high,” said one multimillionaire.  With Gabrieli’s announcement, four of the five gubernatorial candidates are plutocrats. (The others are Democrat Deval Patrick, Republican Kerry Healey, and independent candidate Christy Mihos.) “It’s about time,” said another multimillionaire.  “For too long both parties have ignored the plight of the staggeringly wealthy -- the shrinking availability of coastline for vacation homes, the scarcity of good limo drivers and in-home chefs, and the appalling lack of craftsmanship among those who renovate or restore our fabulous homes.”

An April 5 snowstorm in the Boston area provoked yet another round of predictable guffawing over global warming, with pedestrians greeting each other with pithy comments such as “When’s that global warming coming?” and “Coldest global warming I’ve ever seen.” Climatologists attempted to explain that “global warming” was a misnomer and that they were really talking about “global climate change,” but most caught in the storm seemed unimpressed.  “They called it ‘global warming’ and I’m going to hold them to it,” said one.

In sports, the Red Sox held their season opener Monday in Texas. With the advent of the baseball season, area sports fans promptly lost interest in the fate of the Bruins, Celtics and any other team involved in any other sport.

In newsertainment, staff at the “Today” show expressed worry that the departure of long-time host Katie Couric for CBS could fundamentally change the show. “Katie’s gravitas and commitment to quality journalism have made ‘Today’ the nation’s top morning news show,” said one assistant producer. “There’s a real fear that with her gone we could devolve into three hours of goofy interviews, quirky banter and bad pop music.” In anticipation of Couric's arrival, CBS News announced that it would soon upgrade its nightly news coverage with a nationwide weather report delivered by a jolly fat man.

Finally, in the bad news/good news category, Eminem -- whose real name is Marshall Mathers III and is often misspelled as “Eminemineminem” -- said he is divorcing his wife Kim for the second time, less than three months after a highly publicized remarriage.  Record company executives said they were delighted, however.  “The last divorce gave him an enormous amount of material to work with,” said one.  “He wrote sings complaining about his ex-wife, whining about his custody battle, and grumbling about alimony. But since they got back together, he hasn’t recorded anything decent. Now that the divorce is in the works, he’s back to his old, irritable, cantankerous, and crabby ways.  We’re expecting great things.”