The Week in Review

Numerologists were excited this week as digital clocks read 01:02:03:04:05:06 at 1:02:03 PM and AM on Wednesday, April 4. Hailing it as “an alignment of the cosmos,” one group said it was a moment with as much significance as the “dawning of the age of Aquarius” from a generation ago. However, rival numerology groups disputed that claim, saying other, more important numerological events were about to occur. One, noting that clocks on June 6 would read 06:06:06:06:06:06 (6:06:06 AM and PM on June 6, 2006), pointed out that the repetition of numbers is “clearly of greater consequence than a mere sequence.” Still another group said that 20:06:20:06:20:06 (which, in military time, is 10:06:20 PM on June 20, 2006) was more important because the year -- 2006 -- is repeated three times.

Meanwhile, over a million French citizens took to the streets this week to demonstrate against a new law designed to make it easier to fire employees. “It’s already working,” said a senior French government official. “One ground for termination?  Not showing up to work for some frivolous reason such as -- heh heh, heh -- going to a demonstration.”

Back home, law enforcement officials cheered the recent arrest of Homeland Security official Brian Doyle for soliciting sex with a 14-year-old. They warned, however, that their strategy of posing as 14-year-olds on the Internet was encountering increasing difficulty.  “We’ve been doing this for a while, and have snared pretty much every guy who might be attracted to 14-year-olds,” said one undercover cop. Police said they may have to change their strategy and start posing as 15-year-olds.

Here in Massachusetts, the state legislature passed a landmark healthcare bill that requires everyone not eligible for Medicaid or Medicare to purchase health insurance.  “We are serious about this mandate.  No more leaching off taxpayers or dipping into some free care pool,” said one proponent of the law. When asked what would happen if those without insurance got sick, he said bluntly, “Then they’ll die. We mean what we say.” After a moment he said, “OK, you got me. We’ll give them free care, of course, just like we do now.”

On Thursday, multimillionaires across the state cheered as plutocrat Chris Gabrieli entered the race for Governor. “The odds of one of us winning are now incredibly high,” said one multimillionaire.  With Gabrieli’s announcement, four of the five gubernatorial candidates are plutocrats. (The others are Democrat Deval Patrick, Republican Kerry Healey, and independent candidate Christy Mihos.) “It’s about time,” said another multimillionaire.  “For too long both parties have ignored the plight of the staggeringly wealthy -- the shrinking availability of coastline for vacation homes, the scarcity of good limo drivers and in-home chefs, and the appalling lack of craftsmanship among those who renovate or restore our fabulous homes.”

An April 5 snowstorm in the Boston area provoked yet another round of predictable guffawing over global warming, with pedestrians greeting each other with pithy comments such as “When’s that global warming coming?” and “Coldest global warming I’ve ever seen.” Climatologists attempted to explain that “global warming” was a misnomer and that they were really talking about “global climate change,” but most caught in the storm seemed unimpressed.  “They called it ‘global warming’ and I’m going to hold them to it,” said one.

In sports, the Red Sox held their season opener Monday in Texas. With the advent of the baseball season, area sports fans promptly lost interest in the fate of the Bruins, Celtics and any other team involved in any other sport.

In newsertainment, staff at the “Today” show expressed worry that the departure of long-time host Katie Couric for CBS could fundamentally change the show. “Katie’s gravitas and commitment to quality journalism have made ‘Today’ the nation’s top morning news show,” said one assistant producer. “There’s a real fear that with her gone we could devolve into three hours of goofy interviews, quirky banter and bad pop music.” In anticipation of Couric's arrival, CBS News announced that it would soon upgrade its nightly news coverage with a nationwide weather report delivered by a jolly fat man.

Finally, in the bad news/good news category, Eminem -- whose real name is Marshall Mathers III and is often misspelled as “Eminemineminem” -- said he is divorcing his wife Kim for the second time, less than three months after a highly publicized remarriage.  Record company executives said they were delighted, however.  “The last divorce gave him an enormous amount of material to work with,” said one.  “He wrote sings complaining about his ex-wife, whining about his custody battle, and grumbling about alimony. But since they got back together, he hasn’t recorded anything decent. Now that the divorce is in the works, he’s back to his old, irritable, cantankerous, and crabby ways.  We’re expecting great things.”