The world breathed a collective sigh of relief upon news of the birth of the Thetan baby Suri on Tuesday. The daughter of Scientologists Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the child was born engram-free and is already functioning at Operating Level VIII. Believed to be the direct descendent of Xenu, Suri is expected to lead in the restoration of the Galactic Confederacy, with Teegeeack (presently known as the planet Earth) as its headquarters.
On Easter Sunday, children of gays and lesbians shocked the nation by participating in the traditional Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. Administration staffers observing the event were deeply disturbed by the breach in decorum. “This is so disgusting,” said one as he watched the children running around looking for eggs. “What’s next? Orphans?”
In politics, the White House announced yet another significant change in staffing with the resignation of press secretary Scott McClellan. Among those being considered to replace McClellan is Tony Snow of Fox News. Insiders stressed that, if that were to occur, the change would be titular only since, in fact, Fox News already is the White House press secretary.
Meanwhile, former U.S. Sen. Mike Gravel, who represented Alaska from 1969 to 1980, on Monday became the first person to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Gravel’s entry into the race was believed to be funded by a group of iconoclastic grammarians determined to revive the cliché that “the first shall be last.”
Closer to home, downtown Boston was in turmoil Tuesday morning when police shot a driver going the wrong way on Washington Street. Officials said the shooting marked the beginning of a new campaign to crack down on Boston’s reckless drivers and pedestrians. Among the stepped-up enforcement measures are garroting those running yellow lights, beating passengers who fail to buckle up, and tying jaywalkers to ropes attached to police vehicles and dragging them at high speed through city streets.
A new report from the US Census Bureau said
that Massachusetts lost an average of 42,402 people annually from 2000
to 2004, more than any other state but New York. State officials said
they were unconcerned. “The good news,” said one, “is it’s much easier
to get reservations at some of the area’s finest restaurants.”
Meanwhile, Governor Mitt Romney held a press event Thursday at Boston Latin School announcing an expanded effort by the state to promote abstinence in its sex education courses. A spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood derided the plan and predicted it would be unsuccessful. “Our anti-abstinence program, which includes the entire 2006 television season as well as advertising for virtually every consumer product, will simply overwhelm anything the state can muster,” she said.
However, a new group calling itself the Unplanned Parenthood League used the occasion as well as the Census Bureau report to promote its own agenda. “Rather than abstinence or contraception, we advocate unfettered and unprotected promiscuity. That’s the best way to increase our population,” said a spokesman, who added the organization would soon mount its own campaign, “No means yes.”
Finally, the Massachusetts Office of Campaign and Political Finance issued a new ruling this week prohibiting politicians from making political statements when in government buildings. Since then, the State House has been utterly silent.