With gas prices soaring and political fall-out deepening, President Bush revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney had given him permission to criticize the major oil companies. “There are rare occasions when we need to put the nation’s interests ahead of our own economic interests,” Cheney told the President, “and this is one of them.”
Bush immediately announced he was rescinding environmental regulations banning MBTE, a harmful additive. The prohibition on MBTE has been largely responsible for supply shortages and experts said they expected the move would cut prices at the pump. “It was a selfless gesture by the Vice President,” said Bush, “one that I’m sure the American people appreciate. But why hurt the oil companies when we can solve the problem by just damaging the environment a bit more?”
Meanwhile, Democrats stepped up their criticism of the President, arguing that the administration’s policies over the last six years had increased the nation’s dependence on oil. Seeking to encourage the use of alternative energy sources, Senators Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and Ted Stevens (R-AL) introduced legislation that would effectively kill a proposed windfarm in Nantucket Sound. “Only through this ban can we truly make ourselves free of foreign oil,” said Kennedy, who dubbed his energy strategy “Newspeak.”
Calling it a “symbol of bumbling bureaucracy,” a Senate panel concluded that FEMA should be abolished and urged creation of a new disaster relief agency to be named NEMA. “We think that a NEMA will prove far more effective than a FEMA,” the panel’s report concluded, “Because ‘N’ is so much higher in the alphabet.” The Senators warned that if the new agency proved unsuccessful, they were prepared to go as far as creating a ZEMA.
Jurors in the trial of Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 9/11 conspirator on trial for his life, asked for but were denied a dictionary Tuesday for use during their deliberations. The presiding judge said that jurors themselves needed to determine the meaning of “damned for all eternity.”
In entertainment, the Catholic Church braced for the release of The Da Vinci Code, starring actor Tom Hanks. The movie, based on the wildly popular book, suggests that rather than dying on the cross, Jesus survived, married Mary Magdalene and then moved to France where the couple raised a family. Church leaders worry that a French Jesus would no longer be perceived as a loving savior willing to sacrifice himself for humanity but rather as a simpering coward who looked down his nose at the rest of the mankind.
Closer to home, Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophomore accused of plagiarism in her debut novel, apologized for her actions. “I can't tell you, and I can't put into words, how sorry I am about that. I wrote things that I wish I'd never written, and I did things I wish I had never done," she said, her voice breaking. “I am so very sorry, so very sorry for what has happened.” The apology was unsuccessful, however, when the Harvard Crimson revealed that it had been taken word for word from an apology delivered by Congressman Joe Kennedy to the Massachusetts Democratic Convention in June 1997. Viswanathan’s publisher, Little Brown, then removed the books from store shelves and sent notes to those who had purchased it asking them to forget what they had read.
Nevertheless there was a bright spot for Viswanathan when Oprah Winfrey announced she had chosen the book as a featured selection for “Oprah's Book Club.”
In Los Angeles, a judge issued a temporary restraining order requiring Charlie Sheen to stay away from the 300 million citizens who live in the United States. “This is about more than spousal abuse and an uncontrolled temper,” the judge wrote in his order. “The defendant’s acting is of such a caliber as to pose a threat to the mental welfare of us all.”
And overseas, popular rapper Snoop Dogg stopped in London’s Heathrow Airport, got into a fight and was arrested. Although now out on bail, the music and film star will have to return at a later date for a court hearing. “Fo shizno, I dizzle know what happened doggystyle. I was J-to-tha-izzust travel'n through when these guys jumped me. Gangsta get shut up or get wet up. I’m innocent I tizzle you. Innocent cuz I'm fresh out the pen!” Dogg told reporters.