Tom Keane

The Week in Review

President George Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair met in Washington this week and acknowledged that there had been “setbacks and missteps” resulting from the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Bush spoke movingly about the potential loss of the House or the Senate to Democrats in the upcoming mid-term elections.  For his part, Blair was eloquent about the decline of his personal popularity and the near certainty that he will no longer be in office in a year.  “Other than that,” the leaders said, “Things are going just fine.”

Meanwhile, in a touching demonstration of bi-partisanship, angry members of the House protested an FBI raid on the office of Congressman William Jefferson’s (D-La.) who was recorded receiving $100,000 in cash bribes in a sting operation. “Warrantless searches and wholesale invasions of privacy are fine when it comes to ordinary Americans who are not suspected of any crimes whatsoever,” said a statement from leaders of both political parties. “But when it comes to members of Congress who are obvious crooks -- well, we have to draw the line somewhere.”

In local news, despite predictions to the contrary, looting in wealthy North Shore communities such as Topsfield was almost non-existent after recent flooding.  Authorities had feared that depleted police manpower would lead to a breakdown of civil order on the scale of that experienced in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. “We had nightmares,” said one state official, “of residents stealing 18th century antiques, lifting post-Modern art works from local galleries, and sneaking into the backrooms of wine shoppes and taking rare bottles that still needed several years of proper aging before being ready to drink.” Credit was given to Governor Mitt Romney, who on national television had warned against looting. “That message, clear and firm from the Governor, sure put those suburbanites in their place,” the official added.

Lawyers for Caritas Hospital president Robert Haddad yesterday flew to Iraq to take over the defense of former dictator Saddam Hussein. Hussein is on trial for the slaughter of over 180,000 Kurds, the invasion of Kuwait, and the killing of political activists over a 30-year period. “Killing Kurds is just a part of Saddam’s Iraqi heritage,” explained the lawyers, who also had defended Haddad’s alleged groping and kissing of female staff by arguing it was part of his Lebanese culture. “Saddam is deeply respectful of the customs and traditions of his ancestors, which include murdering opponents, gassing other tribes and invading nearby sovereign nations. To hold him to different, western-style norms, is a kind of cultural imperialism that disrespects the rich diversity of societies around the world.”

In entertainment, members of PETA this week named actress Kristen Bell and the musician Prince as this year’s "sexiest vegetarians." There were no winners in the “male” category, said a spokesperson.

And Kevin Logan, a senior at West Side High School in Gary, Ind., was turned away from his prom last Friday when he showed up wearing a full-length pink dress. “We may just be a farming state,” said the school’s principal, “but we do have standards. Kevin’s taste in fashion is appalling -- the colors are garish, the style is out-dated and he bulges out at the middle like a balloon that’s about to pop. We had a simple message for him: ‘Come back when you find a dress that looks good and fits well.’”

And finally, James M. Kilts, who as CEO orchestrated the sale Boston-based Gillette to Procter & Gamble, announced he will be leaving the company in October. Kilt said he was not retiring, however. “Wherever there are institutions to be dismantled and traditions to be torn down, I stand ready,” he said.  Kilts added that he was in the running for the presidency of Harvard University, and hoped to be able to merge it into the University of Phoenix.

Collapse

The smoke drifted down the street, obscuring the ruined buildings.  Shouts and screams reverberated around me -- shrieks of fear, perhaps, or pain or maybe just cries of despair. They had begun almost a week ago and hadn’t subsided since. By now, I was used to them.

To my right I saw movement and a running man who blindly came straight towards me.  We collided and I tumbled backwards, certain I would soon feel the knife in my belly and the slow bloody end.  But he had fallen too and the look he gave me was one of surprise, not rage.

“What happened?” he asked. He was calm and composed, his voice modulated, his manner unthreatening.

“You ran into me,” I answered, slowly standing up.

“No,” he said weakly, his arm reaching out and gesturing around into the smoke, the ruin, and the death. “This.”

“It’s the collapse, my friend. The destruction of the Western world.”

“Who did this? Terrorists?  Iran? Fanatic Islamists? North Korea?  The commies?”

“Where have you been?” I asked, incredulous.

“Suffolk County jail. I hadn’t buckled my seatbelt, a cop stopped me, one thing led to another…” He shook his head. “I heard noise and just hid in my cell, afraid to go out. I’d never been in prison before. But eventually I got so hungry and the cell doors were just open.”

“So you really don’t know,” I marveled.

I looked directly at him. “It wasn’t the terrorists, man.  It was the movie, the damn movie.”

“Michael Moore?”

“No, Ron Howard.  The Da Vinci Code. It was a sensation. Huge crowds. And suddenly, faster than you could say Malcolm Gladwell, we were past the tipping point.  More people knew the secret than didn’t. The awful truth, the one the Catholic Church had conspired for two thousand years to hide, was suddenly known to everyone.”

I paused, collecting my thoughts.  “It turned out the Church had been right all along.  This was the secret that should have stayed a secret. Our entire civilization had been based on a lie. But the lie had worked. It had been the underpinning of everything -- from democracy to indoor plumbing to the Internet. And now that we know what really happened…” My voice caught. “The end of civilization…”

“But,” he said, “What secret? I never saw the movie.”

“It’s about Jesus and Mary Magdalene,” I told him. “They were married.  They had a child. She -- and perhaps they -- ended up living in France.  The Merovingians were their bloodline.  Their children are still with us today.”

He looked at me and before my eyes I saw his face change, his eyes widening and his mouth contorting into a rictus of shock. “No,” he said, “That’s not possible.  Not possible.” He started to shout and charged at me, his hands out.  I tried to fend him off but he had me by the neck, squeezing. My knees buckled. “Why couldn't He have just remained single?” he wailed, spittle spraying from his mouth as his hands gripped tighter. The world faded to black.

The Week in Review

The nation’s largest telecommunications companies this week denied reports that they had cooperated with the National Security Agency in handing over customers’ telephone records to the government.  “Saying that we ‘handed’ over records is literally not true, particularly if the allegation is we did so at 3 PM in the afternoon,” said a spokesman for BellSouth.  “We never directly gave anything to current senior staff members at the agency’s main headquarters in January 2002,” added a representative of Verizon.

Upon learning that the NSA had not been conducting such a data mining operation, politicians said they were outraged. “I had been deeply upset to learn from USA Today that the Bush administration had so cavalierly intruded upon the privacy rights of millions of Americans,” said one senior Democrat.  “Now I am equally disturbed to learn that the Administration has not done its utmost to protect us from terrorists by using data mining techniques to identify possible threats to our homeland.”

The Da Vinci Code, the much-anticipated Hollywood blockbuster, opened to poor reviews around the country -- the product of a massive conspiracy orchestrated by Opus Dei, according to those familiar with the secretive Catholic sect’s operations. Using its extensive web of connections to elites throughout the world, Opus Dei succeeded in persuading all but a handful of media organizations to trash the film.  The group’s apparent strategy is to paint the movie as a dull and boring tale not worth the cost of admission, with the hope being that moviegoers will then stay away. “If no one attends, then they will never learn the secret we spent two millennia hiding from everyone except a few all-too-clever Renaissance painters,” said one Opus Dei insider. “Our fear is that western civilization itself would collapse if people learned that Jesus really lived in France. Oops.  Strike that.  I’ve said too much…”

Meanwhile, the American Association of Albinos denounced the movie for its depiction of albinos as deranged and violence-prone psychotics. “If The Da Vinci Code is not pulled immediately,” said a spokesman for the AAA, “Then we will have no choice but to assassinate Ron Howard, Dan Brown, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou.”

In local news, residents were reeling from eight days of rain that left many communities devastated by flooding.  FEMA immediately announced plans to visit the worst-hit parts of Massachusetts and New Hampshire.  “We’ve got a trip scheduled for late August,” said a senior staff member.  “We want the people of New England to know that we care and we’ll be there for them.”

Meanwhile, the Boston City Council offered its own assistance to victims of the recent storm, with members proposing legislation requiring parking-lot operators to refund drivers in the case of rained-out Red Sox games. The Council, which has increased residential property taxes every year for the last decade, said the help was needed.  “It’s OK to fleece our residents,”  said one Councilor, “But we certainly don’t want to do that to visitors -- after all, many of these are people from the suburbs who run the companies that we hope will hire us someday when we’re out of office.”

And finally, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that tobacco companies can't escape liability merely because smokers should know the risks of cigarettes. “The implication of the tobacco companies’ argument,” the Court said in its unanimous opinion, “is that people are responsible for their own behavior, and that they -- and they alone -- should bear the consequences of that behavior. This runs counter to our longstanding tradition of blaming others for our own misfortunes. Indeed, if we were to rule otherwise, we would be striking a fatal blow to the heart of the American tort system, potentially putting thousands of lawyers out of work.”

McCartney Press Conference

Paul McCartney (opening statement): Goodnight Tonight. After a Long and Winding Road. I Lost My Little Girl. Yesterday. The Mess.  Simple as That. This Never Happened Before. Maybe I’m Amazed.

Question: Why did you and Heather break up?

Paul McCartney: Can’t Buy Me Love.  Money (That’s What I Want). Children, Children. Distractions. Silly Love Songs. Wanderlust. Too Many People. She’s Given Up Talking. Secret Friend. Devil in Her Heart. Things We Said Today. I’ve Had Enough.

Question: Do you think you’ll ever get back together?

Paul McCartney: That Would Be Something.  We Can Work It Out. Twice in a Lifetime. That Day Is Done.  From Lover to a Friend. Let It Be.

Question: So now that you’re separated, how do you spend your days?

Paul McCartney: Don’t Get Around Much Anymore. Rough Ride. Drive My Car. Eat at Home.  Every Night.  I’m a Loser. Man We Was Lonely.

Question: How are you feeling?

Paul McCartney: Some People Never Know. Angry. So Bad. Singing The Blues. Oh Woman, Oh Why. Try Not to Cry. Don’t Let It Bring You Down. My Brave Face.

Question: Can you tell us about when you and Heather first met?

Paul McCartney: I Saw Her Standing There. I’ve Just Seen a Face. Say, Say, Say.  She Is So Beautiful. Name and Address. My Love.  I Want To Be Your Man. Must Do Something About It.  Got To Get You Into My Life. No Other Baby. No More Lonely Nights. 

Question: So what do you think you’ll do now?

Paul McCartney: Every Little Thing. Freedom. Wild Life. Wino Junko. Carry That Weight.

McCartney Spokesman: I’m sorry, that’s the end of the press conference. No more questions.

Question: But Sir Paul…

Paul McCartney:  Get Back. Listen What The Man Said. No Words.

Nothing to Talk About

I’m already missing the rain.

This has been a great week for watching TV, becoming an expert in meteorology, and finding something in common with people you barely know. “Well,” I importantly tell the man wrapping up my Number 9 at D’Angelo’s, “It appears that we have a stationary mass trapped between two fronts that are preventing the storm from moving offshore.”

“If this were snow, it would be equivalent of 12 to 14 feet,” he says to me.

I take my sandwich.  We’ve bonded.

Let’s face it, most of us have very little to talk about. The gubernatorial race is too far away and we’ve run out of ways to curse George Bush.  Sports are a common ground for some but beyond that, what? Hey, I changed the oil on ten cars today! Hey, I successfully negotiated the second clause of a subordination agreement today! Hey, I prescribed penicillin today!

I don’t think so.

I know, we pretend to despair when the weather turns bad and joy when the sun comes out.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Winter is the best season, filled with on-the-edge-of-your-seat anticipation over snow, wind and school closings.  But spring – and May in particular? We usually spend the month watching the flowers grow.

Sure, I’m sorry about the flooding (but weren’t the visuals cool?). And I know the clean-up will be tough (but think of the opportunities to learn about mildew!).  But you know you’ve lived through exciting times when they already have a title (“The Floods of 2006”). Now that it’s over, the sense of anomie returns. Sunny days, temperatures in the 70s.  Yawn. I start to think I understand what it must be like to live in San Diego.

But wait, there’s hope. The forecast calls for rain. There’s a possibility of a thunderstorm! The heart quickens in anticipation.

The Week in Review

The National Security Agency challenged the reporting behind a news story in USA Today that claimed the agency has been tracking the telephone calls of all Americans since shortly after 9/11. “The story was slipshod from the get-go,” said a spokesman for the spy agency. “The reporters never talked to those in a position to know, and those they did speak with had an axe to grind.” Asked how the agency could be sure about the reporters’ sourcing, the spokesman simply said, “We know.”

Meanwhile, the news media was reeling from the release of another set of grim circulation reports, this round showing that readership declined an average of 2.5 percent in the latest six-month reporting period. Newspaper executives promised a new and aggressive strategy to win back readers. Under the plan, the per-copy price of the typical newspaper would double and the companies simultaneously would make all news, graphics, and photos available for free on their web sites.  “We feel sure that will bring people back into the fold,” said one executive.

In local news, police are investigating an apparent theft of a necklace from the home of Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the Titanic disaster who died this week at her home in Shrewsbury, MA.  Apslund’s grandson said the necklace, called “The Heart of the Ocean,” consisted of a string of diamonds approximately 18 inches long with a heart-shaped pendant made of an enormous 75-carat blue diamond. “Grams used to show it to us,” he recalled. “It was supposed to be part of our inheritance.  Now, it’s just gone and we have no idea where it went.” The last time he saw it, he said, was several years ago shortly before Apslund went on “some sort of boat trip.”

The mayor and school committee of New Bedford announced plans to give “general diplomas” to students who fail the MCAS exam but meet other graduation requirements. Employers throughout the state said they were thrilled with the move, because it would provide them with an easy way to tell which high school graduates they shouldn’t even bother to interview.

In politics, state Senator Dianne Wilkerson denounced a conspiracy against her that required her to collect 300 signatures in order to appear on the ballot for the September primary.  Wilkerson apparently fell short of the requirement by 37 signatures and will thus have to run a sticker campaign to preserve her seat. She told reporters she has been the victim of a series of nefarious conspiracies, of which the signature requirement is only the latest, that have targeted her both because of her race and for her outspoken advocacy.  Last year, for example, she was the victim of a conspiracy by the Attorney General who sued her for $45,000 in missing campaign funds. Before then, there was a conspiracy by the IRS which won a criminal conviction against her for failing to pay income taxes for four years as well for failing even to file her tax returns in 1991 and 1992; a conspiracy to tag her personal automobile with over $1,300 in tickets; a conspiracy in 1998 by the Office of Campaign and Political Finance that said she illegally used campaign funds to cover personal expenses; a conspiracy by the state Ethics Commission which in 2001 fined her for failing to disclose $20,000 she’d received from the Boston Bank of Commerce for consulting services; and still another conspiracy by her condo association which sued her for failing to pay $4,671 in condo fees.

Massport officials announced they were changing the name of Boston Logan Airport to the Worcester-Manchester Logan Airport.  The name change came in the wake of recent decisions by the Manchester, NH Airport and the Worcester Regional Airport to add the word “Boston” to their names. Citing recent US Census statistics which have showed a consistent decline in Boston’s population as residents flee for other locales, a Massport officials spokesman said, “We're sensing an opportunity here.”

And finally, after months of rumors about her unhappiness with her job, Boston Police Commissioner Kathleen O'Toole resigned Tuesday to take a job as chief inspector of Ireland’s national police force. O’Toole’s departure came as the crime rate in Boston has climbed rapidly, and capped a week of seven murders in seven days.  O’Toole said she anticipated her new assignment would prove much more manageable.  “Here in Boston, we’re dealing with violent gangs, blood feuds and drug lords,” she said. “In Ireland, the issues are different. The leprechauns are always worried that people are trying to steal their pots of gold, banshees disturb the peace with their incessant wailing, and the merrows are constantly harassing the young Irish lasses. All serious concerns, sure, but I really feel up to the task.”

Bedtime Story

Mary: Jesus, will those kids ever quiet down?

Jesus (looks up from papyrus): I don’t know, Mary. Let me check on them. (He walks down hall to the bedroom.)

Jesus: Hey guys, it’s bedtime. Time to be quiet and go to sleep.

Marie: Aw, Dad, I can’t get to sleep.

JC Jr.: Daddy, tell us a story.

Jesus: A story, huh? What would you guys like to hear?

Marie: Tell us how you met Mom.

JC Jr.: Yeah, pleee-ase…

Jesus: Oh, sure, why not. Well, back in the old days, before you were born, I used to be a teacher. I’d walk around from town to town and in one of those towns, I met your Mom. Back then, her name was Mary Magdelene.

JC Jr.: What was she doing there?

Jesus: Your Mom? Uh, uh, she was an -- um -- entertainer.

Marie: Did she put on shows?

Jesus:  Boy, she sure did…I mean, well, nevermind. Eventually she and I decided to travel around together and we started to fall in love but then something terrible happened.

Marie and JC Jr. (together): Tell us!

Jesus: Some of the bigwigs around there were upset with me and decided to put me to death.  I knew this was going to happen and told my friends about it. Your Mom was there too, sitting right next to me -- you can see it in DaVinci’s painting…

Marie: DaVinci?

Jesus: Oh, that’s right, he’s not for a few centuries yet. Anyway, I was captured and the next day they nailed me to a cross and killed me.

Marie and JC Jr.: Daddy! (Both kids start crying.)

Jesus: No, no.  Don’t worry.  Your Mom and I had a few tricks up our sleeves. Three days later, I got better and met up with your Mom.  Let me tell you, were we happy to see each other.  She had been so worried about me and I really didn’t know what had been happening to her.  So we decided we needed to leave and move somewhere else where no one could find us and try to hurt us again. And that’s how we ended up here, in France, living on our farm, growing grapes, and making wine.

JC Jr.: You’re the best winemaker, aren’t you Daddy?

Jesus: Well, I do have an edge…

Marie: Did all this really happen, Daddy? 

Jesus: The gospel truth, honey.  Just ask Dan Brown.

The Week in Review

In a Rose Garden ceremony on Thursday, President Bush spoke movingly about the upcoming feast of Cinco de Mayo, saying the holiday reflected the shared values of Mexicans and Americans.  “All of us love mayonnaise,” the President said, “Although I’m still not sure what a ‘Kinko’ is.”

Earlier that day, a disoriented US Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) crashed his car around 3 AM into a barricade on the Capitol Grounds. Noting that no one died in the collision and that the young Kennedy did not seek to flee, critics of the Congressman said he still fell far short of the standards set by his father, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA).  Nevertheless, the American beer industry, which has been busily planning Cinco de Mayo festivities, immediately offered the younger Kennedy a position as their spokesman.

On Saturday, comedian Stephen Colbert, who stars in the television show The Colbert Report where he plays a man named Stephen Colbert who mocks conservatives and President Bush by sarcastically appearing to agree with them, provoked controversy when he appeared at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner where he played a man named Stephen Colbert who then mocked conservatives and President Bush by sarcastically appearing to agree with them. Republicans said they were shocked at Colbert’s audacity in performing his act to a small, exclusive gathering when, up until then, he had only performed it on television to a large national audience.  For their part, Democrats said they applauded Colbert’s willingness “to speak truth to power.” “Once we get our own TV show,” said a Party spokesman, “We’ll be just as tough on those Republicans.  Just you wait and see.”

The US Supreme Court unanimously ruled Monday in favor of a case brought by one-time Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith, who is seeking a share of her late husband's oil fortune. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said the court was “impressed by the firm, supple and well-supported arguments that undergirded Smith’s shapely and fully-fleshed appeal.”

Meanwhile, federal prosecutors denounced jurors who voted to spare the life of Al Qaeda terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui. “What a bunch of wimps,” said a member of the government team that tried the case. “What ever happened to an ‘eye for an eye’? Now it’s just ‘turn the cheek’ here and ‘love your neighbor’ there. We’ll never convert these Moslems to Christianity if we take that approach.”

Locally, health inspectors shut down unisex bathrooms in trendy restaurants such as 28 Degrees and the soon-to-be-opened Legal Test Kitchen, saying they violated the state plumbing code. The bathrooms have become suddenly chic in cities around the country and men in Boston said they were outraged by the city’s prudish decision. “Now we’ll have to go back to using hidden cameras,” said one.

In business, Microsoft founder Bill Gates said in a television interview Wednesday that he wished he were not the world's richest man. “There is nothing good that comes out of that,” Gates said. Upon reconsideration, however, Gates allowed that he did enjoy his $97 million, 40,000 square-foot mansion built on five-acres on the shores of Lake Washington. He also acknowledged that he got a charge out of using his money to buy himself prestige -- including being named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” -- and that it did afford him the opportunity of hobnobbing with celebrities and rock stars such as Bono who otherwise would never have paid attention to a pimply-faced computer geek.  Gates also admitted that his wealth lets him to eat “pretty well.” “But otherwise,” he said, “it's really tough to be rich.”

And in sports, NESN and the Red Sox announced the “Sox for Sox” Drive to benefit the homeless in New England.  Under the program, paying customers will be permitted to bring new white cotton socks to the games held on May 12, 13 or 14 and give them to the team, which will then donate them to homeless men and women.  “We see the homeless all the time as we drive around city streets in our BMWs,” said a team spokesman. “Many of these people are addicted to drugs or alcohol, many have serious and untreated psychiatric problems, they are poor, hungry, uneducated, and with almost no prospects for gainful employment.  So it seemed obvious to us that what they really needed was a nice pair of socks.  When your feet are warm and comfy, why, the world just seems all that much brighter.”

Plagiarism Inevitable, Say Experts

Recent incidents of plagiarism -- such as Harvard student Kaavya Viswanathan’s chick-lit novel and “Swanson’s Unwritten Rules of Management” by the CEO of Raytheon -- are not aberrations but rather part of a rapidly growing and probably inevitable trend, said experts in human creativity.

“We’re simply running out of original things to say,” said one expert, who said he got his opinion by reading several books by other experts.  “As the band Weezer sang, ‘It’s all been done before.’ Or was that Bare Naked Ladies?  I don’t know.  Maybe it was both of them.”

According to modern historians who cited older historians as their source, human civilization has been around for approximately 4,000 years. During that time, people have spent much of their lives writing books, poetry and plays. “How many variations on ‘boy meets girl’ can there be?” asked one.  “Pretty soon you start duplicating yourself.”

The experts pointed to this year’s batch of Hollywood movies, which include Mission Impossible III, Superman Returns, X-Men III, Miami Vice, Pirates of the Caribbean II, and Poseidon. “Even our criticisms about how derivative Hollywood movies are have been made before,’ said one industry insider.  “People have been complaining about sequels and prequels and remakes for at least the last decade.”

The problem is not limited to books and film. “Western music has just eight notes. Even adding in sharps and flats, there just isn’t that much material to work with. The result?  People start to copy other people.  Look at George Harrison -- he ripped off My Sweet Lord from He’s So Fine. And that rap music -- well, it all sounds the same to me,” said one musicologist.

A panel of experts, reprising a discussion held last year, predicted a grim future where “all art will simply be recycled.”

“Our lives will be like TV Land -- the same stuff, over and over and over,” said one panelist. “Of course, that may not be all bad.  It is pretty entertaining. A lot better than these new shows.”

How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life -- Revised

Kaavya Viswanathan’s debut novel was withdrawn by publisher Little Brown because several passages unconsciously borrowed from other authors’ works.  Viswanathan has reworked those sections; the revised version appears below.

Call me Opal. Some months ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money in my purse, and with senior year in high school having nothing particular to interest me, my parents and I thought I would set my sights on Harvard. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take the SATs.

Ah, senior year. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, I had everything before me, I had nothing before me.  I lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with my dad, Henry, who was a farmer, and mom, Em, who was the farmer's wife. Our house was small, for the lumber to build it had to be carried by wagon many miles. There were four walls, a floor and a roof, which made one room; and this room contained a rusty looking cookstove, a cupboard for the dishes, a table, three or four chairs, and the beds. Henry and Em had a big bed in one corner, and I a little bed in another corner. There was no garret at all, and no cellar--except a small hole dug in the ground, called a cyclone cellar, where we could go in case one of those great whirlwinds arose, mighty enough to crush any building in its path. It was reached by a trap door in the middle of the floor, from which a ladder led down into the small, dark hole.

It was late November. “Opal!” No answer. “Opal!” No answer. “What’s gone with that girl, I wonder? You OPAL!” No answer.

Em pulled her spectacles down and looked over them about the room; then she put them up and looked out under them. She seldom or never looked through them for so small a thing as a girl; they were her state pair, the pride of her heart, and were built for “style,” not service -- she could have seen through a pair of stove-lids just as well. She looked perplexed for a moment, and then said, not fiercely, but still loud enough for the furniture to hear: “Well, I lay if I get hold of you I’ll -- ”

But I was far away with my friends. “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” I grumbled, lying on the grass.

“It’s so dreadful to be poor!” sighed my best friend Meg, looking down at her old dress.

“I don't think it’s fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all,” added little Amy, Meg’s cousin, with an injured sniff.

I was beginning to get very tired of sitting by my friends on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice I had peeped into the book Meg was holding, but it had no pictures or conversations in it. “And what is the use of a book,” I thought, “without pictures or conversation?”

So I was considering in my own mind (as well as I could, for the hot day made me feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by me…