In a Rose Garden ceremony on Thursday, President Bush spoke movingly about the upcoming feast of Cinco de
Mayo, saying the holiday reflected the shared values of Mexicans and Americans. “All of us love mayonnaise,” the
President said, “Although I’m still not sure what a ‘Kinko’ is.”
Earlier that day, a disoriented US Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) crashed his car around 3 AM into a barricade on the Capitol Grounds. Noting that no one died in the collision and that the young Kennedy did not seek to flee, critics of the Congressman said he still fell far short of the standards set by his father, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA). Nevertheless, the American beer industry, which has been busily planning Cinco de Mayo festivities, immediately offered the younger Kennedy a position as their spokesman.
On Saturday, comedian Stephen Colbert, who stars in the television show The Colbert Report where he plays a man named Stephen Colbert who mocks conservatives and President Bush by sarcastically appearing to agree with them, provoked controversy when he appeared at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner where he played a man named Stephen Colbert who then mocked conservatives and President Bush by sarcastically appearing to agree with them. Republicans said they were shocked at Colbert’s audacity in performing his act to a small, exclusive gathering when, up until then, he had only performed it on television to a large national audience. For their part, Democrats said they applauded Colbert’s willingness “to speak truth to power.” “Once we get our own TV show,” said a Party spokesman, “We’ll be just as tough on those Republicans. Just you wait and see.”
The US Supreme Court unanimously ruled Monday in favor of a case brought by one-time Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith, who is seeking a share of her late husband's oil fortune. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said the court was “impressed by the firm, supple and well-supported arguments that undergirded Smith’s shapely and fully-fleshed appeal.”
Meanwhile, federal prosecutors denounced jurors who voted to spare the life of Al Qaeda terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui. “What a bunch of wimps,” said a member of the government team that tried the case. “What ever happened to an ‘eye for an eye’? Now it’s just ‘turn the cheek’ here and ‘love your neighbor’ there. We’ll never convert these Moslems to Christianity if we take that approach.”
Locally, health inspectors shut down unisex bathrooms in trendy restaurants such as 28 Degrees and the soon-to-be-opened Legal Test Kitchen, saying they violated the state plumbing code. The bathrooms have become suddenly chic in cities around the country and men in Boston said they were outraged by the city’s prudish decision. “Now we’ll have to go back to using hidden cameras,” said one.
In business, Microsoft founder Bill Gates said in a television interview Wednesday that he wished he were not the world's richest man. “There is nothing good that comes out of that,” Gates said. Upon reconsideration, however, Gates allowed that he did enjoy his $97 million, 40,000 square-foot mansion built on five-acres on the shores of Lake Washington. He also acknowledged that he got a charge out of using his money to buy himself prestige -- including being named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” -- and that it did afford him the opportunity of hobnobbing with celebrities and rock stars such as Bono who otherwise would never have paid attention to a pimply-faced computer geek. Gates also admitted that his wealth lets him to eat “pretty well.”
“But otherwise,” he said, “it's really tough to be rich.”
And in sports, NESN and the Red Sox announced the “Sox for Sox” Drive to benefit the homeless in New England. Under the program, paying customers will be permitted to bring new white cotton socks to the games held on May 12, 13 or 14 and give them to the team, which will then donate them to homeless men and women. “We see the homeless all the time as we drive around city streets in our BMWs,” said a team spokesman. “Many of these people are addicted to drugs or alcohol, many have serious and untreated psychiatric problems, they are poor, hungry, uneducated, and with almost no prospects for gainful employment. So it seemed obvious to us that what they really needed was a nice pair of socks. When your feet are warm and comfy, why, the world just seems all that much brighter.”