Tom Keane

The Week in Review

The Republic of Namibia this week announced a series of radical economic reforms that would make the tiny African nation into the world’s premier birthing center.  Until now largely dependent upon mining, the country of 2 million has a per capita income of just $7,000. “We are taking all of our disadvantages -- extreme isolation and lack of a developed infrastructure -- and turning them to our advantage,” said President Hifikepunye Pohamba. “For the rich and the famous, we can be a place where they can spend the last few months of gestation and the magical moments of birth in complete privacy, away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi.” Pohamba noted that, as a virtual dictator, he had the power to ensure that any media members who attempted to enter the country would be tortured and shot. “I doubt the prospects of that kind of treatment are worth a $10,000 advance from the National Enquirer,” he said. As part of the country’s effort to remake itself, the national flag -- presently blue and green triangles separated by a red stripe -- would be changed to blue and pink triangles offset by the white silhouette of a stork.

Geologists in California said this week that the southern end of the San Andreas fault near Los Angeles appeared to be under enormous stress that could produce a massive earthquake at any moment. LA city officials responded immediately, sending a team of experts skilled in massage therapy, biofeedback, creative visualization, craniosacral balancing, and neurolinguistic programming to the site. “We’ll give this effort several months,” said a senior LA official.  “If it doesn’t work, then we’ll have to go to more extreme measures, such as reinforcing structural supports on some of our most vulnerable buildings.”

In Washington, the Senate spent the week debating proposals relating to the conflict in Iraq.  The body soundly rejected a motion to brand all Republicans “warmongers” and passed by 54-46 a resolution calling Democrats “craven and cowardly.”  “It was a serious and thoughtful session,” said majority leader Sen. Bill Frist, “conducted as always in a spirit on bipartisanship.”

At home, a proposal by Massachusetts State Senator Jarrett Barrios to ban Fluff in schools provoked deep consternation among his legislative colleagues.  “First we ban Fluff in education, then we ban it in the courts, and then -- who knows -- we ban it in the State House,” said one Democratic lawmaker.  “We could all be out of jobs.”

Sen. Edward Kennedy reversed his position on a plan to give the Massachusetts governor approval rights over the construction of a wind farm on Nantucket Sound after new polling data indicated that some gubernatorial candidates favorable to the project had a chance of being elected in November.  Instead, Kennedy proposed giving veto power to the Coast Guard.  “I’ve got pretty good leverage over their budget,” Kennedy said.  “I’m sure they’ll make the right decision.” Meanwhile, Kennedy seized upon a report from a national panel of scientific experts that this week concluded a chart showing a sharp temperature rise during the late 20th century was most likely correct. “When will these Republicans ever learn?” demanded Kennedy before a cheering crowd of environmentalists. “If we want to stop global warming, we must all do whatever we can to support clean, renewable energies.”

In sports, former Boston Red Sox players, including pitcher Paxton Crawford, held a press conference yesterday to discuss their alleged use of steroids while they were playing the game.  In a tragic turn of events, the five men became stuck in a corridor leading to the media room, their heads wedged between the ceiling and two walls. Firefighters released the men after an hour using the jaws of life, at which point the players met with reporters and television crews to deny that they had ever used the illegal substances.

Finally, the Menino administration announced today that Thomas M. Menino would be leaving his post July 1 to pursue a career in public speaking.  Menino’s departure is the latest in a string of recent high-level exits that include Press Secretary Seth Gitell, Chief of Staff Merita Hopkins, Superintendent of Schools Thomas W. Payzant, Police Commissioner Kathleen O'Toole, Fire Commissioner Paul A. Christian, and Commissioner of Public Works Joseph Casazza. The Administration assured reporters that the latest departure should not be cause for concern.  “All of us here at City Hall are committed, enthused and engaged in the work of the people of the City of Boston,” said a spokesman. Administration officials said that they would immediately undertake a nationwide search for a replacement to Menino, to be run in conjunction with the nationwide searches currently in process for replacements to Gitell, Hopkins, Payzant, O’Toole, Christian and Casazza. Until a replacement is found, they said, there would be no acting mayor appointed.  “There really is no need,” said the spokesman. “We’ll get along fine without him.”

Telekinetic Magic Tricks

Telekinetic Magic Tricks
By Giuseppe Alberto

The Levitating Lady

The Effect: The stage is bare but for a rectangular board that is supported on either end by a chair.  The magician selects a female from the audience at random. On stage she lies on the table with her head supported by a pillow. A sheet is draped over her, leaving only her head and feet exposed. After a wave of the magician’s wand, the table slowly rises.  Another wave of the magician’s wand and the table slowly rotates 360 degrees. Then, with a third wave of the wand, the table slowly levitates downward until it again rests on the two chairs.  The sheet is pulled off of the volunteer and she stands, apparently unharmed by the experience.

The Secret:  Much of your success of this trick rests on preparation. The table on which the volunteer will lie should be made of plywood at least one inch thick and you must cut it exactly two feet by six feet.  You should then tack a layer of soft foam cushioning upon it, after which you should cover it with either vinyl or leather. The two chairs need to be sturdy and capable of bearing the weight of the table and a volunteer. You must position the chairs on stage so they do not tip over when weight is applied and yet they do not interfere with the upward movement of the table during the execution of the trick.

The volunteer is not truly selected at random. It is best to have someone under 5’5” and less than 130 lbs.  Otherwise, there is a danger of the table sagging or -- worse -- the volunteer rolling off.  As the volunteer lies down, you should steady the table and chairs. Once the sheet is over the volunteer’s body, the remainder is simple. Your flourishes with the wand are for effect only (and you should feel free to add other gestures that may further enhance the mood). To levitate the table upward, use your telekinetic powers to grasp the table, lift it directly upward, and then slowly rotate it around.  After appropriate “oohs” and “aahs” from the audience, lower the table.  That’s it! Help the volunteer off the table and then bask in the sustained applause.

The Disappearing Card

The Effect: The magician takes a deck of cards from his pocket and invites two volunteers up to the stage.  He cuts the deck in two, hands each volunteer one-half, and asks each to examine the cards and count them. The two numbers add to 52, proving it is a regular deck. The magician then spreads the cards facedown on the table, turns around and asks the volunteers to select one, show it to the audience, and then place it off to the side facedown by itself. The magcician turns back, gathers the rest of the deck, and stacks it directly on top of the selected card.  He then asks the volunteers to take turns shuffling the deck.  When done, the deck is placed back down.  The magician covers the deck with his hands, mutters an incantation, removes his hands with a flourish and asks the volunteers to find their card.  They cannot.  He then asks them to count the cards.  They add to 51.  He then directs the volunteers back to their seats. Then, almost as an afterthought, he asks one of the volunteers to reach under his seat.  There, on the floor, is a playing card.  He asks the volunteer to show the card to the audience.  It is, in fact, the missing card.

The Secret: Minimal preparation is required for this trick.  Rather, its success lies in its timing. The deck is in fact an ordinary deck and no rigging is necessary.You execute the trick as described.  However, once the card is chosen and immediately after you place the remainder of the deck on top of it, you must then act quickly. This is the only time when you will know precisely where the chosen card is. At that exact moment, teleport the card to the floor underneath one of the volunteer’s chairs (it usually shouldn’t matter which one, unless one is particularly exposed to the audience’s view -- you don’t want audience members noticing the card until the trick’s denouement). Then, pick up the deck and give it a quick cut before handing it to the volunteers to be shuffled.  That way, they will not be able to see that the bottom card (which should be their selected card) is no longer there. Proceed with the remainder of the trick as described.  If done correctly, the trick is baffling and will provoke cries of amazement.

The Bleeding Body

The Effect: This is truly one of the most startling tricks ever developed for the stage.  A volunteer comes to the stage and steps into a wooden “coffin.”  The door on its surface is shut and the magician then takes out five swords, which he invites three members of the audience to come on stage and inspect.  He then takes the swords, asks the volunteers to identify where he should shove the sword in and then does so, in exactly the spot indicated, with the end of the sword coming out on the other side.  As he does so, we hear muffled cries from within the box and blood drips on stage from the box.  The magician then asks the three volunteers to help pull out the swords. He then opens the door.  The volunteer within the “coffin” emerges unscathed and unbloodied.

The Secret: You should construct the coffin-like box with thin plywood; the door should swing easily on a set of three hinges.  It should have a wooden top but no bottom, so as to allow “blood” to flow out.  In addition, the magician needs to have secreted offstage a tape recorder on which he has previously recorded -- five times -- gasps or cries of pain.  The swords can be purchased from any fencing supply store and the ends need to be sharpened to ensure easy penetration.  Finally, the magician needs to have secreted in a false panel of the box a bag of blood.  This can be purchased from any blood bank.

Execution of the deck requires great skill. As you plunge each sword into the box, you need to shift the portion of the sword that is inside the box into another dimension (which dimension is of your choosing) and then, as the end of the sword emerges from the box, shift that portion back into your own dimension. As the first or second sword is shoved in, direct its course so that it pierces the bag of blood.  As it leaks, it will create the illusion that the volunteer inside is “bleeding.” Finally, as each sword is plunged into the box, use your mental powers to press “play” on the tape recorder, so that one of the prerecorded gasps or cries is heard.  Make sure to mentally press “pause” after each one, so that you have one sound effect for each sword that is used.

Finally, as the volunteers remove the swords, bring each portion of the sword back into your own dimensional space as it is being pulled from the box.  This requires practice, since if your timing is off you may rematerialize the sword too late (thereby destroying the illusion that the sword itself is solid) or, too early (in which case the sword could rematerialize inside the volunteer's body, creating severe injury).  The effort involved in this trick is considerable, but is worth it. Oftentimes at its conclusion audiences will stand in applause, and hence it is recommended this be the closing trick of your act.

Be sure to purchase the other books in the series “Secrets of the Magicians” by Giuseppe Alberto, including Volume 2 (“Telepathic Magic Tricks”) and Volume 3 (“Psychic Magic Tricks”).

The Week in Review

In a stunning blow to the US economy, schools, shops, and cities across the country closed this week as Americans by the millions became completely absorbed in the World Cup games.  Officials at the Federal Reserve said the impact would be enormous, and revised downward their growth projections for the year to an anemic 0.5 percent. “That’s OK, though,” said one central banker, “because, thanks to the World Cup, people everywhere have found something to hope for; they’ve found respect. That’s more than a fair trade for a lost job.”

Meanwhile, President George Bush appeared at a press conference to announce that the war in Iraq had stopped. “In one day, soccer has achieved more than the politicians -- or even Condoleezza Rice -- ever could,” the President said. ”We thought that by overthrowing a dictator, sacrificing more than 2500 American lives and helping to install a democracy in the Mideast, we could change everything. If only we had listened to the ad -- ‘one game changes everything.’ Game -- not war. Ughh. I feel like such an idiot.” At Bush's direction, the Pentagon immediately announced its new “Balls Not Bombs,” program, under which fighter jets would drop soccer balls, rather than laser-guided smart bombs, on suspected areas of insurgent activity. “With the terrorists busy trying to master ravelinos, beardsleys and step-overs, we figure they won’t have any time left for suicide bombings,” said an assistant secretary of defense.

In a related development, documents seized from the hideout of dead terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi show that Al Qaeda was plotting to ensnare the United States in a war with Iran, delighted Iranian officials told reporters yesterday. “The materials make it clear that al-Queda was trying to get the US into a fight with Iran,” said a high-level Iranian official. “Listen to this: ‘The best solution is to get America involved in a war against another country,’” he said, quoting directly from one of the recovered documents. “While the United States has been leading world efforts against Iran, all along it has been playing into the terrorists’ hands,” he added. “Now, could you please just leave us alone to develop our nuclear capabilities as we see fit?” Other Iranian officials added that, if the al-Zarqawi documents weren’t sufficient to cause America to back down, they expected similar and even more forceful documents would be found in other terrorists’ hideouts.  “Not that we know for sure, of course,” said one Iranian source. “We’re just guessing.”

At home, the White House blamed marriage-minded gays and lesbians for three suicides this week at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba. “As we have stressed over and over, gay marriage undermines society,” said staffer. “The deaths in Guantanamo underscore just how critical it is that Congress adopts the Defense of Marriage Constitutional Amendment.” Officials warned that until the amendment passes, the country would experience a series of crises, including unchecked immigration across its southern borders, a mounting death toll in Iraq, and a rapid climb in the price of gasoline.

Across the nation, thousands of people began their annual migration southwards this week to celebrate the arrival of this year’s hurricane season. The collection of ne’er-do-wells, scamsters, and con artists seemed confident that year year’s storms could bring them even greater wealth than last year. “Last year I managed to score 70 days in Hawaii,” said one con artist who had just taken a short-term lease in a Gulf Coast apartment building in anticipation of Tropical Storm Alberto.  “This year, I’m looking for a cruise around the world.” For their part, FEMA officials said they were readying hundreds of thousands of debit cards and were fully prepared to pay for divorces, season’s football tickets, and sex-change operations. Congressional investigators, who Wednesday released a report detailing $1.4 billion in bogus claims from Hurricanes Rita and Katrina, said they supported the administration’s efforts. “The last thing we want is for anyone to thing we don’t care,” said one.

Finally, Microsoft announced that it had eased out co-founder and chairman Bill Gates from day-to-day responsibility at the Redmond, WA, company. “Quite frankly, we’re a 40-billion-dollar business that’s being run by a clone of Alfred E. Newman,” said one senior official. “It’s time we had a grown-up in charge.” Gates will still have an office at headquarters, however. “Melinda insisted on that,” said the official. “She doesn’t want him at home all day, worrying about his charities and wondering whether he’ll ever be able to get to hang out with Bono again.” In addition, Gates is working with one major studio on plans for a sitcom, scheduled for fall 2007. Tentatively titled, “The New Adventures of Leave It to Beaver,” it would star Gates as the Beaver.

Movie Proposal

To:        JD
From:    DJ
Re:        Movie Concept
Date:     Feb 6, 2005

FG has bold concept for new flick. Lifestory with a twist.  Open with farm couple finding baby in some wreckage on a field. But – get this – kid is unhurt! Grows up.  Kid has – and I know this sounds bizarre – unusual powers. Shoot bullets at him – they bounce off! He’s strong – can lift cars, even trains!   Even better – and I know this is out there – the kid can fly! Not with wings or flapping his arms – he just goes where he wants, and fast – faster than a speeding bullet!

Backstory?  We’re still working on it.  LD thinks genetic mutation. VT says experiment gone awry.  PL has real out-there concept. Kid from another technologically-advanced planet (Encrypton?), blows up, sent to Earth, but our sun has special properties that give him the unusual powers. Big problem: Do those powers go away at night?   Don’t know. Also, immigration status unresolved.

Basic plot: kid wants to use his power to be a hero. Stop crime, save people. But worried that he’ll never lead an ordinary life.  So he lives by day as a normal man – maybe as a reporter?  TV journalist? Puts on special outfit when he is alter ego. (What do we call him? “Abnormalman?” FD says “Extraordinaryman.” Too many syllables. “Coolman?” “Superman?” “Niftyman?” “Marvelousman?”  We’ve got a focus group testing names.) How come people don’t recognize him?  As ordinary man, he wears glasses. No one will ever know.

You see where we’re going on this.  Premise is ripe with possibilities.  Does he date?  Do his friends know?  How strong is he? Can anything hurt him? FG says this holds possibility of sequel. I’m skeptical but maybe.

I know this cuts against grain.  Most stuff these days is talky, relationship-driven and focused on everyday problems. I see this as big, loud, and fast paced, with lots of battles and explosions. Never before seen. Does public buy into it? It’s a risk, but if yes, could change movies as we know them. If greenlight, then we can release for summer next year. You in?

The Week in Review

A jubilant George Bush celebrated after US military aircraft killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. “Woo-wee,” the newly energized President told the White House press corps. “Talk about ‘mission accomplished.’  Any other terrorists want to get their bloody faces plastered on the front of the morning newspapers? Bring ‘em on.” Administration staffers confirmed that Bush, who two weeks ago had adopted a more restrained public persona, saying that he had “learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner,” was now back in “full bravado mode.” “No question he had been down, what with the constant bombings, killings, and declines in his popularity,” said one source. “It’s amazing how a quick assassination can really turn around your entire perspective.”

Meanwhile, stock markets this week had their worst performance in a year after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the U.S. economy was starting slow even as he said the Fed needed to step up efforts to keep inflation under control. Confused traders, unsure whether a recession was imminent, inflation was accelerating, or interest rates were climbing, sent the Dow Jones Industrial Average below 11000. It was not the first time a Bernanke statement has roiled stock markets and he held a press conference to issue an apology.  “Having been in academia since 1979, I’ve grown accustomed to being ignored,” Bernanke said. “Now people are actually listening to what I have to say.  It’s going to take some getting used to. Oh, and by the way, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the dollar collapsed over the next three months and short-term interest rates climbed to 20%.”

In local news, Massachusetts Democrats gathered in Worcester last weekend to select nominees for the state’s constitutional offices.  All of the candidates running -- including three for Governor and three for Lieutenant Governor -- got the 15 percent of the vote needed to make it on to the September primary ballot.  “What a relief,” said Chairman Phil Johnston after the voting was over. “For a while there, we feared someone might get knocked off.  Luckily -- as has been the case every year -- no candidates failed to make the cutoff, meaning that, once again, we somehow managed to snooker thousands of people into wasting a Saturday in June.”

Christy Mihos, who is running as an independent for Governor, on Thursday said he had selected Winchester Town Moderator John J. Sullivan to be his running mate. Mihos said he had considered a number of candidates, including a dog catcher in Millis, the assistant manager of a CVS in Amherst, and a Fall River woman who once met him when she was pumping gas at one of his convenience stores on Cape Cod. “But Sullivan’s vast experience in Winchester – which I’m pretty sure is in Massachusetts – and the fact that he didn’t laugh in my face when I asked him to join my team, persuaded me he was the one,” Mihos said.  Political analysts said the choice was inspired. “John Sullivan has extraordinary name recognition,” said one. “Well, not this particular John Sullivan, of course. But all of us probably know someone named John Sullivan. Voters are easily confused.  Odds are, they’ll walk into the voting booth, think it’s the same guy as the one they know and give Mihos a vote.”

Thousands of students and families gathered at the end of the week for commencement ceremonies at area colleges and universities.  At Harvard, Lawrence H. Summers, presiding over his last commencement as the school’s president, warned that the University risks becoming complacent. “There is temptation to elevate comfort and consensus over progress and clear direction,” Summers said in his remarks to graduates.  “Oh, yeah, whatever,” replied a spokesman for the Faculty of Arts and Sciences.

And finally, Bostonians celebrated the opening of the World Cup in Germany by flocking to Fenway Park for weekend games, intensely debating the future of pitcher Matt Clement, worrying about the Bruins’ hiring of Peter Chiarelli as the team’s new general manager and wondering about the merits of the Patriots picking Laurence Maroney and Chad Jackson in the NFL draft.

Transcript of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s Last Moments

[Transcript begins]

Zarqawi:  ...and then we'll behead him. Hey, whose phone is that?

Henchman #1: Mine, Exalted One. I must have forgotten to put it on vibrate. I will do so right ….

Zarqawi: No, that’s OK.  But your ring tone. It just sounds like a regular phone.

Henchman #1: What else should I do, Oh Leader For Whom I Would Be Martyred?

Zarqawi:  You’re kidding me.  There are so many options right now. Songs …

Henchman #2: Listen to this for example. (Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” starts playing.)

Henchman #1: How did you do that?

Henchman #3: Easy. Look here.  Just hit ‘Menu’ and then ‘Downloads.’ Do you see all the choices?

Zarqawi: Songs, sound effects, you can even record your own voice.

Henchman #3: Sure. Listen to mine (We hear “Henchman, get the phone! Henchman, get the …”)

Henchman #1: Allah be praised, Slayer of Innocents! Can I do this to my own phone?

Zarqawi: Sure, give it a try. Put in a sound effect. (Henchman #1 fiddles with his phone.)

Henchman #3: Now test it out.

Henchman #2: What is it?  A whistle?

Henchman #3: A jet flying by, maybe?

Zarqawi: No, I got it. A bomb falling.  Cool.  OK, turn it off, back to work…. off, I said, off…

[Transcript ends]

The Week in Review

The Capitol Police this week foiled a brazen attack by Al Queda aimed directly at Congress.  According to a spokesman for the elite security force, members of Al Queda disguised as workmen entered the Rayburn House Office Building under the pretext of “repairing an elevator.”  Various explosives, disguised as “air guns” or perhaps “jackhammers” went off prematurely and the Police swarmed in quickly, shutting down the building for five hours. “We knew something wasn’t quite right,” said a member of the Capitol Police. “No one ever bothers fixing the elevators around here.” In the confusion, the terrorists were able to escape, leaving behind as decoys a crew of real workmen who had been brainwashed by Al Queda into believing that they actually were there to work on the elevators.

In Texas, a jury convicted former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling on multiple counts of fraud, conspiracy and bank fraud. Asked to explain the verdict, one juror said, “Ken Lay -- You can’t convict just one.” The men said they were “shocked” at the result. “If we learned anything from the trials of OJ and Michael Jackson, it’s that if you spend enough money, you’ll get off,” Lay said. “Where did we go wrong?”

Meanwhile, the administration of George W. Bush was shaken Tuesday when the Brookline, MA, Town Meeting voted 104 to 52 to impeach the President. The fact that Brookline, long regarded as a bell-weather of the national mood, took such drastic action did not bode well for Bush, said local Democrats.  “A decade ago, Brookline voted against pledging allegiance to the flag because it was coercive,” said one town meeting member. “And in 2004 Bush only got 19 percent of our vote. So you see, this really matters.”

In local news, state Democrats prepared to meet in Worcester this weekend for their nominating convention, which this year has been fraught with controversy.  Delegates were reportedly torn over whether to attend to Friday night’s “pool caucus” at 10:00 PM, sponsored by the Boston Billiard Club, which included “an hour of free pool (with your credentials), great drinks and delicious food” or the MassEquality Social, also at 10:00 PM, with “free Hors D'oeuvres, DJ, and cash bar.”  Both groups have been aggressively courting the delegates, calling them at home and running television advertisements for their respective events. The conventioneers also will be picking nominees for governor, lieutenant governor, and other statewide offices.

In a related development, the Coca-Cola Company saw a surge in job applications after this week’s release by Democratic candidate Deval Patrick of his 2005 financial statements.  According to the documents, Patrick received $3.1 million in severance payments after having been employed by Coca-Cola for just four years.  “I don’t really want to work there,” said one job applicant. “I’m just hoping to get fired.”

And finally, Massachusetts legislators are proposing to ban all conversation in automobiles. The new restrictions come in the wake of research by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety into the dangers of cell phones. “Initially, people assumed that the problem with using a cell phone while driving was the holding of the phone and the dialing of the phone, but now the body of research is suggesting that the conversation itself is the major distraction,” according to Russ Rader of the Institute. State legislators said they thought the prohibition was needed and would not impose a significant burden on drivers. “Most married couples hardly speak anyway,” said one state legislator.  “In addition, we think there’s a real upside for motorists. The kids would no longer be allowed to constantly ask, ‘Are we there yet?’ And back-seat driving would also be curtailed.”

Baby Names

Eltham (walking into a restaurant): Hey Aldie, Opequon, and Shiloh. Who else has shown up?

Opequon: Darbytown’s in the bathroom and Rappahannock just went to get a drink.  Philippi and Canifex should be arriving any minute.

Eltham: Great. (to Shiloh) So, you arranged this get-together.  What’s the big surprise?

Shiloh: I’m pregnant! Namozine and I are going to have a baby! In August!

Everyone: Wow!

Aldie: Brad and Angelina -- I mean, your Mom and Dad -- must be thrilled.

Shiloh: Oh, yeah. We were having dinner with Trevilian, Staunton and Wauhatchie and they came in and I told them.  They’re already thinking up names. Murfreesborough, Donelson, Sumter…

Opequon: Chustenahlah, Gettysburg, Buffington … there’re just so many possibilities.

Aldie: How about Chusto-Talasah, Killdeer, Averasborough?

Eltham: Or Glasgow, Byram or Chickasaw?

Shiloh: Yeah, but we were kind of thinking of …

Opequon: Antietam? Paducah?

Shiloh (tentatively): Well, if it’s a girl we were thinking Mary, or perhaps John for a boy.

Aldie: You mean, like short for Marietta or Johnsonville.

Shiloh: No.  Just Mary or John.

Aldie: What kind of names are those?

Eltham: Yeah, they’re new to me.

Shiloh: That’s what makes them so neat. They’re not your typical Totopotomy, Dandridge, or Hampton. They’re different -- they're old-fashioned names like Bill or Sally or Cindy.

Opequon:  I hope you haven’t told this to your parents.

Aldie: It just seems so irresponsible. And think of your poor kid, being mocked and teased at school, just for not being named after a Civil War battle.

Eltham: There really ought to be a law….