The Capitol Police this week foiled a brazen attack by Al Queda aimed directly at Congress. According to a spokesman for the elite security force, members of Al Queda disguised as workmen entered the Rayburn House Office Building under the pretext of “repairing an elevator.” Various explosives, disguised as “air guns” or perhaps “jackhammers” went off prematurely and the Police swarmed in quickly, shutting down the building for five hours. “We knew something wasn’t quite right,” said a member of the Capitol Police. “No one ever bothers fixing the elevators around here.” In the confusion, the terrorists were able to escape, leaving behind as decoys a crew of real workmen who had been brainwashed by Al Queda into believing that they actually were there to work on the elevators.
In Texas, a jury convicted former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and
Jeffrey Skilling on multiple counts of fraud, conspiracy and bank fraud.
Asked to explain the verdict, one juror said, “Ken Lay -- You can’t convict just one.” The men said they were “shocked” at the result. “If we learned anything from the trials of OJ and Michael Jackson, it’s that if you spend enough money, you’ll get off,” Lay said. “Where did we go wrong?”
Meanwhile, the administration of George W. Bush was shaken Tuesday when the Brookline, MA, Town Meeting voted 104 to 52 to impeach the President. The fact that Brookline, long regarded as a bell-weather of the national mood, took such drastic action did not bode well for Bush, said local Democrats. “A decade ago, Brookline voted against pledging allegiance to the flag because it was coercive,” said one town meeting member. “And in 2004 Bush only got 19 percent of our vote. So you see, this really matters.”
In local news, state Democrats prepared to meet in Worcester this weekend for their nominating convention, which this year has been fraught with controversy. Delegates were reportedly torn over whether to attend to Friday night’s “pool caucus” at 10:00 PM, sponsored by the Boston Billiard Club, which included “an hour of free pool (with your credentials), great drinks and delicious food” or the MassEquality Social, also at 10:00 PM, with “free Hors D'oeuvres, DJ, and cash bar.” Both groups have been aggressively courting the delegates, calling them at home and running television advertisements for their respective events. The conventioneers also will be picking nominees for governor, lieutenant governor, and other statewide offices.
In a related development, the Coca-Cola Company saw a surge in job applications after this week’s release by Democratic candidate Deval Patrick of his 2005 financial statements. According to the documents, Patrick received $3.1 million in severance payments after having been employed by Coca-Cola for just four years. “I don’t really want to work there,” said one job applicant. “I’m just hoping to get fired.”
And finally, Massachusetts legislators are proposing to ban all 
conversation in automobiles. The new restrictions come in the wake of
research by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety into the dangers of cell phones. “Initially, people assumed that the problem with using a cell phone while driving was the holding of the phone and the dialing of the phone, but now the body of research is suggesting that the conversation itself is the major distraction,” according to Russ Rader of the Institute. State legislators said they thought the prohibition was needed and would not impose a significant burden on drivers. “Most married couples hardly speak anyway,” said one state legislator. “In addition, we think there’s a real upside for motorists. The kids would no longer be allowed to constantly ask, ‘Are we there yet?’ And back-seat driving would also be curtailed.”