Divine Help

R: Lord?

G: APPROACH AND BE HEARD, MY CHILD.

R: It’s time to go through the day’s prayers.

G: THINK YOU THE ALMIGHTY KNOWS NOT THAT THE HOUR OF REVIEW IS AT HAND?

R: Of course, Your Worship. Look, I’m swamped today.  Could we cut out the imperiousness?

G: IF THOU WISHEST IT.

R: And, King of Nations, please, I’m right here. There’s no need to shout.

G: Oh, sorry.  What have you got?

R: First off is “War and Peace.” The prayerbag is stuffed with this one.  Let’s see. There’s Iraq, of course.  North Korea worries many.  Somalia’s a mess – apparently people are rioting in Baidoa.  Oh, here’s a new one: Lebanon. The Israel army crossed the border after Hezbollah…

G: Yes, yes.  Look, I can’t get involved.  I promised them free will, they got free will. “With freedom comes responsibility,” I always say, and…

R: I know, Mine Holy One, and I’ve always thought that a great saying.  But so many of these prayers are from innocents.  They didn’t ask…

G: We’ve been through this before, Raphael.  Next.

R: “Weather,” Holy One.  Apparently it’s warm down there. People on the west coast of North America are dying from the heat.  Europe is hotter than it’s been for several centuries.

G: Well, that’s an inconvenient truth.

R: Pardon me?

G: Just a little joke. Anyway, I think this one treads close to free will. This is of their own making, you know.  And “with freedom comes responsibility…”

R: Yes, Rock of the Ages, but…

G: Very well.  Send a little breeze.  Not much of one, though.  Just enough to take the edge off.  I don’t want The Wall Street Journal’s editorial page getting all cocky if things cool down too much.

R: Consider it done.  Now we’ve got “Personal Requests.” A woman wants a new sofa.  We’ve got a gentleman who promises to believe if you’ll only … oops, the moment passed. I think he’s back to being an atheist.  And here we’ve got a 7-year-old…

G: Raphael, I am The Light, The Rock, The Maker of All Things. I just don’t have time to go through every little item, not when there’s an entire universe to take care of.  What, these humans think they’re the only ones around who need my attention?

R: You are of course right, He Who Is Above All.

G: Send these down to the angels, let them figure out what to do. Anything else?

R: “Sports,” Father of Glory.

G: Oh please. I thought we had sworn off sports after the 2004 Red Sox.

R: Yes, for the most part.  But there is one of interest here, Blessed and Only Potentate. A competitor in the Tour de France. It’s a bike race…

G: I KNOW IT’S A BIKE RACE! THEY DON’T CALL ME “ALL KNOWING” FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW!

R: Yes, Lord of Hosts.  I’m sorry. Anyway, the body of one competitor – Floyd Landis – is failing. He desperately needs help in the 17th stage of the race. A little assistance and he could win the whole thing.  It would be quite dramatic – an inspiration to the entire world.

G: I’m not going to reach out a finger and push his bike along, you know. It would be far too obvious.

R: Of course not, Eternal Creator. Well, I guess that’s about it…

G: Wait.  Perhaps there is something I could do. 

R: Yes, Everlasting One?

G: There, I just did it.

R: What?

G: A little tweak to his pituitary gland.  I increased its production of luteinizing hormone. That in turn will pump up the amount of testosterone in his body.  Tomorrow he should wake up and be almost superhuman.  Nothing will faze him.

R: Will it work?

G: Of course it will work. And it’s all natural too.  “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” you know. Hee-hee-hee. No one will ever catch on.