Tom Keane

Divine Help

R: Lord?

G: APPROACH AND BE HEARD, MY CHILD.

R: It’s time to go through the day’s prayers.

G: THINK YOU THE ALMIGHTY KNOWS NOT THAT THE HOUR OF REVIEW IS AT HAND?

R: Of course, Your Worship. Look, I’m swamped today.  Could we cut out the imperiousness?

G: IF THOU WISHEST IT.

R: And, King of Nations, please, I’m right here. There’s no need to shout.

G: Oh, sorry.  What have you got?

R: First off is “War and Peace.” The prayerbag is stuffed with this one.  Let’s see. There’s Iraq, of course.  North Korea worries many.  Somalia’s a mess – apparently people are rioting in Baidoa.  Oh, here’s a new one: Lebanon. The Israel army crossed the border after Hezbollah…

G: Yes, yes.  Look, I can’t get involved.  I promised them free will, they got free will. “With freedom comes responsibility,” I always say, and…

R: I know, Mine Holy One, and I’ve always thought that a great saying.  But so many of these prayers are from innocents.  They didn’t ask…

G: We’ve been through this before, Raphael.  Next.

R: “Weather,” Holy One.  Apparently it’s warm down there. People on the west coast of North America are dying from the heat.  Europe is hotter than it’s been for several centuries.

G: Well, that’s an inconvenient truth.

R: Pardon me?

G: Just a little joke. Anyway, I think this one treads close to free will. This is of their own making, you know.  And “with freedom comes responsibility…”

R: Yes, Rock of the Ages, but…

G: Very well.  Send a little breeze.  Not much of one, though.  Just enough to take the edge off.  I don’t want The Wall Street Journal’s editorial page getting all cocky if things cool down too much.

R: Consider it done.  Now we’ve got “Personal Requests.” A woman wants a new sofa.  We’ve got a gentleman who promises to believe if you’ll only … oops, the moment passed. I think he’s back to being an atheist.  And here we’ve got a 7-year-old…

G: Raphael, I am The Light, The Rock, The Maker of All Things. I just don’t have time to go through every little item, not when there’s an entire universe to take care of.  What, these humans think they’re the only ones around who need my attention?

R: You are of course right, He Who Is Above All.

G: Send these down to the angels, let them figure out what to do. Anything else?

R: “Sports,” Father of Glory.

G: Oh please. I thought we had sworn off sports after the 2004 Red Sox.

R: Yes, for the most part.  But there is one of interest here, Blessed and Only Potentate. A competitor in the Tour de France. It’s a bike race…

G: I KNOW IT’S A BIKE RACE! THEY DON’T CALL ME “ALL KNOWING” FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW!

R: Yes, Lord of Hosts.  I’m sorry. Anyway, the body of one competitor – Floyd Landis – is failing. He desperately needs help in the 17th stage of the race. A little assistance and he could win the whole thing.  It would be quite dramatic – an inspiration to the entire world.

G: I’m not going to reach out a finger and push his bike along, you know. It would be far too obvious.

R: Of course not, Eternal Creator. Well, I guess that’s about it…

G: Wait.  Perhaps there is something I could do. 

R: Yes, Everlasting One?

G: There, I just did it.

R: What?

G: A little tweak to his pituitary gland.  I increased its production of luteinizing hormone. That in turn will pump up the amount of testosterone in his body.  Tomorrow he should wake up and be almost superhuman.  Nothing will faze him.

R: Will it work?

G: Of course it will work. And it’s all natural too.  “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” you know. Hee-hee-hee. No one will ever catch on.

US Tour de France Team Tests Positive for Wheaties

The International Cycling Union said today that the entire American team competing in the Tour de France had tested positive for Wheaties.

Wheaties, a grain-based product known on the street as the “breakfast of champions,” is allegedly used by many elite athletes to boost their performance. Among those believed to have taken it are Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, tennis champion Chris Evert, and basketball player Michael Jordan. The product contains a potent mix of performance-enhancing substances, including trisodium phosphate, zinc, niacinamide, sodium ascorbate, pyridoxine hydrochloride, riboflavin, thiamin mononitrate, and folic acid.

“It’s a sad day for sports and for the bicycling community,” said a spokesman for the ICU, who accused the Americans of an “overweening desire for victory at any costs.” In addition, the spokesman said, the athletes were likely motivated by a desire “to have their picture on the front of the Wheaties package.” Meanwhile, French officials denied claims by the American team that its riders had consumed large quantities of Muesli -- a product reputed to have many of the same performance-enhancing qualities as Wheaties -- prior to each day’s race. “Our riders would never attempt to take unfair advantage,” said a team member.

Big Dig Tunnel Reopens to Some Traffic

State highway officials today reopened the I-90 connector tunnel to some vehicles, including buses, trucks and SUVs. The tunnel was closed a week ago after a concrete ceiling panel fell, crushing a car and killing one motorist. “The tunnel isn’t much safer,” said a spokeswoman for the Massachusetts Highway Department, “But we think larger motor vehicles -- with their reinforced ceilings and stronger cabs -- should be able to protect their occupants in the event of another collapse.” 

The state’s decision comes after an analysis conducted by Bechtel Corporation, the principal contractor for the Big Dig, which showed that the risk of harm to passengers increased dramatically when driving smaller cars.  “Sedans, hybrid cars and cheap SUV-wannabees aren’t going to keep you safe when the concrete comes down,” said the Bechtel report.  “But a well-made, solid behemoth will.”

Massachusetts Turnpike officials said they were relieved by the news.  The closing of the connector had cost the authority hundreds of thousands in lost revenue from tolls. “In addition, trying to fix the ceilings was proving an expensive proposition,” said a spokesman. “As government officials, we take seriously our responsibility for wisely spending tax dollars. Replacing an costly ceiling that was only three years old just didn’t make sense -- and remember, despite the fact that millions have used the tunnel, it’s only fallen once. Those aren’t bad odds.”

Others cheered the news as well.  Local automobile dealers said they expected to see a spike in sales, as owners of smaller cars purchased SUVs. “In a way, I think this accident may prove to be a blessing,” said one dealer. “It will stimulate sales, provide a boost to our economy and generate jobs. If you think about it, that’s not a bad trade-off for just one life lost.”

July 7 Week in Review

North Korea celebrated America’s Independence Day in spectacular fashion by launching seven ballistic missiles, including a long-range Taepodong-2 which failed shortly after its launch. “Ooh!,” said the United States, Russia, and Japan as they watched the display of pyrotechnics. “Aah!,” said South Korea, Thailand, and Great Britain. “Ohh!,” said India, China, and France.

At home, White House officials expressed outrage after a report in The New York Times revealed the US government has created a new organization entirely dedicated to monitoring and preventing domestic terrorist activity. According to the Times, the organization, which goes by the name of the Department of Homeland Security, was created from 22 separate federal agencies in early 2003 and employs over 180,000 people. The White House refused to confirm or deny the newspaper’s report, but said that the release of confidential information such as this was “deeply damaging” to the War on Terror. Congress quickly passed a resolution condemning the release of the information. “The behavior of The New York Times is nothing short of treasonable,” said a senior member of Congress. “Thanks to its liberal, Democratic owners and editors, terrorists now know we are watching them. They know we’ve deployed formidable resources to track them down and stop them. Heck, they probably even know about the super-secret, color-coded terrorism alert system.”

Meanwhile, after narrowly rejecting a constitutional amendment to ban desecration of the US flag at home, Congress by wide margins approved an amendment banning desecration of the flag in foreign countries.  Members of Congress said they were particularly disturbed by television images of Iranians and Iraqis burning US flags. “I understand that some people in the US think free-speech rights should protect this kind of activity,” said a supporter of the amendment. “But the First Amendment only applies at home. Desecration of our flag by foreigners is simply unacceptable.” The amendment, which still needs to be approved by three-fourths of the states, provides that countries permit their citizens to burn, damage or otherwise harm the flag will be overthrown by the US military.

In New York, the FBI announced it had arrested a number of Islamic jihadists who were plotting to bomb Holland Tunnel in hopes of causing a deluge of water to flood the city’s financial district.  The National Association of Real Estate Developers said the plot underscored the danger America’s rivers and lakes pose to the nation and called for their elimination. “The only way we can defeat the terrorists is to truck in dirt and sand and fill-in all of them,” said a spokeswoman for the organization. “As a bonus, the new sites would make excellent locations for shopping malls.”

New Jersey gamblers expressed relief after Gov. Jon S. Corzine and the state legislature agreed to the terms of a new budget.  The standoff had shuttered casinos in Atlantic City and had disrupted the lives of tens of thousands of gamblers. “It was a horrible experience,” said one. “With the casinos closed down, I no longer had any reason to stay up all night losing my family’s savings.  I started waking up at dawn, going to work and then retiring for bedtime around ten or eleven o’clock.”   News of the casinos’ re-opening was greeted with cheers. “When people start up with this clap-trap about how government doesn’t matter and all it does is waste our money, you can point to this and show them just how important it is,” said one casino owner.

Finally, Spanish bulls expressed regret over injuries to at least seven people – including one that left an American paralyzed – during the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona on Friday. “El Encierro is such an enjoyable festival for us,” said one bull. “We’re rounded up into herds, tormented with whips and fireworks, and forced to run in a panic down blocked off streets while people goad us.  After it’s over, we’re lead into the bullfight ring where we’re painfully slaughtered. So obviously, the fact that so many people were hurt is deeply saddening.  We’re just hoping that the level of injuries isn’t so great that they don’t call it off next year. We sure would hate to see a tradition like this come to an end.”

The Optimists Club

I’ve decided to start a club for optimists.

The first thing I need to do is come up with a name.  I’ve thought about calling it, “The Optimists Club,” but I’m pretty sure that name is taken.  Even if it isn’t, it’s so obvious.  It’s hard to imagine someone else wouldn’t eventually come along and form a different club with the same name.  Then they’d probably sue me -- even though I had it first!  I suppose I could get it trademarked but that would require hiring a lawyer.  They’re pretty expensive and anyway, I’m not sure they’d be much help. I mean, I’ve noticed that almost everyone in court has a lawyer, so I guess they really don’t stop you from getting sued.

I’ll wait on the name. 

Meanwhile, I have to find members.  Suppose no one joins?  That would be pretty embarrassing. After all, what is a club without members?  Pretty much an organization that does nothing.  And no one wants to join an organization that does nothing.  I can just see myself, walking up to someone on the street. 

“Hey, want to join my club?”

“How many members do you have?”

“Well, none.”

“Then forget it.”

Not that I’d ever walk up to people on the street and ask them to join.  They’d look at me as if I was crazy. 

“What’s he want, money?”

“Let’s avoid him, Marge, let’s go to the other side of the street.”

Or worse, they might scream for the police or even hit me. I don’t think I could deal with that.  Probably get my nose broken. I couldn’t breathe; I’d get blood all over my new shirt.  The emergency room would be too crowded, the pain would be awful, and I’d probably end up missing work the next day. How to explain that?

“Boss, I walked up to someone on the street and asked him to join my club and he hit me.” 

“That was pretty stupid. You’re fired.”

Perhaps it would be better just to advertise.  TV? Radio? No, they cost a lot.  Maybe a newspaper.  Those classified ads are pretty cheap. Or even CraigsList. “Now forming.  A club for optimists. Members wanted.  Please call.” Call?  No way.  I’m not giving out my phone number.  You never can tell.  Those direct marketing people might get hold of it, and I’d never have a moment’s peace.  OK.  “Please write” I'll say. That’s better. I won’t give out my address though.  Suppose they show up?  They’d be ringing the doorbell while I’m trying to answer the phone from all those direct marketers. Argh. It makes my head hurt.  I’ll just give them a PO Box.  But that’s so anonymous.  People think it’s a come-on or a scam.  I’d never respond to someone who just gave a PO Box number. I can’t imagine anyone would.

And even if someone did, what would I tell them to do?  Come to a meeting?  When?   Can’t do June.  Everything’s booked up with weddings.  No one wants to meet in summer because they’re all on vacation.  Fall? School schedules mess people up.  November and December are out, what with the holidays and all.  The winter might be OK except that you never know with these snow storms.  People don’t want to go anywhere anyway. It’s too cold. I may as wait until spring.  The days are warmer, there’s no snow, and people are finally coming out of their houses.  But who’d want to go to a meeting on a nice spring day?  No, that won’t work.

Anyway, what would we do? We could approve the minutes, but of course that means I’d have to write them up. What a pain.  Business?  Maybe we could tell optimistic stories -- if we had any, that is.  I mean, I read the papers.  It all seems to be bad news.  Terrorism, crime, car accidents -- suppose someone got hurt driving to a meeting?  I could never forgive myself.  Then there’re those stories of buildings collapsing or catching fire.  That would be horrible. All these poor optimists, dead from some massive structural failure.

Anyway, as I said, I’m starting a club for optimists.

The Pessimists Club

I’ve decided to start a club for pessimists.

I’m going to call it “The Pessimists Club.” It’s a terrific name – brief, clear and to the point.   I think another club is already using the name, which gives me a great opportunity.  I’ll call them up.  We can merge, quickly creating the largest club of its kind in the country. With some hard work and a little luck, we’ll establish chapters in every major city and all 50 states. We’ll have power and influence – and as founder, I’ll be president. It’ll be great!

In truth, the power of this idea – the club for those who always look on the negative side of life – is so incredible that it almost doesn’t need members.  But getting people to join will be easy. Just yesterday I was walking along the street and ran into an acquaintance.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.  What’re you up to?”

“I’m real excited. I just started a club for pessimists.”

“Cool.  Can I join?”

Just like that. 

I’ll charge a membership fee and monthly dues and people will flock in.  I’ve already started talking to a PR firm.  A few well-placed stories and some clever ads on radio and television and I figure we’ll have half a million members in a matter of weeks. And then there’s the web site. It’ll allow us to establish an international presence almost immediately, and why not? America doesn’t have a lock on pessimists.  Why, I bet there are people all around the globe who tend to be gloomy and dismal, who always see the cup half empty. They need a place and there’s no place like The Pessimists Club!

And the meetings! We’ll hold them monthly, although it wouldn’t surprise me if some chapters want them weekly.  And in between we’ll have our own blog and an on-line forum so members will never be far away from each other.  We’ll have the meetings catered of course.  No one wants to be dejected on an empty stomach. We’ll start off with the minutes, which should be terrific themselves because they’ll remind people just how great the last meeting was and so they’ll set the stage for this one.  Then we’ll get into new business.  There’s so much material out there! One of our members might have won the lottery and he’ll tell everyone how tough it is finding good domestic help. Another might talk about how it rained one day on his two-week vacation. A third might tell us about his kid getting into Harvard and Yale and having to figure out which was best. The stories will just keep on coming. We’ll probably keep on going until late in the evening, laughing and bantering and one-upping each other. It’ll be a great time and when we finally end the meeting we’ll all be looking forward to the next one.

Anyway, as I said, I’m starting a club for pessimists.