July 7 Week in Review

North Korea celebrated America’s Independence Day in spectacular fashion by launching seven ballistic missiles, including a long-range Taepodong-2 which failed shortly after its launch. “Ooh!,” said the United States, Russia, and Japan as they watched the display of pyrotechnics. “Aah!,” said South Korea, Thailand, and Great Britain. “Ohh!,” said India, China, and France.

At home, White House officials expressed outrage after a report in The New York Times revealed the US government has created a new organization entirely dedicated to monitoring and preventing domestic terrorist activity. According to the Times, the organization, which goes by the name of the Department of Homeland Security, was created from 22 separate federal agencies in early 2003 and employs over 180,000 people. The White House refused to confirm or deny the newspaper’s report, but said that the release of confidential information such as this was “deeply damaging” to the War on Terror. Congress quickly passed a resolution condemning the release of the information. “The behavior of The New York Times is nothing short of treasonable,” said a senior member of Congress. “Thanks to its liberal, Democratic owners and editors, terrorists now know we are watching them. They know we’ve deployed formidable resources to track them down and stop them. Heck, they probably even know about the super-secret, color-coded terrorism alert system.”

Meanwhile, after narrowly rejecting a constitutional amendment to ban desecration of the US flag at home, Congress by wide margins approved an amendment banning desecration of the flag in foreign countries.  Members of Congress said they were particularly disturbed by television images of Iranians and Iraqis burning US flags. “I understand that some people in the US think free-speech rights should protect this kind of activity,” said a supporter of the amendment. “But the First Amendment only applies at home. Desecration of our flag by foreigners is simply unacceptable.” The amendment, which still needs to be approved by three-fourths of the states, provides that countries permit their citizens to burn, damage or otherwise harm the flag will be overthrown by the US military.

In New York, the FBI announced it had arrested a number of Islamic jihadists who were plotting to bomb Holland Tunnel in hopes of causing a deluge of water to flood the city’s financial district.  The National Association of Real Estate Developers said the plot underscored the danger America’s rivers and lakes pose to the nation and called for their elimination. “The only way we can defeat the terrorists is to truck in dirt and sand and fill-in all of them,” said a spokeswoman for the organization. “As a bonus, the new sites would make excellent locations for shopping malls.”

New Jersey gamblers expressed relief after Gov. Jon S. Corzine and the state legislature agreed to the terms of a new budget.  The standoff had shuttered casinos in Atlantic City and had disrupted the lives of tens of thousands of gamblers. “It was a horrible experience,” said one. “With the casinos closed down, I no longer had any reason to stay up all night losing my family’s savings.  I started waking up at dawn, going to work and then retiring for bedtime around ten or eleven o’clock.”   News of the casinos’ re-opening was greeted with cheers. “When people start up with this clap-trap about how government doesn’t matter and all it does is waste our money, you can point to this and show them just how important it is,” said one casino owner.

Finally, Spanish bulls expressed regret over injuries to at least seven people – including one that left an American paralyzed – during the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona on Friday. “El Encierro is such an enjoyable festival for us,” said one bull. “We’re rounded up into herds, tormented with whips and fireworks, and forced to run in a panic down blocked off streets while people goad us.  After it’s over, we’re lead into the bullfight ring where we’re painfully slaughtered. So obviously, the fact that so many people were hurt is deeply saddening.  We’re just hoping that the level of injuries isn’t so great that they don’t call it off next year. We sure would hate to see a tradition like this come to an end.”