Tom Keane

Pluto No Longer a Dog

The Walt Disney Corporation declared today that Pluto is no longer a dog, downgrading its status to a two-dimensional cartoon character.

Pluto first appeared in 1930 as a sidekick to Mickey Mouse in the cartoon “The Chain Gang.” Originally named Rover, the character did not speak, instead uttering memorable lines such as “Grrr ...” “Snort!” “Sniff, sniff, sniff ...” and “Bark! Bark!” By not anthropomorphizing the character, Disney executives believed they could credibly claim it to be a real canine.  Although some cartoon scientists disagreed, saying Pluto bore little resemblance to actual dogs, most accepted Disney’s assertion and did not object to the company’s characterization.

Over time, however, the discovery of other cartoon dogs posed new difficulties. Characters such as The Jetson’s Astro (“Ruh-ro!” and “Right, Reorge!”) and Scooby-Doo (“Rooby Dooby Doo”) were only partially anthropomorphized, raising questions as to whether an inability to speak should be the defining trait of a dog. If not, cartoon scientists said, the definition of what makes a dog a dog might become so broad that virtually any character -- even one not possessing typical canine characteristics -- could be termed a dog.  The controversy reached its height during a Cartoon Scientists Convention last year when one panelist famously asked, “If Odie is a dog, then why not Hello Kitty?”

“We realize our decision will disappoint some,” said a Disney spokesman. “But from now on, if you want to be a dog, you’ll need fleas, bad breath and have to be taken outside to do your business.  Otherwise, you won’t make the cut.”

Life Imitates Art

I’m walking down the stairs and I turn to look back and I’m walking down the stairs, my legs following my legs by just a fraction of a second.  I look ahead and there I am again, slightly in front of where I am now. I reach bottom and all of my pieces come together. “Whoa,” my wife says.  “For a minute there, you looked just like Nude Descending a Staircase.”

“I felt that way,” I answer.  “Except I’m wearing clothes.” I look at her oval face, framed in black hair.  She’s smiling, but enigmatically so, her pursed lips just barely lifting up at the corners. “So Mona-like,” I think.

“How about lunch?” she asks and we walk into the kitchen. There’s a nice bowl of fruit, artfully arranged just like a Peale (or is it Braque?) sitting right next to a Picasso Compote Dish and Pitcher. I smack my lips when suddenly the whole thing blurs and the objects on the table go flying off, a knife coming towards me, a bottle of water slipping off to the left and the glass dishes floating in mid-air. “Holy Nature Morte Vivante,” I think, my appetite suddenly gone. I never was much a fan of Dali.

We go outside instead. The lake has fogged over like September Morn and I think for a moment I see someone bathing in it but, no, that can’t be and then the sun is out, all purple curves and yellow shards straight out of Lichtenstein. I can see a Wyeth boat in the slip of to our left and I get an impression of some Water Lilies floating nearby. The garden is in full bloom and I bend down to look at a giant O’Keefe which kind of creeps me out.

“Let’s go,” I say and as we are walking down the hill a giant black Calder swoops down, forcing us to duck. We hurry along, coming to a lovely Renoir garden party. We pull up a table and watch the festivities.  Out on the water, a mother and child -- is that Mary Cassat? -- are rowing towards shore. Crowds sit along the bank enjoying the Seurat Afternoon and at a distance I see some dim Matisse figures dancing.

“This isn’t bad,” I think when suddenly the world turns Pollack -- I think it’s Number 27 -- all blacks, whites and yellows. I blink and a little puppy dog is running towards me. “How cute,” I think, looking at its saucer-like eyes. A boy and girl tag along and their eyes too are wide open, their faces cherubic and cheeks blushed. The crowds by the riverbank all look the same, bright and happy, wide-eyed and mop-haired.  I can’t place it. Baldwin? Baker? Or just generic poster art?

I feel nauseous. “Too much cuteness,” I think, desperate for a way to make it go away. I open my mouth, preparing to let forth a wail of despair, hoping a little Munch will take the edge off. But nothing comes out and the world darkens, Starry Night above filled with roiling clouds and my skin begins to crawl.  I look at my arms and they seem covered in fine, black fur. I look at my wife and it seems the same has happened to her. “What’s this?” I ask, reaching out. It’s soft, tactile -- ohmigod, it’s black velvet. I feel my body stiffen and I can no longer move.

A couple comes into view, a man and woman arm-in-arm. “Oh this one’s great,” the man says, looking at my wife and me. He picks us up to examine us, rubbing his fingers over the velvet. “It’ll look terrific under black light,” she says.

“Absolutely,” he answers.  He takes out his wallet and pays.

Amtrak Hails New Airport Restrictions

Amtrak, the National Railroad Passenger Corporation, praised security measures adopted by the nation’s airports in the wake of new terrorist threats. 

After the discovery of a plot to blow up multiple jets in mid-air, passengers on domestic airlines now face two levels of screening, random searches, aggressive questioning, and waits of two to three hours at securty checkpoints.  In addition, passengers are not permitted to bring on board any liquids, including common sundries such as toothpaste, mouthwash, or shampoo. Federal officials have also banned all electronics -- such as laptops, cell phones and IPODs -- on international flights and may well extend the bans to domestic trips.

“Not only are these new measures necessary,” said an Amtrak spokesman, “But we think they should be made permanent.”  Amtrak released a set of suggestions for further security measures that airlines might want to consider, including strip and body cavity searches of all passengers, a mandatory waiting period of 24 hours before passengers arriving at an airport would be permitted to depart, and a ban on any luggage whatsoever. “We would hope that the airlines would never try to cut corners or compromise when it  comes to the safety of the American people,” added the spokesman.

Amtrak noted that it offers train service to virtually all of the destinations served by America’s domestic airlines. “Plus, you can bring anything on board that you want,” said the spokesman, while stressing that Amtrak wished the airlines “all the luck in the world.”

Dear Clara

Dear Clara,

For a long time, I hung out with a group of friends who I thought I knew pretty well.  We were big gang of partygoers and oftentimes I would be the leader of the pack.  Things were great for a while. But just this week, they’ve have changed.  My one-time friends now reject me. They say I’m not the party guy they thought I was and now, it seems, they’ve found someone new.  What should I do?

Mo-Jo from Connecticut

Dear Mo-Jo,

These things happen.  You really have three choices.  One is to try to get back into the good graces of your old friends.  This would involve apologizing and pretending to be more like them -- even when that’s not the way you really feel.  I suspect from your letter that this just isn’t your style. Another possibility is to find a new gang of party-goers with whom you are more comfortable.  Sometimes this is hard because the new group may have a hard time accepting you.  After all, for a long time you were part of someone else’s gang! So if that doesn’t work, you may want to give up party-going altogether. You may find, to your surprise, that parties aren't as popular as they once were and there are a lot of people who would just as soon stay home. These could well become your new best friends.

Dear Clara,

A few nights ago, I was out in a club drinking seltzer water when a bartender called Bernstein secretly added grain alcohol to my drink.  Feeling woozy -- although certainly with no idea why! -- I left and the valet, a fellow by the name of Schwartz, brought up my car.  Unknown to me, he had jiggered with the accelerator. The result was that I ended up speeding and an Officer Rosenberg and his partner Officer Shulman pulled me over. They brought me in to the police station where a Doctor Cohen pretended to administer a Breathalyzer test.  Little did I know, but he falsified the results, using readings from a drunk named Levy who had been brought in earlier in the day. In any event, I got upset.  Do you think I was within my rights?

Mad Max

Dear Max,

What a heavy cross you must bear! The whole thing sounds staged, making you the victim of a conspiracy by rabble-rousers who seem out to get you. You, of course, won’t be the first person undeservedly crucified -- but I’m sure you already know that. Your enemies probably think you’re dead as a result of this trumped-up incident but here’s hoping that, in three days or so, you can push aside this legal boulder and rise above it all.

Dear Clara,

We recently did some redecorating and installed some attractive drop-panel ceilings. Most of our guests -- and we’ve had plenty! -- have been delighted with the look of things.  But then one of the ceiling panels fell and now everyone is saying they no longer want to visit.  What should we do?

Massachusetts Mitt and Matt

Dear MMM,

Well, now I guess we know why they called them “drop-panel”!! Seriously, I wouldn’t worry about this too much.  Memories fade quickly -- indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t find your guests returning already, in greater numbers than ever. You might want to take a look at the other ceiling panels, however. Fixing them shouldn’t be hard -- as long as you’re willing to spend a few dollars more. Perhaps you can persuade your many guests to contribute.

Democrats Teach Republicans a Lesson

Connecticut Democrats yesterday sent a strong message to Republicans and the Bush White House when they refused to nominate incumbent Democrat Senator Joe Lieberman to a fourth term.

The new so-called "self-immolation" strategy marks a profound shift in campaigning, said one political analyst.  “Usually, members of one Party express disagreement with the other Party by trying to defeat members of the other Party. Under this new strategy, they’re now threatening to defeat themselves.”

The new tactics won plaudits from Democrats nationwide. “We showed them,” said one activist, referring to the Republican Party.  “The more they try to rob our freedoms, go to war, and help the rich and powerful, the more we will take out our anger on our own Party.” Democrats said that Lieberman, while perhaps the first, will certainly not be the last to feel their wrath.  “There are 202 Democrats in the House and 44 in the Senate,” said one activist. “Today we are sending a message to Hilary, Harry, Maria, and Nancy: Your jobs are not safe.”

For their part, Republicans said they were intrigued by the Democrats’ new strategy.  “Anything we can do to tick them off further, we’re happy to do,” said a spokesman for the GOP. “More troops in the Mideast? Another cut in the estate tax?  How about more spying by the NSA? All the Democrats need do is let us know what infuriates them the most, and we’ll get it done.”

Descendent

I’ve always thought I was different. For a while there was the royalty fantasy and I remember feeling sure that any day now I’d wake to horses and a carriage in the driveway, ready to take me away to the country I was destined to rule.  Later, coincident with my first comic books, I believed I had super-powers. They were nascent for the time being, but soon, I figured, super-strength, flight and, best of all, X-ray vision would be part of my daily repertoire. And then, of course, there was the alien father thing, which frightened me a bit because I kept wondering when the third arm would suddenly pop out of my back.

It turns out I was wrong about all of these.  Actually, I’m descended from Jesus. Jesus and Mary Magdalene, to be exact.

I got the idea after reading Dan Brown and then, when The Da Vinci Code movie came out, I became increasingly sure.  This was the answer to all of my questions and doubts. And the proof had been right had been in front of me all along.

For example, you know how most people reflexively bow their head when someone says, “Jesus?” I don’t. He’s blood after all.  No need to bow to a kinsman. And then there’s the water and wine thing.  I can drink wine as if it were water. I know it’s not exactly the same as the miracle in the Bible, but it’s close. There’re other things.  Sometimes my palms get itchy, just as if they were once nailed to a cross.  I like to wear sandals, even in cool weather. A few years ago I wore my hair long and for a while had a beard.  Plus, when I think about Jesus, it’s not with some sense of awe and fear like all of those preachers talk about.  Not me.  Instead, whenever I read things like the Sermon on the Mount, I feel like rolling my eyes cause, after all, he’s just my Dad -- or great-great-great-great grandfather a hundred times over, I guess.

Then there’re the miracles. Late one night I was driving fast, a deer ran across the road, I swerved and completely avoided it.  My friend Joe was riding with me. “It’s a miracle you didn’t hit it,” he said.  No kidding.  And this stuff happens all the time. In 2001, for example, I was supposed to drive to Washington DC in October.  A month earlier, planes crash into the World Trade Center. I think -- 30 days difference, take a plane instead of an automobile and make plans to go to LA instead and that could have been me!  But it wasn’t.  Eerie, huh?

So now that I know I’m descended from Jesus I’ve been wondering: What do I do with it?  I thought about becoming a prophet and touring the country telling people what to do, just like Jesus.  It would be kind of cool to have a bunch of disciples and be followed by crowds who thought you were the next coming of Christ … which, in a way, I guess I am.  But I’m not sure I have a lot of great advice to offer.  “Pay your taxes.” “Always slow down for a yellow light.” The problem is that with stuff like “The kingdom of God has come near” and “Love one another even as I have loved you,” Jesus already used the best lines.  Plus, as I think about it, I’m not sure I’d want to risk being crucified or anything.

I’ve also thought about using my powers to do good.  Sometimes it seems to work.  Last week, for instance, I read about a woman who was in critical condition after being in a car accident. “I hope she makes it,” I remember thinking and just yesterday I saw she had been released from the hospital.  I felt good about that, but then over the weekend I was hoping the Iraq war would end and it didn’t so I guess the miraculous powers thing is still a little iffy.

So while I wait for that to sort itself out, I think I’ll just keep quiet about it all. It’s good to know though.  When I'm at work and someone starts berating me for something, I just sit there, smiling smugly and thinking, “So what fool, I’m the son of God.” Or great-great-great-great grandson, actually.  But you know what I mean.

Sticky press conference

G: As you know, several days ago I used the term “tar baby” when describing the situation with the Big Dig to an audience in Iowa.  My use of that expression was inadvertent and, if I gave offense, I’d like to apologize.

Q:  Governor, some have said your use of the term means you’re a closet racist.

G: You know, that really gets my Irish up and I’d like to Scotch that Trash right away.  I’d don’t know which Blackhearts are Jabbering that -- and the Crackers would probably need some Dutch courage to face me – but there’s no Chink in my armor.

Q: What do you say to those who claim you’re insensitive to the plight of minorities?

G: Look Mac, I don’t mean to go Kamikaze on you, but you must think I’m some sort of Cheeseheaded, 51st Stater Border Bunny. Pardon my French, but there’s not a Chinaman’s Chance of my getting Spooked by that kind of Yellow talk.

Q: When the story first broke, what kind of reaction did you get from your donors?

G: The Bubbas here didn’t Welsh on their commitment; they’re not Skinflints trying to Gyp me. Oh, sure, there’re always a few Snake Charmers who Harp on every little Nit -- giving things a wrong Slant, Nipping at your heels saying the Jig is up, convicting me in sort of Kangaroo court. As far as I’m concerned, they can put those Philistines in the Paddy Wagon and send them off to the Boogie Man.

Q: Any final thoughts, Governor?

G: I try to be Spic and Span when I speak, but the Skinny on the Limey language is that it’s easy to Muck up and sometimes can leave you Slackjawed, tied up in a Pretzel looking like a Baboon and feeling like a Pigmy Dough Boy. Hey, I'm only human.

Global warming part of regular pattern, scientists say

As oppressively hot weather blanketed much of the country, a panel of climatologists warned that, far from being unprecedented, the extreme high temperatures are part of a regular cycle of global warming that can be traced far back into Earth’s history.

“Data from geological records and archeological digs suggests that the planet has experienced a regular pattern of global warming and cooling,” the climatologists said. “At their most extreme, temperatures climb to 90 degrees Fahrenheit and even into the 100s, staying that way for a sustained period of time.” According to the scientists, the last period of global warming occurred approximately 365 days ago and lasted for about three months. It was then followed by a period of global cooling that the climatologists said resembled a mini-Ice Age.

The scientists described a bleak scenario where high temperatures are followed by dramatically cooler weather, wreaking havoc on indigenous plant and animal life.  “During the last cycle, many plants died off, for example.  Even the hardiest of trees were affected, with most losing their ability to photosynthesize.” As the cycle proceeded, the scientists continued, temperatures dropped even further, with frozen water covering much of the Northern Hemisphere.  “And then things changed again,” they continued, “with temperatures starting to climb to unbearably high levels.” The warming and cooling cycles are bound to cause enormous stress to the Earth, the scientists cautioned. “We’re not sure how long this can go on without the whole planet just falling apart,” they added.