Tom Keane

On Second Thought . . .

After MIT's embarrassing affair, last week we intercepted this most curious letter.

May 27, 2007
Office of Admissions
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Cambridge, MA 02139-4307

Dear Admissions Committee:

Boy, am I looking forward to freshman year and Cambridge in September. Dad just passed on that you had a touch of controversy over your dean of admissions, Marilee Jones, who, I guess, stretched the truth a bit when she got her first MIT job 28 years ago. I don’t see what the big deal is, but Dad’s a stickler for these kinds of things, and he’s making me write to explain a few small inaccuracies it seems may have crept into my own application.

First, let me note that my biographical information is almost entirely correct. My birth date, for example, is spot on, although Mom now says she doesn’t remember me talking at 2 months, writing at 3 months, or doing probability equations by month 11. Speaking of Mom, she isn’t really a princess. Dad really did work for NASA, but it was the National Association of State Archaeologists. So, when I wrote that one of my most important formative experiences was the month I spent with him on the International Space Station, I trust you’ll understand I meant that figuratively.

Also, many of the activities I list (captain of the Penny Football team, chairman of the Detention Society, president of the Dealcoholized Wine Appreciation Group – I think there were 17 in all) are slightly imprecise. I fully intended to do those things, but I have to say that 24 has been most exciting these last few years, and what with spending my days worrying about Jack Bauer, I just wasn’t able to get around to them all.

One question on the application asked about something I did “simply for the pleasure of it.” I believe I may have recounted the summers I spent in the Democratic Republic of the Congo at the request of President Denis Sassou-Nguesso, teaching kids to read. That may be a little inexact. Strictly speaking, I’ve never been to that country, although I have been receiving e-mails from the niece of a former president there, asking for my help in repatriating millions of government funds.

Another question asked me to describe “something that you have created.” I think I should clarify my answer about my experiments with DNA and human cloning, which undoubtedly must have seemed astonishing to you. In fact, I did help create new human life. However, it was more a consequence of a now much-regretted hot ’n’ heavy with Mary McGurkin after the junior prom, if you know what I mean.

In any event, I’m sure you’ll agree that in the broad scheme of things these errors should matter little, although I have to confess to being a little worried. Still, it gave me great comfort to see that, once Dean Jones admitted her mistakes, you guys looked at her nearly three-decade record, her many accomplishments, and her extraordinary national reputation and said, well, sure, she slipped up long ago, but character and results certainly count for more. She’s been a great dean of admissions for MIT, you said, and we intend to keep her.

That is what you said, right?

Originally published in the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, May 27, 2007.

Pilgrim's progress

The Fortnight That Wasn't

IN A SURPRISE attack, Plimoth Plantation reenactors opened fire on Jamestown reenactors in the latest escalation of a dispute over which settlement was the starting point for freedom and democracy in America. Historians said the conflict was inevitable after Queen Elizabeth II's recent visit to Jamestown appeared to side with the Virginians' claim. As nighttime fell, the terrain was littered with bodies of reenactors from both settlements covered in ersatz blood. "We're not giving up," said one "dead" Jamestown reenactor. "We'll go back to our hotels, wash up, and tomorrow we'll be back in costume, muskets in hand and ready to counterattack."

FEMA announced that it had scheduled a meeting for next week to begin planning how best to help Greensburg, the Kansas town leveled by a massive tornado on May 4. "After that, we'll immediately proceed to interoffice memos, then a task force, and perhaps even to an interagency working group to help coordinate any steps we might take," said a FEMA official. "Why, it wouldn't surprise me if we had field offices set up by August."

In campaign news, Mitt Romney admitted in an interview that his church's past practice of polygamy was "troubling," but also added it had an upside. "There are a lot more Mormons around to vote for me than there might otherwise have been." Meanwhile, Democratic candidate John Edwards appeared at recent campaign events looking disheveled, sporting an uneven and shaggy head of hair. Edwards, criticized for paying $400 to have his hair professionally styled, said he now goes to a local barbershop. The candidate said the switch had given him even greater empathy for the common man and woman. "For a long time I've talked about poverty in America," he said. "Now I know what it really means to be poor -- or at least look that way."

Pro-American Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain said he would resign shortly, to be replaced by anti-American Gordon Brown. Meanwhile, French voters chose pro-American Nicolas Sarkozy to succeed anti-American Jacques Chirac. President Bush said he was happy with the results. "Tony and I had many wonderful adventures together," he said, citing Iraq and Afghanistan. "I'm looking forward to Nicolas joining me on some new adventures as well." In a related development, Bush announced that f rench fries were once again his favorite food but that he no longer was particularly fond of fish-and-chips.

In local news, Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley unveiled a new crime-fighting strategy called "repentance instead of sentence" that would allow criminals to avoid incarceration if they expressed remorse for their actions. In the first example of the new policy, criminal charges were dropped against Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens after they agreed to apologize for bomb scares caused by their Aqua Teen guerrilla marketing campaign. Coakley said that the level of contrition demanded of future lawbreakers would be commensurate with the seriousness of the offense. "One 'I'm sorry' would probably suffice for breaking and entering," she said, " while murder might require an entire day of tearful regrets."

Furious Boston motorists ran red lights, cut off other vehicles, and beeped incessantly at slow-moving traffic upon learning that Boston had ranked only third in a nationwide survey of the worst cities for road rage. Most drivers said that, while disappointed, they would not give up. "Today, we begin our campaign for number one!" exclaimed one driver as he gave the finger to a pedestrian in a crosswalk while speeding through a school zone.

City workers joined Mayor Thomas Menino at a press conference urging the state Legislature to give Boston the authority to increase the meals tax. "Boston desperately needs new revenues to improve salaries . . . uh, I mean, schools," said one worker. "This new money is critical to boosting pensions . . . uh, I mean, public safety," added another.

Finally, in sad news, the Rev. Jerry Falwell died at age 73. Although doctors attributed his death to cardiac arrest, God disagreed, saying that He had killed the fundamentalist preacher. "For years, Jerry has been blaming me for everything from AIDS to the 9/11 terrorists attacks, saying it was some sort of divine retribution," the Deity said. "Quite frankly, I'd had enough."

Published on May 20, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Electing to Leave

Will we ever see political lifers like Kerry and Kennedy again? If Meehan and Travaglini are any sign, not likely.

Lowell congressman Marty Meehan labored for 13 years in relative anonymity, a legislative backbencher in – except for his first year – a minority party. The passage of years (which gave him seniority) and the fortunes of war (which, in turn, changed the fortunes of the Democrats) meant that Meehan found himself this year at the height of power, taking the reins of an influential House Armed Services subcommittee. So what did he do? He announced he was resigning, leaving to become chancellor at the University of Massachusetts at Lowell.

Meanwhile, four years after he became president of the Massachusetts Senate, life looked good for Robert Travaglini. The East Boston lawmaker had effectively consolidated his hold on power, a Democrat had just been elected governor, and Trav seemed to be in the catbird seat. So what did he do? He resigned as well, heading off to open his own lobbying firm.

These are just the latest of the curious cases of the wandering pols: At the peak of their careers, suddenly they’re gone. Embattled House Speaker Tom Finneran left to run a trade group (and now hosts a talk show). Travaglini’s predecessor, Tom Birmingham, practices law. Onetime governor Bill Weld dabbles in law and private equity in New York. His successor, Paul Cellucci, left midterm to become ambassador to Canada, and now he’s – well, does anyone really know?

Many of today’s pols caught the political bug early, influenced perhaps by a relative already in the game or by some chance opportunity to speak out in school (“Better lunches now!”). Something deep in their psyche thrived on the blend of gossip, wonkiness, and a willingness to expose oneself on a public stage that makes for a successful candidate. Whatever it was, people like Meehan and Travaglini spent most of their adult lives singularly focused on climbing the electoral ladder. That makes their departures all the more odd.

Sure, there are explanations for all these folks: Legal troubles or conflicts with family life are common. And then, of course, there’s money. A Massachusetts state rep – many have law degrees – makes around $55,000. First-year lawyers in downtown firms fetch more than $150,000. Young and single pols may not mind the discrepancy, but 10 years on, their pay is about the same, while those first-year lawyers have become partners, earning hundreds of thousands more.

Yet, while money makes for a good explanation, it’s not wholly persuasive. The real problem, I suspect, is this: From the inside, politics isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

To many starry-eyed kids, politicians can appear to be powerful figures: Stalwarts of their communities, these respected individuals get bridges, tunnels, and roads named after them. But reality doesn’t match those perceptions. Politics today is a meaner game than ever before. Government is fragmented – that’s intentional, by the way – and legislators and governors quickly find there’s little of substance that they can do on their own. State budgets are constrained, meaning that any grand new idea comes at the expense of unpalatable higher taxes or cuts in other, equally worthy programs. Moreover, the glory days of The New Deal and The New Frontier are long past. Today, we more frequently think of government as the problem rather than the solution. Indeed, some claim that if you really want to change the world, it’s better to do so through the private or nonprofit sectors – an argument that may well have persuaded Meehan as he contemplated the role that a revived UMass could play in his hometown.

Given all this, it’s easy to understand why so many pols, sick of whining supplicants at their doors, start looking for a way out. And the ways out are many. Successful politicians may not have much substantive knowledge, but they do have connections, and whether you’re a college looking to raise funds or a business worried about new regulations, those connections are worth a lot. That revolving door is disturbing but perhaps inevitable. For the men and women who once thought of government as a calling, the siren song today has far less allure. It makes one wonder: Perhaps we’ll never again see political lifers, a la John Kerry and Ted Kennedy. Then, again, perhaps that’s not all bad.

Originally published in the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, May 13, 2007.

Campaign songs

The Fortnight That Wasn't

IN AN unprecedented display of compassion, America's celebrities reached out to comfort a nation still traumatized by the massacre of 32 at Virginia Tech. Alec Baldwin left messages calling his 11-year-old daughter a "rude pig," Britney Spears promised she would soon write her autobiography, and Bruce Willis and Courtney Love started dating. "Americans have always looked to their celebrities to distract them from the humdrum troubles of their everyday lives," said Rosie O'Donnell, who played her part by quitting "The View." "Today our nation is hurting. Now more than ever America needs us -- and we celebrities are determined to help."

In a related story, Americans said they were appalled when NBC News decided to air a video manifesto produced by Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech shooter. The network's ratings rose to near-record highs with its saturation coverage of the tapes. "This is so offensive," said one disgusted viewer after watching the Cho videos for a fourth time. "I plan to see it once more and then I'm sending off a letter telling NBC just how awful I think they are."

San Francisco authorities said a gasoline tanker truck overturned and erupted into flames, melting a critical portion of a freeway. Sept. 11 conspiracy theorists immediately claimed that was impossible, as burning fuel cannot melt steel, and that in all likelihood the damage was from a bomb planted by various shadowy government secret agencies.

At a South Carolina rally, GOP presidential hopeful John McCain surprised the audience when he sang "Bomb, bomb, bomb / bomb, bomb Iran" to the tune of "Barbara Ann." Republican candidate Mitt Romney immediately responded with his own Beach Boys campaign song, releasing his take on "Fun, Fun, Fun."

Well, we dress up really neat
And don't curse, swear or even say 'damn' now,
Seems we always are about the library,
Gotta get a good job now,
And we never get blasted
'Cause boozing just is never allowed now.
And there's no fun, fun, fun,
'Cause that's just not the LDS way.

Two of the Democratic candidates countered with their own Beach Boys campaign songs, with Barack Obama singing his version of "Help Me Rhonda."

Obama you look so fine,
And you know it wouldn't take much time
For you to help, Obama
Help us get us out of Iraq.
Help, Obama, help, help Obama.
Help, Obama, help, help Obama.
Help Obama, yeah, get us out of Iraq.

Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, focused on her fund-raising prowess with a rendition of "California Girls."

Well, East Coast girls write checks
I really dig the cash they share
And the Southern girls with the dough they have
They hand it out when I'm down there
I wish they all could be Hill-ry Clinton girls

In local news, Governor Deval Patrick said the state would refuse federal funds for abstinence programs after a study found that they had little effect on teens' sexual behavior. "We were stunned," said one analyst. "We thought for sure that one hour a week of telling kids to go slow would easily counteract the highly sexualized messages from radio, television, movies, magazines, and peers that bombard them every moment of their waking lives."

Patrick also quickly claimed credit when new economic statistics showed that the March unemployment rate in Massachusetts was well below that of the nation. However, the governor stressed that the state's projected $1 billion budget deficit was still Mitt Romney's fault.

In sports, a team of specialists who had spent the last decade analyzing the Shroud of Turin arrived in Boston to begin testing of the disputed Stigmata of Schilling, which some devotees believe to be traces of blood shed by the Red Sox savior during a pivotal 2004 playoff game. The experts said their efforts would include an analysis of the fibers of the revered sock, carbon-14 dating, and DNA testing of the faded, rust-colored stigmata itself.
And finally, in sad news, Boris Yeltsin died at age 76. Yeltsin is best remembered as the man who in 1991 clambered atop a tank in Red Square and faced down the remnants of a dictatorial, undemocratic and repressive regime, thereby paving the way for today's dictatorial, undemocratic and repressive regime.

Published on May 6, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.