The Fortnight That Wasn't
IN A SURPRISE attack, Plimoth Plantation reenactors opened fire on Jamestown reenactors in the latest escalation of a dispute over which settlement was the starting point for freedom and democracy in America. Historians said the conflict was inevitable after Queen Elizabeth II's recent visit to Jamestown appeared to side with the Virginians' claim. As nighttime fell, the terrain was littered with bodies of reenactors from both settlements covered in ersatz blood. "We're not giving up," said one "dead" Jamestown reenactor. "We'll go back to our hotels, wash up, and tomorrow we'll be back in costume, muskets in hand and ready to counterattack."
FEMA announced that it had scheduled a meeting for next week to begin planning how best to help Greensburg, the Kansas town leveled by a massive tornado on May 4. "After that, we'll immediately proceed to interoffice memos, then a task force, and perhaps even to an interagency working group to help coordinate any steps we might take," said a FEMA official. "Why, it wouldn't surprise me if we had field offices set up by August."
In campaign news, Mitt Romney admitted in an interview that his church's past practice of polygamy was "troubling," but also added it had an upside. "There are a lot more Mormons around to vote for me than there might otherwise have been."
Meanwhile, Democratic candidate John Edwards appeared at recent campaign events looking disheveled, sporting an uneven and shaggy head of hair. Edwards, criticized for paying $400 to have his hair professionally styled, said he now goes to a local barbershop. The candidate said the switch had given him even greater empathy for the common man and woman. "For a long time I've talked about poverty in America," he said. "Now I know what it really means to be poor -- or at least look that way."
Pro-American Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain said he would resign shortly, to be replaced by anti-American Gordon Brown. Meanwhile, French voters chose pro-American Nicolas Sarkozy to succeed anti-American Jacques Chirac. President Bush said he was happy with the results.
"Tony and I had many wonderful adventures together," he said, citing Iraq and Afghanistan. "I'm looking forward to Nicolas joining me on some new adventures as well."
In a related development, Bush announced that f rench fries were once again his favorite food but that he no longer was particularly fond of fish-and-chips.
In local news, Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley unveiled a new crime-fighting strategy called "repentance instead of sentence" that would allow criminals to avoid incarceration if they expressed remorse for their actions. In the first example of the new policy, criminal charges were dropped against Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens after they agreed to apologize for bomb scares caused by their Aqua Teen guerrilla marketing campaign. Coakley said that the level of contrition demanded of future lawbreakers would be commensurate with the seriousness of the offense. "One 'I'm sorry' would probably suffice for breaking and entering," she said, " while murder might require an entire day of tearful regrets."
Furious Boston motorists ran red lights, cut off other vehicles, and beeped incessantly at slow-moving traffic upon learning that Boston had ranked only third in a nationwide survey of the worst cities for road rage. Most drivers said that, while disappointed, they would not give up. "Today, we begin our campaign for number one!" exclaimed one driver as he gave the finger to a pedestrian in a crosswalk while speeding through a school zone.
City workers joined Mayor Thomas Menino at a press conference urging the state Legislature to give Boston the authority to increase the meals tax. "Boston desperately needs new revenues to improve salaries . . . uh, I mean, schools," said one worker. "This new money is critical to boosting pensions . . . uh, I mean, public safety," added another.
Finally, in sad news, the Rev. Jerry Falwell died at age 73. Although doctors attributed his death to cardiac arrest, God disagreed, saying that He had killed the fundamentalist preacher. "For years, Jerry has been blaming me for everything from AIDS to the 9/11 terrorists attacks, saying it was some sort of divine retribution," the Deity said. "Quite frankly, I'd had enough."
Published on May 20, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears
every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.