The Fortnight That Wasn't
IN AN unprecedented display of compassion, America's celebrities reached out to comfort a nation still traumatized by the massacre of 32 at Virginia Tech. Alec Baldwin left messages calling his 11-year-old daughter a "rude pig," Britney Spears promised she would soon write her autobiography, and Bruce Willis and Courtney Love started dating. "Americans have always looked to their celebrities to distract them from the humdrum troubles of their everyday lives," said Rosie O'Donnell, who played her part by quitting "The View." "Today our nation is hurting. Now more than ever America needs us -- and we celebrities are determined to help."
In a related story, Americans said they were appalled when NBC News decided to air a video manifesto produced by Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech shooter. The network's ratings rose to near-record highs with its saturation coverage of the tapes. "This is so offensive," said one disgusted viewer after watching the Cho videos for a fourth time. "I plan to see it once more and then I'm sending off a letter telling NBC just how awful I think they are."
San Francisco authorities said a gasoline tanker truck overturned and erupted into flames, melting a critical portion of a freeway. Sept. 11 conspiracy theorists immediately claimed that was impossible, as burning fuel cannot melt steel, and that in all likelihood the damage was from a bomb planted by various shadowy government secret agencies.
At a South Carolina rally, GOP presidential hopeful John McCain surprised the audience when he sang "Bomb, bomb, bomb / bomb, bomb Iran" to the tune of "Barbara Ann." Republican candidate Mitt Romney immediately responded with his own Beach Boys campaign song, releasing his take on "Fun, Fun, Fun."
Well, we dress up really neat
And don't curse, swear or even say 'damn' now,
Seems we always are about the library,
Gotta get a good job now,
And we never get blasted
'Cause boozing just is never allowed now.
And there's no fun, fun, fun,
'Cause that's just not the LDS way.
Two of the Democratic candidates countered with their own Beach Boys campaign songs, with Barack Obama singing his version of "Help Me Rhonda."
Obama you look so fine,
And you know it wouldn't take much time
For you to help, Obama
Help us get us out of Iraq.
Help, Obama, help, help Obama.
Help, Obama, help, help Obama.
Help Obama, yeah, get us out of Iraq.
Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, focused on her fund-raising prowess with a rendition of "California Girls."
Well, East Coast girls write checks
I really dig the cash they share
And the Southern girls with the dough they have
They hand it out when I'm down there
I wish they all could be Hill-ry Clinton girls
In local news, Governor Deval Patrick said the state would refuse federal funds for abstinence programs after a study found that they had little effect on teens' sexual behavior. "We were stunned," said one analyst. "We thought for sure that one hour a week of telling kids to go slow would easily counteract the highly sexualized messages from radio, television, movies, magazines, and peers that bombard them every moment of their waking lives."
Patrick also quickly claimed credit when new economic statistics showed that the March unemployment rate in Massachusetts was well below that of the nation. However, the governor stressed that the state's projected $1 billion budget deficit was still Mitt Romney's fault.
In sports, a team of specialists who had spent the last decade analyzing the Shroud of Turin arrived in Boston to begin testing of the disputed Stigmata of Schilling, which some devotees believe to be traces of blood shed by the Red Sox savior during a pivotal 2004 playoff game. The experts said their efforts would include an analysis of the fibers of the revered sock, carbon-14 dating, and DNA testing of the faded, rust-colored stigmata itself.
And finally, in sad news, Boris Yeltsin died at age 76. Yeltsin is best remembered as the man who in 1991 clambered atop a tank in Red Square and faced down the remnants of a dictatorial, undemocratic and repressive regime, thereby paving the way for today's dictatorial, undemocratic and repressive regime.
Published on May 6, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.