Tom Keane

Homeland security

The Fortnight That Wasn't

HOMELAND SECURITY officials announced that they had thwarted yet another potentially devastating terrorist attack on American soil. According to prosecutors, a drunken guy in a New Jersey bar started complaining about his income taxes and said he wished the IRS and even the entire federal government "would just go to hell." Officials trumpeted their investigation as further proof of the Patriot Act's effectiveness. "True, the plot was in the early stages of planning and its success would have required the development of some as-yet unknown technologies," said one of the 25 investigators assigned to the case, "But better that than wake up someday and find pretty much all of Washington has gone to the nether world."

Publishers of thriller novels said they were delighted when a summit between George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin turned antagonistic. "It's just like the old times," said one. "Russia's threatening to point nuclear missiles at Europe, the US is saying it'll erect an anti missile shield, and tensions on all sides are rising." Citing a drop in thriller sales since the collapse of the Soviet Union, another publisher explained, "Readers like stories with glitzy European locales, suave agents, and beautiful women -- not barren deserts, camels and burkas. That's what we got with the Cold War and we're hoping that's what we'll be getting again."

After confirming that he did not have a girlfriend, the White House chose Robert Zoellick to succeed Paul Wolfowitz as head of the World Bank.

In entertainment, viewers of "The Sopranos" were outraged when the series came to a close by setting up a potentially fatal confrontation and then cutting to black, forcing fans to come up with their own ending. "This is deeply unfair," said one subscriber. "I pay good money to HBO to do my imagining for me. Now they're telling me I have to do it by myself."

CBS defended Katie Couric and the evening news show after former anchor Dan Rather accused the network of "dumbing it down, tarting it up" with its focus on celebrity news instead of big issues such as war and peace. "Dumbing it down?" asked an incredulous CBS spokesperson. "The complex pieces we're now doing demand hard-hitting investigative journalism. Does Paris Hilton break in jail? Has she really found a higher purpose in life? And will she continue to cry for her mother whenever things get tough? Wars? Those are easy stories to tell -- guns fire, people die. That's the kind of stuff we leave for "The News Hour."

Closer to home, heterosexual couples who had fled from Massachusetts to New Hampshire in order to protect their marriages said they would be forced to move again after the Granite State approved civil unions for gays. "When Massachusetts started letting gays marry," said one wife, "Our marriage started to fall apart. My husband and I had thought New Hampshire would be our salvation." Since all other New England states have or are considering some recognition of gay relationships, heterosexuals hoping to preserve their relationships may now be compelled to relocate to the Deep South or Midwest. "We have no choice," said one Franconia husband. "Even now, with New Hampshire's law just enacted, my wife is beginning to look less appealing. The sooner we move the better."

Meanwhile, a group of Bay State activists demanded that the Legislature put on the ballot whether No Irish Need Apply should be state law. "It turns out that Massachusetts prohibited the NINA policy without ever asking voters what they think," said one lobbyist . "We're not saying NINA is a good thing, of course, and none of us would ever favor discrimination. This is just a matter of respect for the democracy and the will of the people."

Finally, in a debate held in early June, the top three Democratic presidential candidates said they were ardent believers in God. Not to be outdone, the Republican candidates in a debate held two days later said they too were ardent believers in God. For His part, God said He was pleased with the vote of confidence, but wished all the candidates had a better strategy for resolving the conflict in Iraq.

Published on June 17, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Disrespectfully Yours

From Simon Cowell To President Bush To Governor Patrick, Why Do We Spurn Authority?

It once was the case that what Simon said, few would question. This season, things seemed different. Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson routinely cut off Simon Cowell, the onetime arbiter of American Idol. The audience that a few years ago was cowed by him now happily booed. Perhaps most embarrassing, Cowell’s pleas notwithstanding, voters refused his entreaties (remember votefortheworst.com?) and steadily advanced Sanjaya Malakar farther than good taste warranted. In fact, it’s not only that Cowell’s wishes were ignored. It was almost as if, whatever he wanted, the public would do the opposite.

As AI goes, so goes America? Leaders at every level – from the president to Boston’s mayor – appear to fetch far less respect these days. Whether the issue is war funding or the tenure of the attorney general, even Republicans are turning on George W. Bush. And Tom Menino’s previously strong hand seems shaky. Once-compliant city councilors now obstreperously critique his every move, whether it’s his plan for rebuilding City Hall, continued funding for the Boston Redevelopment Authority, or approval of a new downtown tower. It seems that while once we used to defer to authority – be it political, cultural, or institutional – today we’re starting to reject it.

A word of warning: We writers spot trends, Faith Popcorn-like, at our peril. A few anecdotes don’t necessarily make something universally true. Still, there are some intriguing data out there. Since 1958, various pollsters have been asking a telling question: “How much of the time do you think you can trust the government in Washington to do what is right?” It’s one measure of respect for our leaders. Back when the polling began, more than 70 percent of Americans said “always” or “most of the time.” Over the next two decades, that number dropped precipitously, reaching a low of 25 percent by 1980. It bounced up and down a bit in the 1980s and early 1990s, until 1996, when – despite Bill Clinton’s Monica-induced humiliations – the figure started to climb back up, peaking at 56 percent in 2002. Now, however, the numbers are dropping. In 2005, the “always/most of the time” figure was down to 30 percent; last year, it slipped to 27. Yet again, it seems, we no longer trust those we once followed.

That, perhaps, explains why Deval Patrick (whose election campaign itself was a rejection of the state’s political establishment) got not a honeymoon but rather the equivalent of a weekend fling. It may explain why, instead of emulating celebrities, we’re now more willing to put them in jail. And it could be why well-established institutions, from the media to religion, appear on the defensive, no longer sure of where they stand with customers or adherents. It’s the ’60s all over again! Mutiny! Rebellion! Tie-dyed clothes!

Not so fast. There is change in the air, but it’s hardly that remarkable. My guess is that the norm is not the high levels of trust the polls showed in the 1950s and early 2000s (the first a consequence of winning World War II; the second a result of 9/11), but rather the generally consistent distrust people showed from the 1960s through the 1990s.

The reason is that we Americans are – and have been since our nation’s inception – an anti-authoritarian bunch. We’re wary of those in power and cautious about too easily giving assent. After all, we were founded in revolution; our Constitution – with its fragmented powers – is designed to thwart authority; and our culture celebrates independence, free speech, and free thinking. To many conservative philosophers – from Robert Nesbit to William J. Bennett – that’s a problem. They bemoan rampant individualism, lack of respect for tradition, and the erosion of cultural authority, all of which, they believe, undermine society as a whole.

Those worries can make for an interesting philosophical discussion. But, good or bad, it seems that ready and unwavering respect is not the American way. Our regard for leaders and institutions is ephemeral. One big mess-up at the top (and the Iraq war certainly seems in that category), and we turn – not only on the president, but on everyone and everything. That, I think, is what’s happening now. It’s not a revolution – just a much-welcome return to skepticism.

Originally published in the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, June 10, 2007.

The holiday radar

The Fortnight That Wasn't

AMERICANS COMMEMORATED Memorial Day by hosting large backyard parties, opening vacation homes, and shopping for heavily discounted merchandise. "War is hell," said one bargain hunter buying a late-model fully loaded Toyota Land Cruiser.

Meanwhile, congressional Democrats caved on their demands for a timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq and instead approved continued funding of the war after forcing President Bush to agree to increase the minimum wage to $7.25 per hour.

Democratic leaders were euphoric about their new "guns and butter" strategy. "In the future, every time the president wants to invade another country, ordinary Americans will see a boost in their paychecks," said one. Under the Democrats' approach, small incursions or surgical strikes would require a 50-cent increase, while full-scale invasions would require up to a $1 per hour raise.

In other war news, a jubilant Bush announced a major victory against the insurgents with the defeat of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan. White House officials credited the use of an unrelenting and overwhelming campaign coordinated at the highest levels for Sheehan's withdrawal from her 5-acre camp in Crawford, Texas, saying it provided proof that the president's Iraq strategy was succeeding.

On the campaign trail, sources close to former vice president Al Gore said the likelihood of him announcing as a candidate for president depended on the outcome of the upcoming hurricane season. "Last year was supposed to be a record-breaker and we were thinking for sure Al would jump in," said one Gore confidante. "Instead, the number of hurricanes was below average and most of them were quite small."

But with forecasters predicting 2007 could produce the most destructive hurricane activity in history, Gore advisers were optimistic. "Our dream is two or three Katrina-like storms," said one. "If that happens, the presidency is as good as ours."

Meanwhile, supporters of former senator Fred Thompson trumpeted his imminent entry into the race, saying he clearly had the best resume of any candidate.

"Look at the range of his experience," said an insider. "He's been district attorney, a rear admiral, CIA director, White House chief of staff, and president -- twice!" Indeed, Thompson's accomplishments far outstrip those of GOP icon Ronald Reagan. "Not to denigrate the Gipper, but the best he could manage was captain in 'Hellcats of the Navy,' " said one Thompson backer.

Closer to home, Massachusetts began enforcing dramatically stiffer penalties against teenage drivers who speed, drag race or drink. Under the new law, younger drivers caught speeding even 5 miles over the limit face automatic suspensions, fines of $500, and mandatory training classes.

"We're sending out a clear and strong message," said a Registry of Motor Vehicles spokesman. "If you want to drive recklessly in Massachusetts, you'll have to wait until you're 18."

Saying he had "done a very, very good job under very difficult circumstances," Governor Deval Patrick dismissed Harry Spence as head of the Department of Social Services. Staffers to the governor explained that when Patrick had promised in his inaugural "we will be doing some things differently," he was referring to making speeches outdoors, not to matters of hiring and firing.

In the wake of a weak pitching performance against the Yankees in New York, Red Sox Nation praised the wisdom of general manager Theo Epstein in refusing Curt Schilling's January request that the team extend his contract by a year.

After a subsequent strong performance against the Cleveland Indians, members of Red Sox Nation were furious with their idiotic general manager for refusing Schilling's January request to extend his contract by a year.

In a related development, the Red Sox dramatically responded to the Yankees' signing of Roger Clemens by announcing that the late Ted Williams had agreed to join the team for the remainder of the season. Sox officials admitted there would be logistical problems with Williams playing but said they were insignificant compared with the thrills the return of the remains of the legendary player would bring to fans.

"Williams may not get a lot of hits," said a team spokesman. "But then again, no one expects Clemens to win many games either."

And finally, the European Union reported last week that a majority of Europeans are now either obese or overweight.

"We're all Americans now," said an EU official.

Published on June 3, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.