The Fortnight That Wasn't
AMERICANS COMMEMORATED Memorial Day by hosting large backyard parties, opening vacation homes, and shopping for heavily discounted merchandise. "War is hell," said one bargain hunter buying a late-model fully loaded Toyota Land Cruiser.
Meanwhile, congressional Democrats caved on their demands for a timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq and instead approved continued funding of the war after forcing President Bush to agree to increase the minimum wage to $7.25 per hour.
Democratic leaders were euphoric about their new "guns and butter" strategy. "In the future, every time the president wants to invade another country, ordinary Americans will see a boost in their paychecks," said one. Under the Democrats' approach, small incursions or surgical strikes would require a 50-cent increase, while full-scale invasions would require up to a $1 per hour raise.
In other war news, a jubilant Bush announced a major victory against the insurgents with the defeat of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan. White House officials credited the use of an unrelenting and overwhelming campaign coordinated at the highest levels for Sheehan's withdrawal from her 5-acre camp in Crawford, Texas, saying it provided proof that the president's Iraq strategy was succeeding.
On the campaign trail, sources close to former vice president Al Gore said the likelihood of him announcing as a candidate for president depended on the outcome of the upcoming hurricane season. "Last year was supposed to be a record-breaker and we were thinking for sure Al would jump in," said one Gore confidante. "Instead, the number of hurricanes was below average and most of them were quite small."
But with forecasters predicting 2007 could produce the most destructive hurricane activity in history, Gore advisers were optimistic. "Our dream is two or three Katrina-like storms," said one. "If that happens, the presidency is as good as ours."
Meanwhile, supporters of former senator Fred Thompson trumpeted his imminent entry into the race, saying he clearly had the best resume of any candidate.
"Look at the range of his experience," said an insider. "He's been district attorney, a rear admiral, CIA director, White House chief of staff, and president -- twice!" Indeed, Thompson's accomplishments far outstrip those of GOP icon Ronald Reagan. "Not to denigrate the Gipper, but the best he could manage was captain in 'Hellcats of the Navy,' " said one Thompson backer.
Closer to home, Massachusetts began enforcing dramatically stiffer penalties against teenage drivers who speed, drag race or drink. Under the new law, younger drivers caught speeding even 5 miles over the limit face automatic suspensions, fines of $500, and mandatory training classes.
"We're sending out a clear and strong message," said a Registry of Motor Vehicles spokesman. "If you want to drive recklessly in Massachusetts, you'll have to wait until you're 18."
Saying he had "done a very, very good job under very difficult circumstances," Governor Deval Patrick dismissed Harry Spence as head of the Department of Social Services. Staffers to the governor explained that when Patrick had promised in his inaugural "we will be doing some things differently," he was referring to making speeches outdoors, not to matters of hiring and firing.
In the wake of a weak pitching performance against the Yankees in New York, Red Sox Nation praised the wisdom of general manager Theo Epstein in refusing Curt Schilling's January request that the team extend his contract by a year.
After a subsequent strong performance against the Cleveland Indians, members of Red Sox Nation were furious with their idiotic general manager for refusing Schilling's January request to extend his contract by a year.
In a related development, the Red Sox dramatically responded to the Yankees' signing of Roger Clemens by announcing that the late Ted Williams had agreed to join the team for the remainder of the season.
Sox officials admitted there would be logistical problems with Williams playing but said they were insignificant compared with the thrills the return of the remains of the legendary player would bring to fans.
"Williams may not get a lot of hits," said a team spokesman. "But then again, no one expects Clemens to win many games either."
And finally, the European Union reported last week that a majority of Europeans are now either obese or overweight.
"We're all Americans now," said an EU official.
Published on June 3, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears
every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.