The Fortnight That Wasn't
HOMELAND SECURITY officials announced that they had thwarted yet another potentially devastating terrorist attack on American soil. According to prosecutors, a drunken guy in a New Jersey bar started complaining about his income taxes and said he wished the IRS and even the entire federal government "would just go to hell." Officials trumpeted their investigation as further proof of the Patriot Act's effectiveness. "True, the plot was in the early stages of planning and its success would have required the development of some as-yet unknown technologies," said one of the 25 investigators assigned to the case, "But better that than wake up someday and find pretty much all of Washington has gone to the nether world."
Publishers of thriller novels said they were delighted when a summit between George W. Bush and Vladimir Putin turned antagonistic. "It's just like the old times," said one. "Russia's threatening to point nuclear missiles at Europe, the US is saying it'll erect an anti missile shield, and tensions on all sides are rising."
Citing a drop in thriller sales since the collapse of the Soviet Union, another publisher explained, "Readers like stories with glitzy European locales, suave agents, and beautiful women -- not barren deserts, camels and burkas. That's what we got with the Cold War and we're hoping that's what we'll be getting again."
After confirming that he did not have a girlfriend, the White House chose Robert Zoellick to succeed Paul Wolfowitz as head of the World Bank.
In entertainment, viewers of "The Sopranos" were outraged when the series came to a close by setting up a potentially fatal confrontation and then cutting to black, forcing fans to come up with their own ending. "This is deeply unfair," said one subscriber. "I pay good money to HBO to do my imagining for me. Now they're telling me I have to do it by myself."
CBS defended Katie Couric and the evening news show after former anchor Dan Rather accused the network of "dumbing it down, tarting it up" with its focus on celebrity news instead of big issues such as war and peace. "Dumbing it down?" asked an incredulous CBS spokesperson. "The complex pieces we're now doing demand hard-hitting investigative journalism. Does Paris Hilton break in jail? Has she really found a higher purpose in life? And will she continue to cry for her mother whenever things get tough? Wars? Those are easy stories to tell -- guns fire, people die. That's the kind of stuff we leave for "The News Hour."
Closer to home, heterosexual couples who had fled from Massachusetts to New Hampshire in order to protect their marriages said they would be forced to move again after the Granite State approved civil unions for gays. "When Massachusetts started letting gays marry," said one wife, "Our marriage started to fall apart. My husband and I had thought New Hampshire would be our salvation."
Since all other New England states have or are considering some recognition of gay relationships, heterosexuals hoping to preserve their relationships may now be compelled to relocate to the Deep South or Midwest. "We have no choice," said one Franconia husband. "Even now, with New Hampshire's law just enacted, my wife is beginning to look less appealing. The sooner we move the better."
Meanwhile, a group of Bay State activists demanded that the Legislature put on the ballot whether No Irish Need Apply should be state law. "It turns out that Massachusetts prohibited the NINA policy without ever asking voters what they think," said one lobbyist . "We're not saying NINA is a good thing, of course, and none of us would ever favor discrimination. This is just a matter of respect for the democracy and the will of the people."
Finally, in a debate held in early June, the top three Democratic presidential candidates said they were ardent believers in God. Not to be outdone, the Republican candidates in a debate held two days later said they too were ardent believers in God. For His part, God said He was pleased with the vote of confidence, but wished all the candidates had a better strategy for resolving the conflict in Iraq.
Published on June 17, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.