Tom Keane

Tough questions

The Fortnight That Wasn't

A 6.8 MAGNITUDE earthquake in Japan caused a nuclear power plant in Niigata to leak radioactive material. Officials said that the leak posed no risk and that nearby residents were probably imagining reports of a giant lizard roaming the streets. "Even if it were true," said a spokesperson, "We're confident that any problem easily could be handled by Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster."

Closer to home, the first-ever CNN/YouTube debate floored Democratic candidates with tough, hard-hitting questions such as "How would America be better off with you as president?" "Who was your favorite teacher?" and "Does talk about Al Gore running hurt you-all's feelings?" "This really shows the power of the citizen-journalists of the Internet," said a debate organizer, "The mainstream media would never tackle such controversial subjects."

US senators held an all-night session in the US Capitol in a bid to break a Republican filibuster over Iraq war policy. Although the effort failed, the senators said they enjoyed the sleepover, with the politicians having pillow fights, secretly dipping sleepers' hands in warm water, and sharing s'mores at 3 a.m.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and CBS anchor Katie Couric inked the nation's first mutual nonresignation pact, vowing to support each other in refusing to leave their respective positions. Other prominent figures, including Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, FAA head Marion Blakey, and presidential candidate John McCain, plan to sign on to the agreement as well. "If only this had been in place a year ago, I'd probably still have a job," said former Massachusetts Turnpike head Matthew Amorello.

Rudy Giuliani prepared to rush back to New York City after an explosion in Midtown raised fears of another terrorist attack. The former mayor canceled the trip after authorities said the blast was only from a broken steam pipe and that the opportunities to show strong leadership in the fight against America's enemies were minimal. In a related development, Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff announced he had a "gut feeling" that another steam pipe would burst in a major US city sometime this summer.

Meanwhile, candidate Mitt Romney scored points with conservative audiences when he said that, unlike Democratic candidate Barack Obama, he would wait until first grade before teaching kids about sex.

Dow Jones announced a sweeping new format for the Wall Street Journal with innovative features such as a weekly "Page Three CEO" showing full-body shots of scantily clad captains of industry. "These are older and often well-fed individuals, so obviously there will be a lot of airbrushing involved," a company spokesperson said. The newspaper also plans a daily gossip column and a lottery, Dowingo, which will offer readers cash and other prizes.

A new report from the US government said that 47 percent of teens have had sex, down from 54 percent in 1991. The number of boys reporting they had had sex was 94 percent while the number of girls was 1 percent. "Average the figures and that's how we got 47 percent," said one researcher, who conceded there was a chance the kids interviewed might have been lying.

The chess world was rocked by allegations of steroid use by top competitors. Federal investigators said that, in retrospect, the signs of abuse were clear. "Once scrawny chess players are now forcefully moving their pieces around the board with overdeveloped, muscular hands," said one source. Followers of the game said that the number of strong players had increased dramatically in recent years. "Just look at the game notations and it becomes clear," said one insider at the US Chess Federation. "It used to be that you'd get a '!' maybe once or twice a game, and a '!!' would hardly ever happen. Nowadays, it's six or seven '!!s' a game, and it's not uncommon to find two or three '!!!s.' "

And finally, the Massachusetts town of Middleborough reached agreement with the Wampanoag Tribal Council for the state's first resort casino. Under the agreement, security would be boosted, risqué activities -- including nude entertainment -- would be limited or banned, and all visitors would be closely monitored for inappropriate behavior. The town said it would promote the casino with a new slogan, "What happens in Middleborough, it doesn't matter if it stays in Middleborough."

Published on July 29, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.  

A Billion-Dollar Blunder

Pretend for a moment that you're an economic god – kind of like Alan Greenspan was for 18 years – and you're assigned (yes, even economic gods report to higher beings) to improve the Massachusetts economy. You gaze down on the Commonwealth and say, gee, what this place really needs is a lot more jobs in high tech.

No, of course you don't. After all, for years the Massachusetts economy has been defined by high tech: computers, software, microelectronics, health care, biotech (and soon, nanotech and cleantech). We're awash in high-tech jobs, so much so that we don't have enough workers to fill the jobs we already have. Our problem isn't that we have too little high tech; if anything, it's the opposite.

There's a measure for this: economic diversity. A diverse economy has a good balance of businesses that are high- and low-tech, cyclical and countercyclical, cutting edge and well established. That's not us. A recent analysis by Moody's Economy.com, for example, ranked Boston's economic diversity last of the nation's 25 largest metro areas. (Chicago, with a stable mix of manufacturing, food processing, and services industries, ranks first, by the way.)

There are a lot of problems with this lack of diversity. Our high-tech economy is great for well-educated workers, but it's terrible for those without a college degree. And, while the high-tech emphasis is good for Boston, which is chockablock with universities, research hospitals, and laboratories, it's not so good for anyone west of Worcester. Moreover, unbalanced economies tend to be cyclically vulnerable, making Massachusetts more subject to wild up-and-down swings in its economy. One might even argue that other worrisome issues – high housing costs and our stagnant population, for instance – are connected to our unbalanced economy.

So given all this, as an economic god you have to wonder: Why are those mortals in Massachusetts, led by Governor Deval Patrick, planning to spend $1 billion over the next 10 years promoting even more high tech – in this case, the biotech industry?

Patrick's fund, still in planning, has already won plaudits. Why? Granted, biotech is very cool, everyone is certain it's the next big thing, and we're mad that President Bush put the kibosh on stem-cell research, so this is a good way of getting back at him. But really, is this the best way we can find to spend a spare billion? It's not as if biotech needs the money. Massachusetts is already in the forefront of the industry, with money for start-ups readily available. We consistently rank second (behind Silicon Valley) in venture-capital investments, and biotech is now our hottest investment area. If biotech is going to succeed in Massachusetts, it'll do so – as every other business has – on its own merits, not because state pols (as Patrick and Senate President Therese Murray recently wrote in a Globe op-ed), "will help guide [biotech ideas] to the marketplace."

Indeed, the biotech fund feels like piling on in a football game. It tackles a problem that doesn't need tackling and risks increasing the imbalances in our economy, making Massachusetts even less hospitable to the low-skilled or differently skilled workers that it chronically underserves.

So what to do instead? Some say spend the money on education or infrastructure or perhaps just save it for a rainy day – all good ideas. Alternatively, if state pols still insist on trying to "steer" the economy, how about focusing on the areas where we lag? Now before every economist reading this jumps down my throat, I'm not saying the state should make venture capital-like investments in, say, dead-end smokestack industries. However, we could consider encouraging the growth of businesses that are countercyclical, non-high tech, or located outside of Greater Boston. There are many ways to do this, such as small and micro-loans to start-ups, tax breaks for urban entrepreneurs, and, for those living in the western part of the state, financial incentives for small consumer-service, manufacturing, and assembly-type operations.

The point is, good economies are diverse economies. Massachusetts already excels in everything high knowledge and high tech. If the role of government is to do desirable things left undone by the private sector, we should turn our attention elsewhere.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, July 29, 2007.

Another sex scandal

The Fortnight That Wasn't

WASHINGTON insiders said they were humiliated when their phone numbers failed to turn up in a massive listing of numbers posted online by Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the so-called D.C. Madam. "The people back home think I'm living the high life while in the nation's capital," said one US senator. "How am I going to explain to them that I'm really working late nights in the office and still can't manage to pass a decent piece of legislation?"

Green activists announced a campaign to encourage reckless youths to indulge themselves in environmentally sound ways. Called "responsible irresponsibility," the effort stems from the example set by Al Gore III, who was arrested for driving over 100 miles per hour in a Toyota Prius. "A hybrid generates less than half the carbon footprint of a typical muscle car," said the activists, who released a list of other ways kids could be responsibly irresponsible. The recommendations includes drinking large quantities of beer from returnable/reusable bottles, growing one's own marijuana free of artificial pesticides and fertilizers, and reducing packaging costs by making methamphetamines only from cold medications sold in bulk containers.

In a related story, organizers of LiveEarth said they were thrilled that fewer than 10 percent of the world's 6.6 billion human beings tuned in to the international concert. "Every time someone doesn't turn on a television, radio, or computer, we're saving energy," said a LiveEarth spokesperson. "Next year, we're hoping 95 percent of the world doesn't pay attention, and after that, we might even be able to attain 100 percent. The more people ignore us, the greater our contribution to stopping global climate change!"

Aides to Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York said he is considering offering $100 million each to the leading Republican and Democratic candidates to drop out of the presidential race. "It's cheaper than actually running a campaign," said a Bloomberg staffer, who added that the payment would no longer be available to John McCain, the one-time front-runner whose campaign is now faltering. "However, the s enator is still eligible for discounted subscriptions to Bloomberg publications," added the staffer, urging other candidates to act quickly before the offer expired for them as well.

The Supreme Court limited the use of race in deciding where students go to school, imperiling affirmative action programs nationwide. "We probably should have done this back when we decided Plessy in 1896. That would have allowed us to avoid a century of segregation and discrimination against blacks," said a clerk for the chief justice. "Oh, well. At least we figured it out in time to avoid the same thing from happening to white folks."

Senior Democrats pushed the FCC to revive the "fairness doctrine," which requires electronic media to give equal time to both sides of controversial issues. Religious fundamentalists said they supported the move and looked forward to upcoming PBS specials detailing Darwin's errors and showing how carbon-14 dating misled scientists into believing the earth was millions of years old.

During his fishing trip with President Bush, Vladimir Putin said he caught a world record-length striped bass measuring 62 inches and weighing 82 pounds. Bush said Putin's skill as an angler only served to increase the long-standing trust he had in the Russian president. "Unfortunately," said a White House spokesperson, "Putin told us he had to throw the fish back into the water before anyone else could measure it."

Investigators for the National Transportation Safety Board found that Big Dig workers used inferior epoxy to secure the I-90 connector's ceiling. "I don't understand what happened," said one contractor. "We bought it at the Dollar Store, right off the shelf next to the toothpaste from China."

And finally, Fox Broadcasting announced a new show, "American Celebrity," which would feature ordinary people competing against each other to become a celebrity. Contestants would be judged on their shocking displays of inappropriate dress, the merits of their accidentally leaked grainy sex videos, and the degree to which they had no other meaningful pursuits in their lives. Producers anticipate a very low budget for the show, as prizes for the winners will be minimal. "For the type of contestant we are seeking," a spokesperson said, "just being on TV will be prize enough."

Published on July 15, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

A More Perfect Union

It's time we let legal immigrants vote in local elections. Doing so could save us from becoming like France!

When Amherst, Cambridge, or Brookline comes up with an idea – spanking bans, nuclear-free zones, or censoring West Side Story – it’s easy to roll your eyes. So it might seem with giving immigrants the right to vote in local elections, a plan that all three communities have asked the Massachusetts Legislature to approve. But this idea is not confined to left-wing burgs. Newton, Wayland, and even Boston have passed or are considering similar proposals. And nationwide, New York, Chicago, and at least four municipalities in Maryland – none of which is axiomatically loopy – allow noncitizens to vote in some local elections (such as for school boards) or have recently done so. So before dismissing the notion outright, consider that this might just be something that makes sense.

Note that we’re only talking about legal immigrants – those with green cards who are here for the long haul. They number about 300,000 in Massachusetts. They’re just like the rest of us: They have jobs and homes, their kids go to local schools, and they pay taxes.

And if they are just like the rest of us, why not let them vote? The standard response, typically delivered with much harrumphing, is that they’re not citizens. One can imagine King George III delivering the same message, a message that Colonists 234 years ago rejected when they threw tea into Boston Harbor. In fact, early on in the nation’s history, most states allowed noncitizens to vote (that generally ended in the early 1900s, largely because of a backlash against European immigrants). So did Massachusetts, up until 1811. And, while the US Constitution sets the rules for voting in national elections, decisions about who is eligible to vote in local elections are up to each of the 50 states – an explicit recognition that US citizenship need not be critical to granting the right to vote.

Some opponents to immigrant voting may admit all this, but argue that if we grant immigrants voting rights, then the incentive to become a citizen is reduced. The harm in this, they say, is an increasing fragmentation of American society. It’s an important and seemingly compelling argument. As a matter of logic, however, it’s upside down: Granting voting rights in local elections should encourage, not discourage, immigrants from becoming part of American society.

Voting is a (perhaps the) key mechanism for any of us to become involved in how our communities are run. Allow immigrants a foot in the door – some small say over local schools or town politics – and you should see them become more engaged and more imbued with American values. “Voting encourages citizenship,” says Ronald Hayduk, cofounder of the New York-based Immigrant Voting Project. Ali Noorani, executive director of the Massachusetts Immigrant and Refugee Advocacy Coalition, argues the same thing.

More than just theory, this is an argument that can be empirically tested. Take Chicago, for example. If the critics were right, then one would expect to have seen a reduction in applications for citizenship after noncitizens were allowed to vote in elections for local school councils. Instead, the reverse has been true. From 2005 to 2006, such applications in the Chicago area increased by 32 percent – far higher than other areas of the country – “and it continues to go up rapidly,” says Joshua Hoyt, executive director of the Illinois Coalition for Immigrant and Refugee Rights.

That’s all to the good, but here’s the real reason I favor immigrant voting: I don’t want us to become like the Netherlands or – God forbid – France. Both countries have growing immigrant populations, and both find themselves divided, with the newcomers dangerously unassimilated, living as if in a world apart. One of the great fears that run through all of our domestic debates over immigration is that America faces this risk as well.

Immigrant voting is one way to battle against that. One doesn’t have to agree or disagree with amnesty for illegals to recognize that it is a good thing for legal immigrants to become assimilated, to become – to resurrect a regrettably unfashionable term – part of the American melting pot. Letting noncitizens vote is not only a matter of justice, it’s also a matter of keeping this nation whole.

Originally published in the Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, July 8, 2007.

Free at last

The Fortnight That Wasn't

AMERICANS rejoiced in the Liberation of Paris, with crowds of cheering well-wishers lining Hollywood boulevards as SUV after SUV passed by, carrying Paris Hilton from prison to the safety of her family mansion. "I remember the Armée de la Libération in August 1944," said one weeping World War II vet. "This is so much more moving."

Staffers to presidential candidate Mitt Romney said they were unconcerned by allegations that the director of operations of the campaign, Jay Garrity, had pretended on several occasions to be a state trooper. "This is old news," said a spokesperson. "After all, for four years Mitt pretended to be governor."

Anti-immigrant activists said they were outraged to learn that a loophole in US immigration laws allowed Sunita Williams to enter the country on the space shuttle after spending more than six months on the International Space Station. Williams's father, neuroanatomist Deepak Pandya, is originally from India. "Once these people leave the country, they're supposed to apply for the right to return," said a spokesperson for the Federation for American Immigration Reform. "How can anyone expect us to stop these immigrants from coming in when NASA is blatantly circumventing the United States Border Patrol?"

After receiving worldwide acclaim for its "Ten Commandments" for automobile drivers, the Vatican said it was considering a series of additional "Ten Commandments" rules. "We have some planned for fishing do's and don'ts, Facebook etiquette, and how to dress with style," said a Vatican spokesperson. "These new versions of the Commandments are a lot more popular than the original -- and much easier to keep."

Organizers of "Live Earth," the 24-hour, seven-continent concert featuring more than 100 artists, said they expected the July 7 event would "trigger a global movement to solve the climate crisis" in much the same way that the 1969 Woodstock Festival succeeded in bringing peace and love to the world.

Buoyed by the success of a series of recent sequels, a collaborative of the major Hollywood studios announced the summer's "ultimate sequel," "Fantastic Spidershrek of the Caribbean Ocean's Almighty Diehard." "It won't make any sense," said one studio executive, "But it'll be big, noisy, and loaded with special effects -- audiences won't be able to resist."

A leaked copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the last volume of the seven-book series, sparked heated discussion among fans. According to those who have seen it, the book ends with Harry, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger having lunch in the Hogwarts dining hall. Suddenly, Lord Voldemort and Severus Snape appear from the kitchen. Snape raises his wand and says the last words of the story, "Let me take care of the scar." Ten blank pages follow. The book's publisher refused to confirm whether the leaked copy was legitimate, but did acknowledge that author J.K. Rowling collaborated with "Sopranos" creator David Chase on the series conclusion.

The Massachusetts Lottery said sales were off by $73 million this year and that its newest game, the $20 Star Spangled Sweepstakes, might even lose money. The decline correlates directly with improvements in MCAS scores, officials said, as they called on the state to eliminate the testing requirement. "Well-educated people generally don't play the lottery," said a spokesperson. "Yet, our schools depend on the lottery for a significant portion of their annual budgets. We need to make certain that our young people are not educated to the point where they jeopardize this source of income so essential to the education of our young people."

In the wake of several gang-related shootings, Boston's mayor and City Council proposed to prohibit pedicabs and party bikes on city streets, require mandatory covers on all mixed drinks sold in bars and restaurants, and ban ice-cream truck jingles.

And finally, Homeland Security officials said data collected by the agency indicated that 83.6 percent of Americans intended to observe Independence Day this year, with 41.1 million traveling to visit friends and relatives and another 210.7 million staying home to attend parades, fireworks displays, or other commemorative observances. "We're delighted to see that so many Americans will spend July 4th celebrating freedom," said a Department spokesperson. "As for those who don't, we know who they are and plan to make appropriate inquiries."

Published on July 1, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.