The Fortnight That Wasn't
A 6.8 MAGNITUDE earthquake in Japan caused a nuclear power plant in Niigata to leak radioactive material. Officials said that the leak posed no risk and that nearby residents were probably imagining reports of a giant lizard roaming the streets. "Even if it were true," said a spokesperson, "We're confident that any problem easily could be handled by Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster."
Closer to home, the first-ever CNN/YouTube debate floored Democratic candidates with tough, hard-hitting questions such as "How would America be better off with you as president?" "Who was your favorite teacher?" and "Does talk about Al Gore running hurt you-all's feelings?"
"This really shows the power of the citizen-journalists of the Internet," said a debate organizer, "The mainstream media would never tackle such controversial subjects."
US senators held an all-night session in the US Capitol in a bid to break a Republican filibuster over Iraq war policy. Although the effort failed, the senators said they enjoyed the sleepover, with the politicians having pillow fights, secretly dipping sleepers' hands in warm water, and sharing s'mores at 3 a.m.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and CBS anchor Katie Couric inked the nation's first mutual nonresignation pact, vowing to support each other in refusing to leave their respective positions. Other prominent figures, including Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, FAA head Marion Blakey, and presidential candidate John McCain, plan to sign on to the agreement as well. "If only this had been in place a year ago, I'd probably still have a job," said former Massachusetts Turnpike head Matthew Amorello.
Rudy Giuliani prepared to rush back to New York City after an explosion in Midtown raised fears of another terrorist attack. The former mayor canceled the trip after authorities said the blast was only from a broken steam pipe and that the opportunities to show strong leadership in the fight against America's enemies were minimal. In a related development, Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff announced he had a "gut feeling" that another steam pipe would burst in a major US city sometime this summer.
Meanwhile, candidate Mitt Romney scored points with conservative audiences when he said that, unlike Democratic candidate Barack Obama, he would wait until first grade before teaching kids about sex.
Dow Jones announced a sweeping new format for the Wall Street Journal with innovative features such as a weekly "Page Three CEO" showing full-body shots of scantily clad captains of industry. "These are older and often well-fed individuals, so obviously there will be a lot of airbrushing involved," a company spokesperson said. The newspaper also plans a daily gossip column and a lottery, Dowingo, which will offer readers cash and other prizes.
A new report from the US government said that 47 percent of teens have had sex, down from 54 percent in 1991. The number of boys reporting they had had sex was 94 percent while the number of girls was 1 percent. "Average the figures and that's how we got 47 percent," said one researcher, who conceded there was a chance the kids interviewed might have been lying.
The chess world was rocked by allegations of steroid use by top competitors. Federal investigators said that, in retrospect, the signs of abuse were clear. "Once scrawny chess players are now forcefully moving their pieces around the board with overdeveloped, muscular hands," said one source. Followers of the game said that the number of strong players had increased dramatically in recent years.
"Just look at the game notations and it becomes clear," said one insider at the US Chess Federation. "It used to be that you'd get a '!' maybe once or twice a game, and a '!!' would hardly ever happen. Nowadays, it's six or seven '!!s' a game, and it's not uncommon to find two or three '!!!s.' "
And finally, the Massachusetts town of Middleborough reached agreement with the Wampanoag Tribal Council for the state's first resort casino. Under the agreement, security would be boosted, risqué activities -- including nude entertainment -- would be limited or banned, and all visitors would be closely monitored for inappropriate behavior. The town said it would promote the casino with a new slogan, "What happens in Middleborough, it doesn't matter if it stays in Middleborough."
Published on July 29, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.