The Fortnight That Wasn't
AMERICANS rejoiced in the Liberation of Paris, with crowds of cheering well-wishers lining Hollywood boulevards as SUV after SUV passed by, carrying Paris Hilton from prison to the safety of her family mansion. "I remember the Armée de la Libération in August 1944," said one weeping World War II vet. "This is so much more moving."
Staffers to presidential candidate Mitt Romney said they were unconcerned by allegations that the director of operations of the campaign, Jay Garrity, had pretended on several occasions to be a state trooper. "This is old news," said a spokesperson. "After all, for four years Mitt pretended to be governor."
Anti-immigrant activists said they were outraged to learn that a loophole in US immigration laws allowed Sunita Williams to enter the country on the space shuttle after spending more than six months on the International Space Station. Williams's father, neuroanatomist Deepak Pandya, is originally from India.
"Once these people leave the country, they're supposed to apply for the right to return," said a spokesperson for the Federation for American Immigration Reform. "How can anyone expect us to stop these immigrants from coming in when NASA is blatantly circumventing the United States Border Patrol?"
After receiving worldwide acclaim for its "Ten Commandments" for automobile drivers, the Vatican said it was considering a series of additional "Ten Commandments" rules. "We have some planned for fishing do's and don'ts, Facebook etiquette, and how to dress with style," said a Vatican spokesperson. "These new versions of the Commandments are a lot more popular than the original -- and much easier to keep."
Organizers of "Live Earth," the 24-hour, seven-continent concert featuring more than 100 artists, said they expected the July 7 event would "trigger a global movement to solve the climate crisis" in much the same way that the 1969 Woodstock Festival succeeded in bringing peace and love to the world.
Buoyed by the success of a series of recent sequels, a collaborative of the major Hollywood studios announced the summer's "ultimate sequel," "Fantastic Spidershrek of the Caribbean Ocean's Almighty Diehard."
"It won't make any sense," said one studio executive, "But it'll be big, noisy, and loaded with special effects -- audiences won't be able to resist."
A leaked copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the last volume of the seven-book series, sparked heated discussion among fans. According to those who have seen it, the book ends with Harry, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger having lunch in the Hogwarts dining hall. Suddenly, Lord Voldemort and Severus Snape appear from the kitchen. Snape raises his wand and says the last words of the story, "Let me take care of the scar." Ten blank pages follow. The book's publisher refused to confirm whether the leaked copy was legitimate, but did acknowledge that author J.K. Rowling collaborated with "Sopranos" creator David Chase on the series conclusion.
The Massachusetts Lottery said sales were off by $73 million this year and that its newest game, the $20 Star Spangled Sweepstakes, might even lose money. The decline correlates directly with improvements in MCAS scores, officials said, as they called on the state to eliminate the testing requirement. "Well-educated people generally don't play the lottery," said a spokesperson. "Yet, our schools depend on the lottery for a significant portion of their annual budgets. We need to make certain that our young people are not educated to the point where they jeopardize this source of income so essential to the education of our young people."
In the wake of several gang-related shootings, Boston's mayor and City Council proposed to prohibit pedicabs and party bikes on city streets, require mandatory covers on all mixed drinks sold in bars and restaurants, and ban ice-cream truck jingles.
And finally, Homeland Security officials said data collected by the agency indicated that 83.6 percent of Americans intended to observe Independence Day this year, with 41.1 million traveling to visit friends and relatives and another 210.7 million staying home to attend parades, fireworks displays, or other commemorative observances.
"We're delighted to see that so many Americans will spend July 4th celebrating freedom," said a Department spokesperson. "As for those who don't, we know who they are and plan to make appropriate inquiries."
Published on July 1, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.