Tom Keane

Gray Shades of Green

Before you embrace new ways to save the environment, think about whether you're doing more harm than good.

Suddenly, everyone cares about the planet. Prodded by An Inconvenient Truth and worried that our Cape homes might one day be underwater, we're all enthusiastically looking for ways to save the world. That "we" includes the good folks at Massport, the state agency that runs Logan Airport. That's right. Logan says it wants to go green. Hearing this, I thought perhaps the airport was shutting down the New York shuttle and making people take Amtrak. But, no, Massport has something else in mind. A new policy gives drivers of hybrid cars preferential parking at the airport. Yes, use a Prius and you'll get a nice spot just by your terminal, saving oh-so-much time as you head off for your weekend jaunt to Paris.

Let's think this through. Now, instead of taking public transportation to the airport (because, after all, parking is such a pain in the neck), hybrid owners will take their cars. Rather than a smaller carbon footprint, Massport's plan could make it bigger. I call this environmental backfire: something intended to help ends up making the problem worse.

Massport is hardly alone in this. Remember "think globally, act locally"? People act locally, for example, by trying to preserve green space in their towns and keep population densities low. Yet, as Harvard economist Edward Glaeser points out, all this does is push development out farther from cities to areas where there are fewer people to object, which leads to more sprawl. Better to sacrifice a few trees in our backyards and let developers build.

Then there's Brookline's onetime proposal to double excise taxes on SUVs. Agreed, we all hate SUVs. (Well, actually, I hate yours. Mine, I like.) But SUVs are not necessarily more gas guzzling than other classes of automobiles: The 2007 Chevrolet Malibu sedan, for instance, gets a combined m.p.g. of 23, according to the US Environmental Protection Agency, while the 2007 Jeep Compass, an SUV, bests it with 24. And then one has to look at how they're used. An SUV carrying two or three people is much more efficient than a hybrid carrying just one.

Car-pool lanes are another instance of environmental backfire. Lanes used for car pools carry far fewer automobiles than if they were used for regular traffic. (They have to; otherwise, no one would have an incentive to use them.) The result is more congestion in non-HOV lanes, which, of course, wastes fuel. In some cases, such as the I-93 zipper lane, the result is appalling. As commuters south of Boston doubtless know, huge jams occur at its entrance as a lane is cut off to make way for the car-pool lane. The problem reappears at the exit, as cars merge back into regular traffic. If we simply made it an open lane – with no barriers – all traffic would proceed more smoothly and less wastefully.

The list goes on. Cloth diapers may seem greener than disposables, but when one adds in the energy used to wash them, it turns out throwaways are the better choice in some cases. (The same analysis might well apply to Sheryl Crow's perhaps joking admonition that we use but one sheet of toilet paper. After the extra soap and hand washing such an approach entails, maybe using a few extra sheets might be better for the environment.) Our desire to prevent forest fires perversely ended up increasing their severity; fire, it turns out, is nature's way of pruning. Carbon trading – travel across country, plant a tree – sounds fine, but by relieving one's guilt, it encourages people to fly more while doing little to reduce the pollution created. True, the planted tree will consume the CO2 your trip creates – in 70 years. The problem of global warming, however, is today.

I don't mean to sound cynical about this. People really do care, but there is a lot of confused thinking out there. Perhaps that's because a degree of faddishness runs through much of our newfound environmentalism, as if going green were a style of dress. Looking the part – from drinking water from refillable bottles to watching LiveEarth – is apparently good enough. Whether something works or not seems regrettably irrelevant.

Originally published in The Boston Globe Magazine, August 26, 2007.

Miners for beaches

The Fortnight That Wasn't

A COAL MINE collapse in Utah killed six workers, with another three dead after a second collapse buried a group of rescuers. Opponents of Cape Wind, the embattled wind farm proposed for Nantucket Sound, said that while they regretted the loss of life, it was better that than forcing beachfront property owners on Cape Cod to look at tiny windmills on the distant horizon.

In Florida, NASA announced it had finally succeeded in sending a teacher safely into space. "After the Challenger disaster in 1986, many thought we were finished," said a spokesperson, "but we never wavered from our goal of putting an educator into orbit." The effort cost more than $145 billion and took nearly a quarter century, but cheering personnel at the Kennedy Space Center said it was worth it as Space Shuttle Endeavour touched down carrying teacher Barbara Morgan. "Never let it be said that NASA has lost its way," said one administrator. "True, we had originally hoped we'd be able to spend the last 20 years exploring Mars, but, really, this is just as good."

Michelle Obama told an audience in Iowa this week that, "if you can't run your own house, you certainly can't run the White House," a remark many interpreted as a slap at Hillary Clinton. Staffers for Senator Barack Obama denied that was the case. "Michelle simply meant that the White House is the president's home. As with any home, you have to sort laundry, cook, vacuum, and, of course, keep your spouse in line," explained an aide. "We're appalled that anyone would think this is an observation that's directed solely at Senator Clinton. It applies to any woman who would be president."

Meteorologists puzzled over the behavior of Hurricane Dean, which at the height of its strength, unexpectedly went out of control. "We thought it would really amount to something," said one forecaster, "But suddenly it began spewing spray everywhere and acting like it had gone mad." After that, the storm quickly weakened. "I doubt anyone will ever hear from Dean again," added the forecaster.

Democrats worried about the impending resignation of presidential adviser and key strategist Karl Rove. "Rumsfeld, Miers, Libby, Pace, and now this," lamented one senior legislator. "Slowly but surely, the administration is ousting everyone we've tried to make scapegoats for the president's disastrous policies." But others said they were unconcerned. "We've still got Cheney and Gonzales. And if they leave, we can always pick on Laura and the twins."

Tapping the burgeoning market for nostalgia, Mattel unveiled a new line of figurines for adults featuring popular characters designed to appeal to those who are now in their 20s and 30s. The new products, "Nickelodeon for Grownups" and "Big Street Sesame," feature all of the characters of the original children's-oriented toys and come complete with display cases and stands. "These are not toys, however," stressed a company spokesperson, who said the collectibles were specially sourced from exotic locales in Asia and were carefully decorated using rare paints that would be entirely unsuitable for youngsters.

In the wake of the publication of "Restless Virgins," a new book that documents an extraordinary level of willingness among Milton Academy's female students to have sex with anyone who asks, admissions officials reported that applications to the school were suddenly at an all-time high, with the greatest increase coming from male applicants. "We're pretty sure it's all due to Milton's strong academic reputation," said a spokesperson.

Critics of the culture of fatherlessness in impoverished African-American communities said they were mystified as to causes of the deeply ingrained urban pathology. Meanwhile, sports fans throughout New England said they were thrilled at the news that quarterback Tom Brady's former girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, had given birth to his son.

And finally, a new study reported that obesity may be caused by a virus. Researchers said the contagion appeared concentrated on cruise ships and in resort areas such as Las Vegas. A once-thin sufferer of the disease, for example, described spending a week dining at the Rio's all-you-can-eat buffet, returning home and finding himself more than 50 pounds overweight. "I'm almost sure I caught it from some of the other infected customers at the restaurant," he told investigators.

Published on August 26, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Summer break

The Fortnight That Wasn't

IN A DRAMATIC confrontation, Congress and the president battled over which branch of the government would be first to go on summer vacation. Initially it seemed Bush would succeed in making senators and representatives spend several extra weeks holding hearings on new legislation. But in a brilliant last-minute move, Congress passed without debate a bill giving the executive branch wide authority to wiretap phone calls and e-mails. Bush then had to stay to sign the new law while members of Congress quickly left town.

"Those legislators sure got the better of us," said a White House spokesperson, comparing Congress's victory to other times it had cleverly outmaneuvered the president, including approving John Roberts for the Supreme Court and granting Bush additional funding for the Iraq war.

Homeland security officials said, however, that while they appreciated the new powers, their efforts had already been surpassed by Google Street View, the recently unveiled online mapping program that provides detailed photographic information about nearly everyone's day-to-day activities. Operatives from the NSA reported they had already spotted a woman sunbathing in the nude, people picking their noses in public, and men entering adult book stores.

"These are just the kind of folks that are most likely to become terrorists," said a government official. "Especially that woman -- our guys now have her under very close surveillance."

A bridge collapsed in Minneapolis, killing at least six. After a visit to the site, President Bush was so moved by the tragedy that he promised not to send FEMA in to help.

Meanwhile, the Massachusetts attorney general announced a criminal indictment of Powers Fasteners, a small New York firm which had sold $1,300 worth of epoxy to the $15 billion Big Dig. "This just proves that we won't be intimidated by anyone," said a spokesperson for the state.

South Carolina moved up its Republican primary so that it would occur before New Hampshire's and Iowa's. In response, Iowa moved its caucus to an even earlier date and New Hampshire then followed suit, moving its primary still earlier. South Carolina then countered, and Iowa and New Hampshire countered yet again. After an additional series of date changes, the three states reached agreement that their nominating contests had all occurred last week.

Stock markets surged and plunged and surged and plunged as economists said they were and were not worried about subprime mortgage bankruptcies and oil price increases and traders said they were and were not optimistic about corporate profits and consumer confidence. In a related development, opponents of casinos in Massachusetts warned that legalized gambling would lure people into risking their life savings rather than investing responsibly in financial instruments such as stocks.

New Englanders were stunned to learn that French President Nicolas Sarkozy was spending his summer vacation at Lake Winnipesaukee. "Why?" asked one puzzled vacationgoer. "He's got Nice and the Riviera just around the corner. We only come here because we can't afford to fly anywhere else."

Detractors of the Wolfeboro vacation spot noted that the water is bitter cold, the best-selling wines in the town's liquor stores have screwtops, and the closest one gets to a Michelin rating are the tires sold at Belknap Tire in Laconia. "It makes you wonder if France is all it's cracked up to be," said a summer resident.

Russian submarines staked a claim to the North Pole, planting a miniature flag in a titanium capsule underneath the polar icecap. Russian officials denied subsequent reports that Vladimir Putin had begun to gain weight and grow a long white beard.

In sports news, the X-Men, Robocop, the Incredible Hulk, and the Borg Collective issued a statement praising Barry Bonds for breaking Hank Aaron's home run record and said they had made him an honorary member of their group.

And finally, doctors in Boston said a man had awoken from a 29-year coma but didn't believe he'd ever been unconscious. "Who's in first place?" he asked and, when told it was the Red Sox, he asked by how much. He then asked how many games the team had been ahead of the Yankees in the spring. Hearing it was by 14½, he said, "I haven't been in a coma at all -- it's still 1978!"

Published on August 12, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.