The Fortnight That Wasn't
IN A DRAMATIC confrontation, Congress and the president battled over which branch of the government would be first to go on summer vacation. Initially it seemed Bush would succeed in making senators and representatives spend several extra weeks holding hearings on new legislation. But in a brilliant last-minute move, Congress passed without debate a bill giving the executive branch wide authority to wiretap phone calls and e-mails. Bush then had to stay to sign the new law while members of Congress quickly left town.
"Those legislators sure got the better of us," said a White House spokesperson, comparing Congress's victory to other times it had cleverly outmaneuvered the president, including approving John Roberts for the Supreme Court and granting Bush additional funding for the Iraq war.
Homeland security officials said, however, that while they appreciated the new powers, their efforts had already been surpassed by Google Street View, the recently unveiled online mapping program that provides detailed photographic information about nearly everyone's day-to-day activities. Operatives from the NSA reported they had already spotted a woman sunbathing in the nude, people picking their noses in public, and men entering adult book stores.
"These are just the kind of folks that are most likely to become terrorists," said a government official. "Especially that woman -- our guys now have her under very close surveillance."
A bridge collapsed in Minneapolis, killing at least six. After a visit to the site, President Bush was so moved by the tragedy that he promised not to send FEMA in to help.
Meanwhile, the Massachusetts attorney general announced a criminal indictment of Powers Fasteners, a small New York firm which had sold $1,300 worth of epoxy to the $15 billion Big Dig. "This just proves that we won't be intimidated by anyone," said a spokesperson for the state.
South Carolina moved up its Republican primary so that it would occur before New Hampshire's and Iowa's. In response, Iowa moved its caucus to an even earlier date and New Hampshire then followed suit, moving its primary still earlier. South Carolina then countered, and Iowa and New Hampshire countered yet again. After an additional series of date changes, the three states reached agreement that their nominating contests had all occurred last week.
Stock markets surged and plunged and surged and plunged as economists said they were and were not worried about subprime mortgage bankruptcies and oil price increases and traders said they were and were not optimistic about corporate profits and consumer confidence. In a related development, opponents of casinos in Massachusetts warned that legalized gambling would lure people into risking their life savings rather than investing responsibly in financial instruments such as stocks.
New Englanders were stunned to learn that French President Nicolas Sarkozy was spending his summer vacation at Lake Winnipesaukee. "Why?" asked one puzzled vacationgoer. "He's got Nice and the Riviera just around the corner. We only come here because we can't afford to fly anywhere else."
Detractors of the Wolfeboro vacation spot noted that the water is bitter cold, the best-selling wines in the town's liquor stores have screwtops, and the closest one gets to a Michelin rating are the tires sold at Belknap Tire in Laconia. "It makes you wonder if France is all it's cracked up to be," said a summer resident.
Russian submarines staked a claim to the North Pole, planting a miniature flag in a titanium capsule underneath the polar icecap. Russian officials denied subsequent reports that Vladimir Putin had begun to gain weight and grow a long white beard.
In sports news, the X-Men, Robocop, the Incredible Hulk, and the Borg Collective issued a statement praising Barry Bonds for breaking Hank Aaron's home run record and said they had made him an honorary member of their group.
And finally, doctors in Boston said a man had awoken from a 29-year coma but didn't believe he'd ever been unconscious. "Who's in first place?" he asked and, when told it was the Red Sox, he asked by how much. He then asked how many games the team had been ahead of the Yankees in the spring. Hearing it was by 14½, he said, "I haven't been in a coma at all -- it's still 1978!"
Published on August 12, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears
every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.