Tom Keane

Osama's new look

The Fortnight That Wasn't

JUST FOR MEN named Osama bin Laden the new spokesman for its line of hair-coloring products after a newly released video showed the Al Qaeda leader sporting a jet-black beard. "Just a year ago, people were saying Osama was old, tired, and ineffectual," said a company official. "With the gray gone, he now looks youthful, energetic, and ready to take on the Western world once again." The company said that bin Laden's lengthy career as a terrorist had no bearing on its decision. "I'm sure we all can find things about which we disagree," said the official, "But there's no disagreement when it comes to looking your best."

Meanwhile, at White House ceremonies marking the sixth anniversary of Sept. 11, President Bush proposed observing the anniversary of the attacks every three months. Bush noted that the remembrances helped Americans focus on the worldwide threat they face from global terrorism, and said more frequent commemorations would prevent the country from being distracted by irrelevant issues such as the ongoing civil war in Iraq or increasing domestic surveillance. The president added that the quarterly annual remembrances would continue indefinitely or at least until January 2009.

Congress battled over which pun best described General David Petraeus. "He's really General Hooray Us, because he represents the best about America," argued one Republican. "Or maybe General Allay Us because his wisdom should bring us together." Democrats sharply disagreed, offering up General Delay Us, General Dismay Us, or even General Passé Us. The legislators did agree that once they had settled upon the appropriate pun, they would proceed immediately to reading the general's report about the current situation in Iraq.

The owners of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun casinos urged Massachusetts legislators to reject Governor Deval Patrick's bid to build three casinos in the Bay State. "Casinos have caused enormous problems here in Connecticut," the owners said. "Hordes of gamblers show up at all hours, spend enormous amounts of money, and leave state coffers so bulging that the government doesn't know how to spend it." The owners identified numerous other negatives from gambling, including senor citizens gaining weight from the vast free buffets, constant tourist traffic overcrowding local retail stores, and catchy television advertising jingles annoying viewers because they can't get them out of their heads.

Residents of Weston, Sudbury, Duxbury, and Dover said, however, that they were thrilled to learn that the revenues from the proposed casino gambling would be earmarked to reduce their property taxes. "For too long, the liberals in Massachusetts have taken from the rich to give to the poor," said one resident. "Finally we have a governor who's going to help us turn the tables."

After he and his team were penalized $750,000 for cheating, Patriots coach Bill Belichick apologized for getting caught and promised he wouldn't be caught again. Owner Robert Kraft said he too was upset by the scandal. "We know this is something that deeply hurts our loyal fans," he said. "After all, they're the ones who next year will have to pay more for their tickets so we can cover the costs of the fine."

Meanwhile, the cheating scandal seemed to widen after rumors circulated that undercover Yankees players had secretly infiltrated the Boston Red Sox. Both teams formally denied the reports, but after meeting with Commissioner Bud Selig, the Yankees promised to reimburse the Red Sox for half of outfielder J.D. Drew's salary and agreed not to count any runs scored in innings where Eric Gagne pitched.

In other baseball news, controversy ensued when television cameras caught Red Sox manager Terry Francona spitting onto the ground while sitting in the dugout. In a post-game news conference devoted to the incident, Francona called it a onetime event and apologized. "I am personally embarrassed by my behavior that night and ask everyone out there - especially the kids who so much look up to our players and staff - to understand it was a thoughtless, isolated matter for which I ask your forgiveness," a tearful Francona said.

And finally, OJ Simpson denied he was guilty of armed theft and kidnapping in Las Vegas. Simpson vowed that, once freed, he would devote the rest of his life to hunting down the real robbers.

Published on September 24, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.

Remembering Katrina

The Fortnight That Wasn't

IN THE WAKE of revelations that Idaho Senator Larry Craig had been arrested in a public restroom, political analysts predicted the public furor might force Congress to ban the use of the facilities by elected officials. "Sure, these bathrooms - free and close by - have their allure. But just as with taking a complimentary meal from a lobbyist, use of one inevitably creates the appearance of impropriety," said one commentator.

In a related development, all eight of the GOP candidates at a presidential debate held Wednesday in New Hampshire took "The Pledge," vowing never to relieve themselves in public restrooms and challenging Democrats to hold themselves to the same high standard.

In other national news, Americans celebrated the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina with anguished breast-beating, finger-pointing, and loud laments about the nation's failure to restore New Orleans. "It was a terrific chance to spend the day wallowing in guilt," said one participant. "I'm hoping we'll have the opportunity to do this every year from now on."

In Washington, Alberto Gonzales submitted his resignation effective Sept. 17. During his six-year tenure, the White House counsel and US attorney general was instrumental in politicizing justice, expanding the use of torture, and increasing domestic spying. "Chaos, panic, fear," Gonzales told his staff. "My work here is done."

In a touching display of camaraderie, businesspeople joined with labor to celebrate Labor Day. "Many of us once feared unions and what they represented," said one CEO in an address to a Teamsters local. "But with your membership down from one-third of all workers to just 12.5 percent, we've learned there's nothing to be afraid of. All I can say to you union leaders is, keep on doing what you've been doing. We're behind you all the way."

Boeing unveiled the first aircraft to be powered by solar energy. "Our customers have been demanding a way to get to their destinations rapidly while not contributing to global warming," said a company spokesperson. "We think we've found the solution - as long as they're willing to land before dusk and know that any passing clouds will mean their instant doom."

In local news, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick returned from a 3 1/2-week vacation at his country estate in the Berkshires and requested two additional weeks to make a decision on casino gambling, saying he hadn't finished going through all of the materials provided him on the issue. "We're sure every student out there will understand," said a spokesperson. "It's tough to get around to your summer reading when there's a swimming pool right outside your door."

Framingham State undergraduates protested the college's plans to adjust its schedule to include more classes and tests on Fridays in order to curb heavy partying on Thursday nights. Students said they were outraged at the school's effort to shrink their weekends to two days. "If all I had wanted was an education," explained one student, "I wouldn't be going here."

Stung by public anger over a $1.2 million bonus to chief executive Josiah Spaulding amid deep cuts to popular programs and allegations of ethical improprieties, Citi Performing Arts Center a hired crisis management firm to mount a public relations effort defending its actions. "We faced a choice: Either reform ourselves internally, or try to bluster our way through this mess," said a board member. "Having watched the success achieved by organizations as diverse as the pharmaceutical industry and the Christian right, we decided to try the latter."

And finally, a report in the Archives of General Psychiatry claimed the diagnosis of bipolar disease, sometimes called manic-depression, had climbed 40-fold since 1994. "We were on top of the world when we made this discovery," said the study's researchers. "But then as we thought about it we got very, very gloomy because we didn't really understand why the increase had occurred." However, after a few days of angst, the scientists said they got extremely excited when they remembered their work would soon be published in the prestigious journal.

Published on September 9, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.