The Fortnight That Wasn't
IN THE WAKE of revelations that Idaho Senator Larry Craig had been arrested in a public restroom, political analysts predicted the public furor might force Congress to ban the use of the facilities by elected officials. "Sure, these bathrooms - free and close by - have their allure. But just as with taking a complimentary meal from a lobbyist, use of one inevitably creates the appearance of impropriety," said one commentator.
In a related development, all eight of the GOP candidates at a presidential debate held Wednesday in New Hampshire took "The Pledge," vowing never to relieve themselves in public restrooms and challenging Democrats to hold themselves to the same high standard.
In other national news, Americans celebrated the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina with anguished breast-beating, finger-pointing, and loud laments about the nation's failure to restore New Orleans. "It was a terrific chance to spend the day wallowing in guilt," said one participant. "I'm hoping we'll have the opportunity to do this every year from now on."
In Washington, Alberto Gonzales submitted his resignation effective Sept. 17. During his six-year tenure, the White House counsel and US attorney general was instrumental in politicizing justice, expanding the use of torture, and increasing domestic spying. "Chaos, panic, fear," Gonzales told his staff. "My work here is done."
In a touching display of camaraderie, businesspeople joined with labor to celebrate Labor Day. "Many of us once feared unions and what they represented," said one CEO in an address to a Teamsters local. "But with your membership down from one-third of all workers to just 12.5 percent, we've learned there's nothing to be afraid of. All I can say to you union leaders is, keep on doing what you've been doing. We're behind you all the way."
Boeing unveiled the first aircraft to be powered by solar energy. "Our customers have been demanding a way to get to their destinations rapidly while not contributing to global warming," said a company spokesperson. "We think we've found the solution - as long as they're willing to land before dusk and know that any passing clouds will mean their instant doom."
In local news, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick returned from a 3 1/2-week vacation at his country estate in the Berkshires and requested two additional weeks to make a decision on casino gambling, saying he hadn't finished going through all of the materials provided him on the issue. "We're sure every student out there will understand," said a spokesperson. "It's tough to get around to your summer reading when there's a swimming pool right outside your door."
Framingham State undergraduates protested the college's plans to adjust its schedule to include more classes and tests on Fridays in order to curb heavy partying on Thursday nights. Students said they were outraged at the school's effort to shrink their weekends to two days. "If all I had wanted was an education," explained one student, "I wouldn't be going here."
Stung by public anger over a $1.2 million bonus to chief executive Josiah Spaulding amid deep cuts to popular programs and allegations of ethical improprieties, Citi Performing Arts Center a hired crisis management firm to mount a public relations effort defending its actions. "We faced a choice: Either reform ourselves internally, or try to bluster our way through this mess," said a board member. "Having watched the success achieved by organizations as diverse as the pharmaceutical industry and the Christian right, we decided to try the latter."
And finally, a report in the Archives of General Psychiatry claimed the diagnosis of bipolar disease, sometimes called manic-depression, had climbed 40-fold since 1994. "We were on top of the world when we made this discovery," said the study's researchers. "But then as we thought about it we got very, very gloomy because we didn't really understand why the increase had occurred." However, after a few days of angst, the scientists said they got extremely excited when they remembered their work would soon be published in the prestigious journal.
Published on September 9, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.