The fortnight that wasn't
CATASTROPHIC WILDFIRES in Southern California threatened the homes of dozens of celebrities, forcing many to evacuate their mansions and take refuge in Holiday Inns and other chain hotels. Actors told tales of eating mediocre hotel food, sharing hot tubs with families and children, and being forced to endure rooms decorated with Thomas Kinkade prints. "When something like this happens, it really brings people together," said one Hollywood star. "You begin to realize that we're almost the same as everyone else."
Meanwhile, having learned its lessons from Hurricane Katrina, the Federal Emergency Management Agency moved rapidly to provide assistance to those affected by the fires, delivering 10,000 inflatable boats and more than a million sandbags to the drought-stricken desert area.
For its part, the Modern Language Association said it was linguistically pleased with the rapid proliferation of the fires. "We have a crisis in clichés in America," said a spokesperson. "For example, 'to eat like a bird' doesn't make sense because birds eat up to one-half of their body weight daily. 'The sky's the limit" isn't true since we've been to the moon. But as it turns out, wildfires, well, they really do spread like wildfire."
In world news, the United Nations voted unanimously to take immediate action on global warming after news reports that autumn leaves in Vermont was significantly less colorful than in previous years. "Things like extreme weather, the melting of the polar ice caps, and a rise in worldwide temperatures seem pretty much removed from our everyday lives," said a UN spokesperson. "But a crisis in foliage touches us all."
In Washington, an FDA advisory panel recommended banning cough and cold medications to children under 6 since the medications are almost completely ineffective. However, the panel said that, while the drugs are worthless, research appeared to support claims that parental kisses of boo-boos to make them "all better" still work wonders.
On the campaign trail, Republicans assailed Hillary Clinton for saying that, while she had many ideas, the nation couldn't afford to pay for them all. The GOP candidates promised that, unlike Clinton, they would make the nation pay for every idea they had. However, they added, since they anticipated they would have very few ideas, the country nevertheless would be able to afford them all.
As polls continued to show Clinton with a strong lead, rival Democratic candidates started to attack her personally, accusing her of "double talk" and challenging her ethics, honesty, and sincerity.
The men pledged their harsh critiques would continue unabated until Clinton won the nomination, at which point they would take it all back and say that she clearly was a paragon of virtue and the best person possible to lead the nation for the next four years.
In local news, Boston held a massive political rally Tuesday, a week in advance of elections for City Council. A parade of candidates made their way from Kenmore Square to City Hall, carried atop duck boats and passing through hundreds of thousands of cheering spectators.
"This is the most exciting thing I've ever seen," said one onlooker as she reached across a barricade trying to touch the candidates' outstretched hands. Secretary of State William Galvin said he estimated voter turnout would be at record levels because of the extraordinary importance the upcoming election had for the future of the city.
Motorists from the South Shore said they were amazed by almost nonexistent traffic during rush hours after Wednesday's opening of the Greenbush commuter rail line. "It's like I'm on an empty country road," marveled one commuter driving south on Interstate 93 at 5:00 pm. "I now feel so embarrassed to have ever doubted the wisdom of spending a half-billion dollars just so a few hundred people a day could ride the train into the city from their beachfront homes in Cohasset and Hingham."
And finally, after the New England Patriots beat the Washington Redskins by a lopsided score of 52-7, the National Football League asked coach Bill Belichick to resume illegally filming opposing teams' defensive calls. "Our hope is that once the Patriots begin cheating again, perhaps they'll lose a game," said a league official, "or at least cut down on their victory margins."
Published on November 4, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.