The Fortnight That Wasn't
TIME MAGAZINE named Vladimir Putin its "Person of the Year." Time Inc. officials said they were surprised at the choice, since the Russian president hadn't been nominated for the honor and no company staffers would admit to having voted for the man. "But an election is an election," said a Time Inc. spokesperson. "The guys we hired from Little Odessa to count the vote said there was no doubt - Putin got 98 percent."
With the Iowa caucuses just four days away and the New Hampshire primary a week from Tuesday, Americans braced for the possibility that the nominating contests of both major political parties could be over by the second week of January. "For months, we've been inundated with baseless allegations about Edwards's affairs, Obama's drug taking, Mitt's religion, Hillary's sexuality, and Rudy's mistresses. It's been great entertainment," said one New Hampshire voter. "Now, sadly, all of it may be going away." Voters said the only bright spot was that at least the Spears family was back in the news.
Skepticism greeted Mitt Romney's claim that he had seen his father, George Romney, march with Martin Luther King Jr., and in a clarification Romney said it was possible he was actually remembering an incident when the late Michigan governor took the family maid through the house pointing out various rooms that needed dusting. "The point is," a Romney spokesperson said, "Mitt did see his father with an African-American and they were walking together."
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton continued to emphasize her experience, pointing out that while at the White House she had been deeply involved in decisions relating to furnishings and interior decorations. "I left everything just as I wanted it," the former First Lady said. "As president, you won't see me distracted trying to redesign rooms or worrying about what colors to paint the walls. I'll be ready to go to work."
And in a touching display of bipartisanship, the presidential candidates united to condemn the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and offered their help. John Edwards volunteered to lead malpractice suits against Bhutto's doctors, Barack Obama promised an inspirational message, Rudy Giuliani vowed to travel to the scene of her murder and glower at people, and Fred Thompson said he would spend the evening learning where Pakistan is on a map.
After a disappointing Christmas shopping season, the nation's retailers cheered recent scholarship that suggested Jesus was actually born in March, and urged Americans to celebrate a newly created "Springtime Christmas." "In deference to those who would like to maintain the traditional date of Dec. 25, we think we should all celebrate two Christmases a year," said a spokesperson for the retailers, adding that research is underway to determine if Jesus might have been born in the summer and fall as well.
Here in Massachusetts, Governor Deval Patrick signaled he was willing to consider cutting the state's corporate income tax rate in an effort to boost economic growth. Unlike similar proposals from previous Republican governors, Patrick's plan was not corporate welfare, administration officials said, because it was being proposed by a Democrat.
Massachusetts Lottery officials unveiled plans to make lottery tickets available at major retail chains such as Home Depot, CVS, and Dunkin' Donuts. Officials predicted that the new locations would dramatically increase lottery revenues, but added they also planned to boost funding for addiction counseling. "We think this strikes the right balance between encouraging people to gamble while not appearing to harm the most vulnerable," the officials said, adding that since anti-gambling programs were largely ineffective anyway, they doubted they would be cutting into their customer base.
Longtime Boston pol Albert "Dapper" O'Neill died at age 87, ending one of Boston's last links to the era of James Michael Curley. Bostonians fondly remembered "The Dap's" legendary intolerance for immigrants, feminists, and gays. "You don't find many more around here like him," said one local politician. "Instead, they're all running for the Republican nomination for president."
And finally, as 2007 wound to a close, Americans resolved for 2008 to elect a government that is decent, compassionate, principled, and respected around the world. Experts said that, like most New Year's resolutions, they expected this one to be forgotten by February.
Published on December 30, 2007. "The Fortnight That Wasn't" appears
every other week on the op-ed page of The Boston Sunday Globe.